Friday, March 18, 2005

Dern You Animal Planet on Discovery

Okay, so it turns out that's ants, not hummingbirds, that are able to lift objects 50 times their own weight. Latigo Flint just discovered you really have to pay attention when you watch them there nature shows. Especially if one of your neighbors is a cute, single mother, and you've decided to be right neighborly and teach her little boy some nifty wildlife facts.

The minutes ticked by as we stared at the brick resting on the lawn, and the young feller started to get concerned. (Truth be told, I got a real uneasy feeling the instant I set that brick down.) I tried to sound confident though.
"Don't you worry pard'ner, that little guy is just sittin' and pondering about the angles and the velocity and whatnot. He's gathering up his strength, and in a sec. he's gonna heft it, you'll see."


The boy looked at me, lower lip beginning to tremble. "Latigo, m-maybe he needs some help?" I cleared my throat gruffly. "Now look little buckaroo, don't you ever condescend the animal kingdom, they hate that." I gazed out at the horizon, "There's all kinds of pride little buckaroo, but the animals, the critters - well they feel the purest kind of pride of all in themselves. See 'cause-" But the disrespectful little bastard wasn't listening anymore, he lifted up the brick and promptly started to scream. "Shhhh little buckaroo, shhhhhhhh!" But he had found a nice scream rhythm and didn't feel like stopping.

The cute single mother ran out of her apartment. "What the HELL do you think you're doing?!" I turned awkwardly, hopping on one foot. Tucked under one arm was her thrashing child, teary-eyed and trying to scream right through my hand. In the other I held the brick and was desperately scraping it against lifted boot, trying to get the smashed hummingbird off.

She strode towards me, enraged. (With some damn good squinty-eyes for a novice I might add.) I searched for an explanation. "Well, you see... there's all kinds of pride ma'am, but the animals, the critters - well they feel the purest kind of-" And that's when she kneed me in the genitals.

"Just tryin' to be neighborly ma'am." I groaned, letting the boy go. He ripped the brick out of my hand and started to ruin my shinbone with it. "Figured I'd learn the boy some nifty wildlife facts and such." Junior wasn't achieving the brick's full destructive potential, so she grabbed it from him and heaved it into my nose. "Okay, I'm going back to my home now." I stumbled away and they started spitting on my back in tandem. "If you ever need someone to chat with, or have a cup of coffee with, or reach up and get down cereal boxes for you from the high shelf, you know where to find me."

I paused at the foot of the steps and glanced back gloomily. "Hey little pard'ner. You might want to double-check what I told you about otters and kerosene. His mother's arm raised in a furious, claw-like gesture."I'm calling the authorities on you now!"

11 Comments:

At 1:52 PM, Blogger Mister Jinxy said...

Genius.

 
At 6:23 AM, Blogger Rasmus said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 6:24 AM, Blogger Rasmus said...

Don't worry Latigo, this has happened to us all.

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

You should try to see if seagulls can lift bricks. Or if they can eat Alka-Seltzer.

 
At 5:58 PM, Blogger Matteus Von Mustard said...

You really do set things up in a humourous way. Coming in out of the blue with a line that only makes sense later and such-like.

 
At 12:47 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Pray tell me you don't plan to teach the boy about the birds and the bees.

 
At 5:27 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

That reminds me of the day I put my brother's iguana in the freezer.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

I smell a lawsuit and a reality-TV spinoff! Let's do lunch at Sarnie's!

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

I'd go for the married chicks, they have more cash, plus you could actually shoot someone...if you had to.

 
At 10:34 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

You are so getting laid.

 
At 1:01 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

No friend Jinxy, it was stupid. They clearly said "Ants" on that there nature show... I don't know where my mind was that day.

Thank you kind Rasmus - it's still embarrassing though, you know?

PETA already has four separate contracts out on my life Ghost Dog... eh, I guess 5's a nice round number.

Praise from the esteemed Von Mustard is quite a triumph. I believe I'm inspired now to compose a post in which the opening line doesn't make sense for one thousand years. "Holy shit!" they'll say in 3005. Whap, goes amazed palm to forehead.

LBB, Child Protection Services already has four separate contracts out on my life...

You just made me giggle Steve, no fair. (Why do I get the feeling you're dead serious?)

It's a power lunch date DMor. Which one of us brings the coke?

Adultery is against the gunslinger code Ho... except under certain circumstances. Provision 183-B states if a man passes wind across your open beer you're allowed to copulate with his wife. There are several others. I'm going to consult my papers now.

I'm not going to lie Cindy-Lou, these words are very exciting to Latigo Flint. Latigo Flint needs to remember now where his finest courtin' serape and shiny bolo-tie are.

 

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