Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Laughing, Ghostly Dancers

Those people eating frozen yogurt on the outdoor patio of Latigo Flint's local shopping plaza have no idea that Latigo Flint is able to climb the tree that grows in the nearby planter.

This is how a Squinty-Eyed Gunslinger's mind works. Every potential advantage, every possible asset in every conceivable scenario is meticulously calculated, every second of every day.

If an unseen adversary currently mingles with the relaxing shoppers and has designs on shooting Latigo Flint in the back, that villain will surely expect Latigo Flint to attempt a draw at the first glimpse of iron. He will not be expecting Latigo Flint to leap on the concrete planter, quickly scale the small ficus tree and then return fire from this sudden vantage.

The front door at Starbucks sticks just a bit. File that shit away, (tap-tap goes the finger to the temple) could save a Quickdraw's life someday. Shopping cart with a wobbly wheel - file it away! Pull that apple, the stack comes down - tuck that in your hat brim. Don't need it now? Might need it soon.

Baby, stroller, recently waxed floor! Good to know, good to know. Puppy dog behind that bench, not visible from certain angles - interesting, interesting!

Dern, I've just bonked my shin really hard on this friggin' bike rack... Excellent!!! File it away! Mustn't let anyone know I've just bonked my shin on this friggin' bike rack though. Exclusive information births advantage, see?

It's evolution baby!!! Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers aren't born, they're made. The quick and the dead, the sharp and the dull and whatnot. Only the good die young. Don't you know that you are a shooting star? A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.



Okay... turns out mixing Red Bull, vodka and paint thinner ain't such a great idea. I just put my fist through my monitor. I'm going to have to guess where the "Publish Post" button is now.

Wait a minute, I don't want you to know I've just put my fist through my monitor -- after all, exclusive information births advantage...

Um, attention: Just then when I said I put my fist through my monitor, I meant my pet monitor lizard, not my computer monitor. My computer monitor is fine. My pet monitor lizard, um, "Señor Sackett", needs immediate medical attention. I'm taking Señor Sackett to the vet now. Good night.

"Let's see, publish post, publish post... If I were a Publish Post Button, where would I be?"

"Shut up man, they can hear you."

"Reap it you laughing ghostly dancer, no they can't!"


At 1:06 AM, Blogger ThePaula said...

This is basically how I live my life, but not because I'm preparing for any potential shoot-outs, simply because I suffer from social anxiety and sometimes I need an escape route.

At 7:24 AM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

shut up man they can hear you.

oh fuck. totally hilarious.

At 9:04 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Oh, Mr. Flint, you have me laughing out loud again. Too bad you can't see me from your vantage point -- you would see that I have dentures and a uvula shaped like a fishhook. (Better file that away in your cerebellum.)

At 9:29 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I knew a guy who contracted meningitis from his pet monitor lizard. Untreated, this infectious disease can cause insanity.

It's only cure: drinking more paint thinner.

At 9:33 AM, Blogger amandapants said...

"It's evolution baby!!! Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers aren't born, they're made."

This statement has completely re-aligned my goals and purpose in life. God bless you, Latigo. Now, where do I get some holsters?

p.s. Isn't that tree outside of Starbucks like 4 feet tall?
(hmmm.... maybe I'm too mean to be a gunslinger)

At 9:41 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

If paint thinner helps you remember to mentally store things away for future reference, can that very knowledge about paint thinner be stored away? It is a deep question.

Similarly, if a tree falls in the woods, is it a 4 ft. tall ficus?

At 10:03 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

But how far can you run, flat out, at this altitude before your hands start to shake?

At 11:55 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

i got your reference ghost dog. good one.

it was exactly what i was thinking . . .

At 12:10 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

if that post were in a shootout with the famous outlaw john berringer, that post would walk away on that day.

At 8:26 PM, Blogger Ectoplasm said...

The phrase "information births advantage" I find discomforting and creepy. You are forbidden from using it further.

At 9:43 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

I always make sure to test the thickness of a window, should I need a fast method of escape.

At 1:41 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Between you and me Paula, I know exactly what you mean. But try to tell anyone and I'll throw beer bottles at you and deny it.

I had it down as "sorta hilarious" TBlue, but I'm willing to be wrong on this one.

Filed Old Hoss. I think I've said it before, but damn, if I'm a third the man you are when I'm in my 70's I'm gonna do the Gold Miner's Dance of Joy every single day.

I'd be on the fence about treating it LBB. a) because insanity is so much friggin' fun, and b) because paint thinner tends to give me wicked gas.

He doesn't exactly bless me and He doesn't exactly curse me Amandapants. To answer your questions: 1# The Sylmar Swap Meet. #2 Yeah, well... (and then wooden deck chair thrown into pool) #3 Yes, perhaps you are.

This is a deep question Dave. I shall have to consult the Oracle of the Long Necked Coors.

At this altitude Ghost Dog? At this altitude I can run flat out for half a mile before my hands start shaking.

Are you calling me derivative Tabitha Jane? (You'd be correct of course, cruel but correct.)

I agree with that Ho. I agree wholeheartedly.

The truth can be extremely creepy Ectoplasm.

This is most shrewd of you Trevor, I do the same. (So did Waring Hudsucker.)


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