Sunday, June 05, 2005

Treacherous Bacteria Cultures

Latigo Flint does not trust yogurt. Latigo Flint has never trusted yogurt. Yogurt cannot be trusted.

Once Latigo Flint asked a Barkeep for a tall glass of cold, draught beer. The Barkeep instead brought Latigo Flint a large bowl of warm yogurt. If this was the Barkeep's idea of a joke, Latigo Flint wasn't laughing. Latigo Flint slapped thigh, shucked iron and fanned six lead slugs into that bowl of yogurt. A pointy ceramic shard flew up and punctured the Barkeep's left eye.

Latigo Flint actually did not mean for this to happen but if Latigo Flint felt bad about it you sure wouldn't know to look at him. Latigo Flint spoke, his words a low, dangerous snarl:

"I asked you for a cold beer and instead you brought me a large bowl of warm yogurt. Now you're going to have to live with the consequences."

But the Barkeep wasn't really listening at that point. Two waitresses and the busboy helped the Barkeep out the door and into the busboy's waiting car. The busboy thought about asking if he would be reimbursed for gas to and from the hospital, but decided against it.

Latigo Flint reached over the counter and drew himself a cold beer from the tap. Then Latigo Flint went to the jukebox and paid for about a dozen hard, angry songs. Latigo Flint lounged against a nearby billiards table and played air drums and banged his head to every song so that no one would be able to tell how truly sorry he was for accidentally causing the loss of the Barkeep's left eye.


At 8:58 AM, Blogger Greg said...

Exactly what is yogurt? I think it's some kind of new life form that will steal our women and gonads if we're not careful. You should have eaten it, man - then the parson's daughter would have been saved from their rapaciousness!

At 9:53 AM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

He got what he deserved, dude. Warm yogurt is no laughing matter.

At 10:49 AM, Blogger Frenzy Lohan said...

Latigo Flint, how did you know what the bus boy was thinking? (I grant you, he was thinking a humorous thing.)
Also, I like that, even though you are a gunslinger, you don't really shoot people.

At 11:15 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

You could hardly be blamed:

warm yogurt = bucket of snot.

At 11:37 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

That new Dannon yogurt Frusion product must really offend your sense of propriety, Latigo.

Be strong, noble gunfighter. I can't get fresh cilantro from the grocery store if it's barricaded with Do No Cross - Crime Scene ribbons and walkie-talkie mumbling police seargents.

At 1:48 PM, Blogger Gil The Carnie said...

Whatta' bout pudding?

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

You shoulda had Kid Relish put some scorpions in the yogurt and made that good-fer-nothin barkeep eat it.

That'll learn 'im.

At 9:26 PM, Blogger Kilroy Trout said...

At 4:44 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

i had yogurt for breakfast today.

granted, it wasn't warm. no. not at all.

At 4:48 PM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

Funny thing, yogurt and beer are both made from bacteria cultures. Every Michigander is required by law to at least know someone who has grown various yeasties - if not grown them themselves.

I believe this stems from a militia survival tactic. In the case one would have to hold fast in an encampment; we'll all know how to brew beer and grow yogurt for sustenance.

At 12:20 AM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

I don't trust yogurt either Latigo.
Then agin, I don't trust anything. The other day I decided not to trust my self, and spent three days second guessing every thing I did, and walking backwards to keep an eye on me.

At 10:49 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i suspect it was semen. i used to be a bartender. i also have only a right eye and a penchant for storage.

At 3:01 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

But I didn't eat it Greg, I fanned hot lead into it. Um... rapaciousness is a big word. I'm haunted by waters. I'm Latigo Flint and I adore you for commenting.

It is not Cindy-Lou, that's absolutely right. It is no laughing matter. I adore you for commenting also. (I'm still haunted by waters.)

Hey, you're Cara. Hello Cara. To answer your question... um... I'm clairvoyant? Er, what I mean to say is: I'm clairvoyant damn it, and don't you forget it you wraith!

An apt comparison Old Hoss. APT I SAY!!!

You possess great culinary skill Steve, I remember that now. I'm secure enough in my heterosexuality to note that I'm more than slightly turned on by a man who cooks.

Oh, hey Carnie. No, no pudding is fine. Gots zero probs with the pudding.

Ghost Dog: Didn't I see that on an episode of Fear Factor?

Kilroy: That goes to one of those whatchamacallit... um, website things, don't it?

Well no Tabitha, of course it wasn't. Who in their right mind would eat warm yogurt? Not you, that's for dern sure. (Hey! You look a little bit like an Elfin Princess in your thumbnail picture... Are you actually an Elfin Princess?)

Hello Muse. Would you believe me if I told you I was aware of the subtle connection from the start? (I polished off the rest the other day. Very good.)

Grublygold, you are my favorite Grubly who ever Grubbled the 7 seas. If admiration could maim, you'd be in a ward.

Ho, I'm absolutely not afraid to defer to experts when need be. I shall assume it to be so.


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