Dern You Animal Planet on Discovery

Okay, so it turns out that's ants, not hummingbirds, that are able to lift objects 50 times their own weight. Latigo Flint just discovered you really have to pay attention when you watch them there nature shows. Especially if one of your neighbors is a cute, single mother, and you've decided to be right neighborly and teach her little boy some nifty wildlife facts.

The minutes ticked by as we stared at the brick resting on the lawn, and the young feller started to get concerned. (Truth be told, I got a real uneasy feeling the instant I set that brick down.) I tried to sound confident though.
"Don't you worry pard'ner, that little guy is just sittin' and pondering about the angles and the velocity and whatnot. He's gathering up his strength, and in a sec. he's gonna heft it, you'll see."

The boy looked at me, lower lip beginning to tremble. "Latigo, m-maybe he needs some help?" I cleared my throat gruffly. "Now look little buckaroo, don't you ever condescend the animal kingdom, they hate that." I gazed out at the horizon, "There's all kinds of pride little buckaroo, but the animals, the critters - well they feel the purest kind of pride of all in themselves. See 'cause-" But the disrespectful little bastard wasn't listening anymore, he lifted up the brick and promptly started to scream. "Shhhh little buckaroo, shhhhhhhh!" But he had found a nice scream rhythm and didn't feel like stopping.

The cute single mother ran out of her apartment. "What the HELL do you think you're doing?!" I turned awkwardly, hopping on one foot. Tucked under one arm was her thrashing child, teary-eyed and trying to scream right through my hand. In the other I held the brick and was desperately scraping it against lifted boot, trying to get the smashed hummingbird off.

She strode towards me, enraged. (With some damn good squinty-eyes for a novice I might add.) I searched for an explanation. "Well, you see... there's all kinds of pride ma'am, but the animals, the critters - well they feel the purest kind of-" And that's when she kneed me in the genitals.

"Just tryin' to be neighborly ma'am." I groaned, letting the boy go. He ripped the brick out of my hand and started to ruin my shinbone with it. "Figured I'd learn the boy some nifty wildlife facts and such." Junior wasn't achieving the brick's full destructive potential, so she grabbed it from him and heaved it into my nose. "Okay, I'm going back to my home now." I stumbled away and they started spitting on my back in tandem. "If you ever need someone to chat with, or have a cup of coffee with, or reach up and get down cereal boxes for you from the high shelf, you know where to find me."

I paused at the foot of the steps and glanced back gloomily. "Hey little pard'ner. You might want to double-check what I told you about otters and kerosene. His mother's arm raised in a furious, claw-like gesture."I'm calling the authorities on you now!"