Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Fire Season

Latigo Flint knows what will inevitably follow a near-record breaking rainy season in Southern California -- A near-record breaking wildfire season in Southern California!

This has reminded Latigo Flint of another excellent way to be a hero: Saving Helena Bonham Carter from a wildfire is another excellent way to be a hero.

First, Helena Bonham Carter will need to be alone in a home in the hills that's surrounded by plenty of dry brush. Next a raging wildfire needs to sweep down the narrow canyon. You have to be passing by at the time and your keen, intelligent eyes must detect a car parked in such a way that it's likely to be the only vehicle at the residence.

At this point you should mutter, "Hmm, I'd better go investigate." softly to yourself.

Move swiftly up to the house, keeping a wary eye on the rapidly approaching flames. Once inside you need to notice that something heavy has fallen on Helena Bonham Carter, pinning her and preventing escape. If this is not the case, and you discover she's completely mobile and is at that very moment heading calmly out the door, you must accept that you are no longer a hero. Offer to help carry her suitcase. (It is not appropriate to ask for an autograph at this time, remember a raging wildfire is on its way.)

IMPORTANT: You are NOT allowed to topple something heavy onto Helena Bonham Carter in order to continue with a rescue. This makes you a psychopath, not a hero.

If your original suspicions are correct and Helena Bonham Carter is indeed pinned under something heavy, you must stride rapidly to it and heave it off of her. Next, heroically sweep Helena Bonham Carter into your arms and run from the house, shielding her pale face from the scorching heat. (Don't worry she doesn't weigh much. If you are a scrawny weakling and are having difficulty running with Helena Bonham Carter in your arms, remember, the heroic scrawny weakling's best friend is the trusty piggyback - but don't ever call it a piggyback in the context of heroic rescues, call it the Fireman's Carry.)

It's a bonus if at this point, Helena Bonham Carter's vehicle is completely engulfed in flames - or the fire is so near that your heroic snap decision is that it's too risky to try for it. Carry Helena Bonham Carter down the long, tree-lined driveway to safety. Hopefully a burning branch will fall on your exposed shoulder, searing it rather badly and making you a Wounded Hero, which is very high level of heroism. In fact, it's second only to Dead Hero.

Always appear modest and humble while accepting heartfelt thanks from Tim Burton and the entire Hollywood community. But be sure to turn down all grateful offers of small roles in major motion pictures. Hollywood hates outsiders, even heroic outsiders who just saved Helena Bonham Carter from a wildfire. These are nothing more than insincere, spur-of-the-moment, patronizing, publicity stunts, and by the time the movie actually starts shooting, you would be universally loathed by cast and crew.

(And for christsake, don't touch Helena Bonham Carter in any inappropriate places as you carry her down the driveway. That would irrevocably tarnish your hero-ness.)


At 9:34 PM, Blogger amandapants said...

I might be a little wasted, but I think that is the sanest thing you have ever written.

Tim Burton would crap his pants with joy if he met a character like you. But you would definitely end up ostracized at the end in order to tell a moving moral tale, so watch out.

At 6:38 AM, Blogger Jack Mercer said...

Flint: Please take a moment to go to the News Snipet to take immediate action on an issue that threatens America's children. Your activism is appreciated!


At 10:10 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Mr. Flint: And if there is no wildfire, you can start one, say, around Jo-Lo's house. I wanna see you try to carry that butt down the driveway.

At 10:33 AM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

Of course, this all depends on which HBC is trapped in a burning car.

If it's Howard's End HBC, you go ahead with the rescue and get to have the kind of intense post-rescue sex that we can only imagine that Jack Traven and Annie Porter had in the subway car after the credits rolled in Speed. Then you get to spend the next six months perfecting the block-the-camera-with-your-hand technique that all celebs have to ward off the evil vampire papparazzi.

If it's the Fight Club HBC, shoot her in the leg and walk away fast. She be skanky.

At 11:52 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

what if that heavy thing on whatshername is me? what then? and who is this girl? is it that guy from zep's wife? the guy who choked on his vomit? the ... drummer.

At 12:26 PM, Blogger Mister Jinxy said...

When does she lift her head off your brawny, sweaty, singed shoulder, look tenderly into your eyes and say, "I want to have your abortion"?

At 12:33 PM, Blogger Mister Jinxy said...

And who the Hell is Jack Mercer?

At 11:07 PM, Anonymous trilobite said...

Quoth Latigo Flint "And for christsake, don't touch Helena Bonham Carter in any inappropriate places as you carry her down the driveway. That would irrevocably tarnish your hero-ness.)"

Ah, Latigo, mi compadre. I see you have learned the same lesson as I from experience. It is sad that the world so quickly tarnishes our hero-ness and on such quibbly grounds. I want a world in which I can grope starlets and yet remain a hero. Apparently, though, it is a choice between that and being eligible to run for President from the Great State of California.

At 10:29 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Dern it Amandapants, what about when I let it be known I would support whichever presidential candidate opposed the beating of children with baseball bats wrapped in barbed wire? Tell me that didn't make a lot of sense! (But of course, thank you also.)

Thank you Jack, but I tend to pick my battles carefully. When I speak, Rep. Adam Schiff listens, but I try not to holler all the time. While I'm certain there are always exceptions, and your friend is likely one of them - it seems at its core, the decision to be a foster parent should always be made completely independent of tax benefits. (Now replacing the IRS altogether with some form of national sales tax...)

Well Old Hoss, then you'd better make sure you're tuned to this Saturday's installment of Entertainment Tonight.

DMor: Sir, regardless of version, she has a fiancé, and therefore what you propose is decidedly unheroic!

That's what I like about you Ho: You don't even need to know 'em to jump 'em!

Hmmmm, I guess if I squint a bit I can see Clint Eastwood saying that Jinxy. So very well, that's in!

Tri, your words ring pure and true like the distant ringing of a pure, true thing that rings.


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