Sunday, July 24, 2005

One Antler Moose

The worst mistake anyone could ever make would be to assume that One Antler Moose is half a moose. One Antler Moose only has one antler, it's true, but that fact doesn't half his capacity to kill. If anything it doubles it.

The problem most moose encounter when they're trying to kill something is that almost everything they want to kill is narrower than their antler span. The moose are left/right indecisive with their antlers and often end up simply tickling their intended victims with soft, velvety ears.

One Antler Moose doesn't have this problem.

One Antler Moose always knows which antler he's going to use.

One Antler Moose and Latigo Flint have a wary respect for each other. We each see in the other an impressive ability to maim and kill.

"Hello there One Antler Moose." I say whenever our paths cross.

He replies with several snorts and tail shake.

I grin. This joke is as warm and familiar as an old stove. "I don't know One Antler Moose, what's the worst thing about goring and trampling a fat forest ranger?"

One Antler Moose flicks his ears and snorts again. I start chuckling. Just because you already know the punchline doesn't mean the joke isn't funny.

"Same as you ever were One Antler Moose." I glance at my pocket watch.

One Antler Moose clears his throat and paws at the ground.

I grin at him. "Yeah well, not if I see you first."

We continue on our respective paths, glancing over our shoulders as we depart. Over time a Squinty-Eyed Gunslinger and a One Antlered Moose can certainly become unlikely friends. He and I have already proved that. But it doesn't mean either of us wouldn't kill the other in a heartbeat should the opportunity present itself.


At 6:29 AM, Blogger greta said...

Interesting... I engaged in a similar discourse just the other week with a limping wombat. He seemed pleasant enough, but there was something not quite right behind his eyes. And I suspect he was just feigning the limp to seem more interesting in social situations.

At 6:55 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

When One Antler gets you, do you suppose he might teach himself the quick draw with your gats? I can see it now -- new woodlands lore: "What's the worst thing about shooting a fat forest ranger?"

At 7:03 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

How do you suppose the moose lost his other antler? Did he tell you the story? And if he did, where can I get some of what you were drinking at the time?

At 10:16 AM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

It is against the law to push a live moose out of an aeroplane in Alaska. The number of antlers does not matter.

At 10:40 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

If you think they're dangerous, try poking fun at a one-balled MAN.

You'd be surprised how sensitive they can be about having only one ball!

At 11:53 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i remember last time i was around los angeles...the moose were like fucking misquitos. i was shooting them left and right and eating only their juicy spleen.

At 12:48 PM, Blogger Ithiel said...

Please, for those of your audience that aren't graced with a fluent understanding of moose...what is the worst thing about trampling and goring a fat forest ranger?

At 3:17 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

If there's anything more majestic than a mighty moose, it's a might one antler moose. The same applies for the gunslinger:squinty-eyed gunslinger relationship.

At 7:19 PM, Blogger katiedid said...

I like that you wear a pocket watch Latigo, because those durned wristwatch bands can slow a man down when reaching for his pistol.

At 12:35 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Hello Greta. (I've just seen the most amazing thing in the garden! Neil biffed himself in the face with a frying pan!) Splendid to hear from you. Those dern wombats are insidious little bastards aren't they?

It would be foolish to assume One Antler Moose is going to "get" me Old Hoss. If anything it'll be the other way around. Very much so the other way around.

Dave, the story of how One Antler Moose lost one of his antlers is an amazing story. It is a stupendous story. I salute for no discernable reason every time I hear it. I don't think I have enough time left in this world to tell it properly though. (Coors Long Necks... about forty of them. And a few antifreeze chasers.)

This kind of insight is precisely why I consider you among my very best friends DMor.

I actually don't appreciate you saying that LBB... For I in fact only have one ball and I'm not sensitive about it whatsoever. (But if girls giggle when they see me naked for the first time I bite off one of their nipples. Turnabout is fair play and whatnot.)

Well sure Ho. The spleen of a moose is dern good eatin' - ask anyone.

Good question Ithiel. Unfortunately it really doesn't translate well. I'm fluent in moose so of course I get the subtle nuanced hilarity. The best human translation I can offer is this: "What's the worst thing about trampling a fat forest ranger?" "Getting all that hoof vegetation lax appropriation funding apple-sprints."... You can see it really doesn't translate well at all.

There is a wisdom in your words Trevor. Along those lines I might add: Drunk Hobo to Drunk Hobo with imaginary friends.

And Katiedid, I really like that you noticed that I wear a pocket watch. Looks like we both got a little something extra today.


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