We've Come so Far

It is all too easy to take for granted the advances made in the medical sciences over the years. Latigo Flint is as guilty of this as the next person, but when Latigo Flint found the following pamphlet - published in 1987 - things were really put into perspective. I think you'll agree. (Kid Relish broke my scanner a while ago, but here's the pamphlet, word for word.)

So Your Child Has Contracted Rabies - A Quick Reference Guide

Copyright 1987 - Office of the Surgeon General

#1. How did this occur.
Avoidance should be your first priority. You certainly don't want to catch it yourself. If your child has recently taken a woodland creature such as a raccoon, marmot, fruit bat or a great crested grass weasel as a pet, then this could be your first clue to contraction.

#2. Isolate yourself from the possible source of contraction.
For instance if your child has been keeping a wild raccoon in a bucket underneath his or her bed, immediately shut and barricade the bedroom door.

#3. Was your child in the room when you barricaded it?
This is information you need to know - it affects subsequent steps. Write yourself a reminder note either way.

#4. (If Yes to #3) So your child is safely barricaded in the bedroom.
You are doing very well thus far. Pour yourself a stiff drink to steady your nerves, you've earned it. Move on to #6

#5. (If No to #3) Well done on isolating yourself from the source of contraction.
However your child now represents a very real threat to your well-being. Find a second, secure room and barricade your child in it. Important: Under no circumstances should you allow your child to bite you. When completed see #4.

#6. Your child is as good as dead.
The sooner you accept it the better. Spend the next week guarding the barricaded door. Play musical records or cassette tapes of your choosing to obscure any unpleasant sounds. In one week contact your local mortuary.

Note:
Your spouse may solicit the false opinion that rabies is completely curable from a fraudulent, alternative medicine-practicing quack - probably a Gypsy. This raving dementia all but proves that your spouse has already contracted the rabies from your child. Repeat steps 5, 4 then 6 - mentally replacing the word "child" with "spouse". Important: Select a third room. By now your child and the raccoon have no doubt set nefarious traps for you in their respective rooms.

Office of the Surgeon General - 1987

And that was it, except for a number of very crude diagrams. Several different families were depicted, covering four of the five major ethnic groups. Apparently Latinos can't contract rabies - or there weren't any Latinos in 1987 - or the Surgeon General just really didn't give a shit if Latinos contracted rabies. (Absolutely deplorable if it's the latter.)