Thursday, May 26, 2005

Looking Within and Nary a Tremble

Latigo Flint is the quickest Quickdraw the world has ever known. People blink numbly and cross themselves when they behold the awesome sight of Latigo Flint slapping thigh and shucking the iron of his authentic replica Colt Peacemaker revolvers from hand-tooled elk hide holsters.

Latigo Flint isn't afraid of a dern thing. (Horrible, hairy, poison-burbling spiders make Latigo Flint a mite uneasy but that's not the same as fear.)

The list could stretch for days, tonight I'll cap it at five. Five things Latigo Flint isn't afraid of:

1) Rabid animals.

Latigo Flint isn't afraid of rabid animals. Latigo Flint frequently kills rabid animals with his bare hands. Someone who was afraid of a rabid animal wouldn't be able to kill that rabid animal with his bare hands, he'd run away screaming.

2) Collapsing rafters in a fire.

Please! Latigo Flint isn't even a tiny bit afraid of collapsing rafters during a structural blaze. They never hit you, they're always near misses, and you get to look super tough and cool as you dodge them. Be sure to rub some soot on your face before making your triumphant escape. A sooty face in the context of a triumphant exit from a burning building is way-sexy. Ask anyone.

3) Reoccurring and probably prophetic death-dreams.

Yes, for 92 straight nights Latigo Flint has had that same dream in which he's outdrawn and gut-shot by a teenage Irish girl with a mocking smile. But you better believe he no longer fears it. (Admittedly booze helps a lot. So does a nightlight. If your friends make fun of you, just tell them the nightlight is to help you easily find more booze at 4AM. If they don't stop giggling at that point, punch them in the throat.)

4) Unpredictable transients.

Latigo Flint isn't afraid of unpredictable transients. Sure Latigo Flint treats unpredictable transients with a certain wary respect, especially if they're hopped up on PCP and seductively licking the blade of a knife, but he never, ever fears them. Remember, if that knife was worth half a damn, that hobo would have hocked it for goof long before now - it'll most likely crumble if he tries to drive it into your spinal column, and then you simply kick him to death.

5) Dying lonely and alone.

Latigo Flint isn't afraid of dying lonely and alone. Latigo Flint knows that nothing builds more character than standing in a darkened corner at the back of a church watching a girl you love marry someone else. Latigo Flint expects to do this several dozen more times before all is said and done. If character were thread, Latigo Flint would have a quilt... a really big quilt. It could cover a corral or, like, a parking lot or maybe a badminton court or something.


At 6:45 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I think it's time that all of your fans pitched in and hired a songwriter to compose a themesong for you. You really deserve one.

Here's twenty to get started.

Fear not the spiders. They are not the enemy.

At 8:41 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

it was a spider that took out billy the kid. at the ok corral. a brown recluse. well documented in history.

At 10:15 AM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

Billy the Kid had nothing to do with the Ok corral Mr Ho. That was the Dalton gang. However, it is true that he was killed by a spider. He was bitten in the back down Mexico way as I recall.

At 10:44 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

I'm with you on the transients. My mental nemesis is a big sweaty mexican fellow named Ron. He often sits on my shoulder and whispers self-destructive suggestions into my ear.

It's just a good thing I don't speak Spanish.

I should say that, like you, I have no fear of Ron. He smells funny, but that's nothing to be afraid of.

At 11:20 AM, Blogger Richard said...

Don't listen to BRFA, Latigo. He's wrong. Dead wrong.

The spiders are most certainly your enemy, as they are the enemy of all that is good and cool.

And if they could get Billy the Kid, imagine what they could do to the rest of us.

Oh, but take BRFA's $20. That could come in handy.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Oh, yes, collapsing rafters are no threat a'tall. But sidle edgewise and never turn your back around blazing saddles.

At 6:56 PM, Blogger 1031 said...

Mmmm...teenage Irish girls with mocking smiles...wish I had that dream.

At 10:58 PM, Blogger Gil The Carnie said...

Quilt? Quilt?! Don't ya' mean horse blanket Gunslinger? I'm pretending ya'all said horse blanket.

At 4:32 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

killer bees are also the enemy.

i'm a tiny bit afraid of them.

but nary a tremble. just the sort of courageous fear that makes one stare straight ahead and keep on walking.

At 5:58 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Yeah. Definitely don’t sweat dying lonely and alone. It’s really no big deal.

The next time it happens to me, apparently, I get to join some kind of exclusive club – like the one for folks who’ve hosted Saturday Night Live five times (when it didn’t suck).

Oh, and you get a t-shirt and a mug out of it.

At 10:42 AM, Blogger Rasmus said...

Regarding #5: What if it's Kid Relish marrying the love of your life?

At 3:01 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Steve, you're far too kind to an anachronistic drunk. (I thought I made myself quite clear, I don't fear them, they simply make me uneasy.) I don't care who writes it, Dwight Yoakam needs to sing it. I adore D.Yoak with an unsettling fervor.

God no Ho. Fiddlebacks!!! The mark of the violin!!! Cross yourself and beat the sheets. Lord knows I'm doing the same.

Grublygold - "Down Mexico way" That sort of thing is why I love you, you know. (You needn't correct Ho by the by. He's something like a psychotic history professor, twisting facts just to catch the inattentive.)

Swarthy Ron screaming in my ear. This is good Dave, very good. I remember now. I don't remember what exactly I've remembered, but the string section whispers glory.

Howdy Richard. It's true, those hairy, poison-burbling demons never fight fair.

And make sure the Waco Kid is on your side, right Old Hoss?

No sir Ten31, I don't think you do. She shoots with the gun and the burning lead and the abdomen and the writhing and dying every single night for 99 straight nights. Wish not for that hell.

Pretend whatever you like my fine carnie friend. I said Quilt though, and I meant it. (Are we still on for tea and Finding Neverland on DVD at my place tomorrow night?)

I value your comments Tabitha. Courage: At the top you find Squinty-eyed Gunslingers. But Brides are a close second. I can think of very few things more terrifying than marrying a man.

I know Amandarama, what's the big deal? Everyone just likes something to whine about, that's what I think.

Well Rasmus, there's something very, very wrong with any woman willing to marry The Kid. I wouldn't sweat it for a second. (And naturally I'd still be compelled to walk up to the altar and shoot both of them where they stand.)

At 3:30 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You're a brave man, Latigo Flint. Several of those things scare me. Even when I'm cocked off my ass on Corbet Canyon White Zin.

At 2:25 AM, Blogger Ev said...

"Cross yourself and beat the sheets"

I dated a guy who did that every night. We weren't together long. But now I realize it could've just ben that he was afraid of spiders. Oops. Gotta be more open-minded next time...


Post a Comment

<< Home