Thursday, May 19, 2005

Cowbells in the Fog

Friends, Latigo Flint does not recall scaling the shelving units in the music section of his local Best Buy, and spending two wobbly hours screaming at bewildered customers and staff about the glorious sound of distant cowbells in the fog, but multi-angle security camera footage doesn't lie.

Wednesday morning began like any other - I arose at dawn, watched Open Range, read a Louis L'Amour novel, drank approximately 37 Coors Long Necks and by 11:30am was prostrate in my closet, reenacting famous gunfight showdowns with a coat hanger and a trowel... Then the next thing I know, it's 8:00 in the evening and I'm sitting handcuffed at the in-store security desk of my local Best Buy, watching 16 different angles of myself leaping nude from shelf to shelf screaming about cowbells.

It was difficult to pay attention to the grumpy, uniformed men firing questions at me. Video of your own buttocks in action can actually be rather distracting. (Especially if they're as tawny and rippley as mine are.)

Some memory fragments started to come back. I had wanted to purchase a CD - something that would move me. I seem to recall becoming furious upon discovering there weren't any albums that featured the sounds of cattle roundups - specifically the glorious sound of distant cowbells clanking in the fog.

Youth culture dominates popular music, and most cowpunchers were young. Detecting the sounds of a lost herd somewhere nearby in the swirling mist would have been a tremendous feeling. In his exaltation the young wrangler would have felt like dancing with a passion and fervor to rival any seen upon today's stage and floor.

I believe that's more or less what was going through my mind just prior to me repeatedly screaming: "The free range beauties make the sound, Clank de-dank dank-dank!!!"

I don't quite remember why I needed to be naked to prove my point. Tearing down the long florescent bulbs from the ceiling and using them to violate the life-sized cutout of Rob Thomas probably wasn't necessary either.

But you know, now that I've had the opportunity to view this so-called security camera footage I'm beginning to doubt its authenticity. I don't care how distraught and disgusted with their taste I might become - I'm quite certain I would never be so vicious as to force-feed the contents of the "Hot New Releases" rack to a terrified group of young music shoppers.

The footage ends with me attempting a running leap from the top of a twelve-foot shelf in the general direction of the electronics department. At least this part I know to be accurate, I have the laceration on my inner thigh from landing on a digital camera's open viewfinder and a reverse "Philips" stamped on my forehead from when the display model plasma TV fell on my face.

14 Comments:

At 5:48 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Motley Crue's first album has a few cowbells on it.

If you want something a bit more pure, more pastoral, more cud-chewing on-the-spot authentic, try a Christian bookstore. I'm sure they would have it.

 
At 6:32 AM, Blogger Other Brother said...

A CD of cowbells in the fog might do the trick for a little while, but I think you just need to get the hell out of California and join a cattle drive. Like in that goofy Billy Crystal movie.

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Damn Best Buy. Never what you need in stock. Latigo Flint is not alone in his frustration.

 
At 9:53 AM, Anonymous roundelay said...

Clearly you had a fever, and the only prescription was....more cowbell!

(Sorry for the obvious joke, but I couldn't resist.) :-)

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger Ithiel said...

I would have to say that I believe violating the cardboard cutout of Rob Thomas with a large florescent bulb was entirely required to make your point. Consider it a metaphor for what the recording industry is doing to the hard working, cow bell playing, cattle roundup bands of our time.

 
At 12:20 PM, Blogger Myster said...

Perhaps a better choice would have been to purchase some classic Santana, a copy of "Graceland" and a Mahalia Jackson recording and play them all backwards at the same time.

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger katiedid said...

Violating the Rob Thomas cutout is quite justified. Who wouldn't want some petty revenge for his annoying and pretentious Target commercial, featuring the many faces of Rob Thomas as styled by an Olan Mills studio.

 
At 7:49 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

Can I have the Rob Thomas cardboard cutout?

 
At 11:48 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Not for nothing, but Latigo Flint might have a problem with alcohol.

His taste in music, however, is impeccable.

 
At 9:30 AM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

"Video of your own buttocks in action" Oh, my sides still ache. Quite distracting, I'm sure.

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I think I first saw that scene in "Heidi."

 
At 3:02 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Steve, Christian bookstores aren't allowed to operate within a hundred & fifty-mile radius of Los Angeles.

Hey!!! That was a documentary Other Brother - and a mighty fine one at that. Daniel Stern moves me. I am haunted by waters... and Daniel Stern.

It's a travesty Dave, that's what it is. There is a great capacity for cruelty in this wretched town.

My favorite jokes are the obvious ones Roundelay. I can't stand the confusing, obscure ones that all the hipster partygoers around me are laughing at. I sometimes open fire in such cases.

Ithiel, you are very wise. I later remembered that's exactly the point I was trying to prove.

Hello Myster. That does sound like one good way to lose these walking blues that I've managed to acquire.

Well yes Katiedid. Who indeed wouldn't want that? Not me, that's for dern sure. Wait, I forget the question. (Hmmm, come to think of it, you'd expect a Squinty-eyed gunslinger such as myself to shop exclusively at Target, wouldn't you?)

Um, sure, I guess Cindy-Lou. But you should know it's unrecognizable as Rob Thomas at this point. (It actually now looks more like Clint Howard.)

What problem with alcohol? Sorry LBB, you're breaking up! What did you say?! kkkrsssttt! Dern, i- I' oing through krrrkcst tunnel here, kkkrssttt - I'l krrrck call krrssss 'ck krrrrssstk 'ater...

Hello Muse. Thank you. You know, I always try to be humble, but no lie - angels literally sing when I'm viewed from behind running nude.

All the while praying they'd realize their mistake and switch back to the Raiders and Jets, eh Old Hoss?

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Ok, now you have to remake the song "Ghost Riders In The Sky" but using the words "Lo, Cowbells in the Fog" as the refrain.

It should be easy. Same number of syllables, I counted. You'd have to rewrite the lyrics though.

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger Ari said...

And, in harrowingly ironic fashion, Rob Thomas croons out from my Launchcast player as I type these very words.

And he doesn't know how to get it back to good after being violated apparently.

 

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