Monday, March 28, 2005

Dwight & Lyle Headline a Mix Tape

Okay, so now Latigo Flint knows that if you're going to make a compilation CD for the new, cute Starbucks cashier, the first two songs probably shouldn't be country western songs in which the protagonist kills his unfaithful lover.

Yes, that may have been a serious miscalculation on Latigo Flint's part. See it's just that Dwight Yoakam's Buenos Noches from a Lonely Room (She Wore Red Dresses), is such a lovely, melancholy ballad about love gone sour, that it really felt right to follow it with Lyle Lovett's LA County. The songs got cheerier later on, I swear.

You must believe me, the 'first impression mix tape symbolism' I was going for was: Hey, pretty girl, love can really make a man sick in the head so you should probably be my girlfriend right quick because I'm Latigo Flint, quickest quickdraw ever, and if you have a deranged ex-boyfriend or two trailing you with murder in their hearts, I can shoot them for you.

(I even wrote that on the liner notes.)

She didn't quite see it that way though. She kinda went the, this is a crazy stalker, I need a restraining order plus mace on a keychain, route.

It also probably didn't help that the new employee training materials at that particular Starbucks include four cautionary chapters about Latigo Flint.

I guess, long as I'm learning from my mistakes here, I guess I could have picked a more populated, better-lit place to give her the CD.

I suppose at the time I might also have been a tad delirious and periodically swatting at those spiders that sometimes like to jump off clouds onto people. Less of that sort of behavior is probably always for the best.

And, I'm willing to admit, now that I've had some time to reflect/sober-up, that there may not have actually been a compilation CD at all - I may have been crouched in the trunk of her car playing the aforementioned songs with a rattle and a kazoo.

(But besides, didn’t I see that once in a John Cusack movie and it worked out all right for him in the end?)


At 5:45 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I think Cusack had a harmonica.

At 6:50 AM, Blogger Other Brother said...

How could a woman resist Dwight Yoakum and Lyle Lovett songs? Are you certain she is not a lesbian?

At 6:51 AM, Blogger Other Brother said...

How could a woman resist Dwight Yoakum and Lyle Lovett songs? Are you certain she is not a lesbian?

At 2:58 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

I think you should just shoot her in the leg. It's time to start playing hard to get. You're making it too easy for her.

At 3:01 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 3:03 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

And then shoot in the head. Right between the eyes.

At 6:50 PM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

Trouble again at Starbucks? Ooooh. The sentiment “I’ll keep your ex at bay” was nice anyhow. I don’t think there’s a girl alive who hasn’t wished for a “bodyguard with benefits” of some caliber at one time or another. Perhaps it’s just a matter of approaching her at the right stage of a rebound?

At 7:53 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

Next time try Lyle's "Her First Mistake". It has a happier ending, plus you'll have that whole veiled threat thing going for you.

At 8:31 PM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

Not even the sweet strains of a kazoo can win her heart over! She's one icy broad.

At 9:58 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I apologize for this morbid thought. But if you ever lose a gun draw and die a slow, dramatic western gunslinger death, Starbucks stock will soar 5 points the next day.

At 7:27 AM, Blogger slarrow said...

Ah, next time you must begin your mix tape with the ever-classic "Pancho and Lefty." The romantic picture at the beginning of the song will entrance her, and the ache for an era gone by will bind her to you in such empathy that you will soon turn to some Kid Rock remix to drive her away. Surely the real-life presence of a man who wears his skin like iron and has breath hard as kerosene will cause the next Starbuck's clerk to swoon and ignore the flabby pimply-faced Gold's Gym rats.

(And of course those Federales would have stood no chance against Latigo Flint.)

At 7:47 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

LA County is one of the finest songs.

At 7:51 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Mr. Flint: I think instead of compilation CD you get farther with copulation CD.

At 1:10 PM, Blogger Jedi Knight Sh'Ping said...

I have read some of your ongoing journal good sir and I equate you to being close to a true Jedi at heart and therefore I support you in all you endevors yet I should remind you that Jedis should not form attachments as they only get in the way.

At 8:44 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

Hey Latty, aren't you a little old to still be a virgin?

At 9:41 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Crap, you may be right Steve. It was either that or a jaw harp. No wonder I failed that night.

Hey, now that you mention it O. Brother, that is mighty suspicious.

DMor, didn't you also recommend I shoot the male amusement park employee in the leg? So when is it playing hard to get, and when is it assault with a deadly weapon?

See, now this is very valuable feedback Noir Muse, thank you. I'm noting that down with my calligraphy pen... timing = everything when telling girl will shoot ex-boyfriends.

Thanks Cindy-Lou. I've noticed some girls respond well to veiled threats and others need it spelled out.

I know Grublygold, seriously huh? Plus the rattle was even turtle shell!

You don't ever have to apologize for your insightful insight LBB, you're probably right. (Unless of course the duel is in a S.B. roasting facility and I vomit and bleed all over the beans.)

Well spoken Slarrow!!! (And damn straight, it would have been out of cowardice, not kindness that they let me stride away.)

With an old friend at your side Ho, an old friend at your side.

Well yes Old Hoss, naturally I was hoping one would lead to the other.

Thank you very much Sh'ping. I believe I have heard of this tribe of which you speak - very brave, very strong. They were a planes people, a horse culture, lived just north of the Comanche Nation yes? (Or wait, perhaps I'm thinking of the Pawnee, or was it the Cree?) Let's see, Cherokee, Shoshone, Pahute, Pawnee, Cree... Damn it, what was the question again?

Everybody knows you're a filthy liar Kid!

At 7:48 PM, Blogger Ari said...

This has little to do with your mishap there, but if you don't know the song "Old Blevins" by the Austin Lounge Lizards, you might enjoy it.

At 7:51 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Oops, forgot... You can here it here:

At 5:46 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Linked ya, btw.

At 10:38 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Hey Ari, you saying I'm a old blathering idiot?! (Actually I'm probably two of the three.)

Anyway, I liked it. Kind of Bare Naked Ladies meets Kenny Rogers.

(And thank you btw. I think people who link me are just about the sweetest people ever!)


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