Friday, August 19, 2005

Dusty Stickers

Hello Kitty stickers do not belong on the serrated wool edge of Latigo Flint's serape. That's not where they're supposed to go. Hello Kitty stickers go on lunchboxes, TrapperKeeper notebook flaps and the cell phones of Japanese schoolgirls.

My shoulder muscles tensed as I strode through the front lobby area of my local pizza establishment. Something was wrong. Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers are always highly attuned to our environment. We have to be. "You attune or you decompose." Goes the old gunslinger saying. (They pronounced 'decompose' a bit differently 150 years ago, so the saying rhymed much better back then.)

I eased around, hands wide and ready. Then my keen ears detected it again, the unmistakable "splu-chunk" of a discharging sticker dispenser. I glanced down to discover a pair of silver and pink Hello Kitty stickers clinging to the hem of my favorite serape.

"Well isn't that just a grim howdy." I thought to myself. I drifted a squinty-eyed gaze over the length of the dining area. It was packed with couples, families and organized youth sports teams, all boisterously supping. None seemed aware a sticker dispenser even sat in the lobby, much less a malfunctioning one.

"Pardon me neighbors--did anyone pay for but not receive, two Hello Kitty stickers?"

No response.

"I bring it up only because a moment ago the sticker dispenser in the lobby happened to produce a pair of Hello Kitty stickers directly onto the edge of my serape. I figured perhaps the mechanism is old and tends to jam, resulting in an unpredictable delay between the insertion of two-bits and the resultant deposit of Hello Kitty stickers."

Several diners shot me a wary glances then continued eating.

"Friends, these stickers cannot remain on my serape. It is out of the question. Their temporary adorability must adhere to a different surface."

A large, red-faced father lurched to his feet, knocking over his young daughter's root beer glass in the process. He scowled down at her, apparently choosing to blame the placement rather than his uncoordinated elbow. She shrunk from his rage. Appeased, he turned his attention back to me.

"How 'bout you stick 'em in your ass and shut the hell up about it."

This was actually a rather severe mistake on his part. I proceeded to bludgeon him senseless with a large pie tin and then fed the remaining pizza to his nostrils. Over the relative calm of a trembling moan, I offered the edge of my serape to his young daughter. She shyly removed the Hello Kitty stickers and admired them longingly for a moment, then she used them to gently bandage her father's wounds.

I occasionally find myself humbled by a child's innocent capacity for loyalty undeserved.


At 6:50 AM, Blogger slarrow said...

The father richly deserved the beating he got. One does not gratuitiously insult a squinty-eyed gunslinger who's been maligned so by ephemeral paste-based cuteness. And, as they say, one grim howdy deserves another.


At 6:54 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

That galoot deserved worse, Flint-san. Spilling his little girl's root beer like that.

At 8:34 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

mmmm nothing goes better with pizza than rootbeer and a bloody nose.

At 10:12 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

One day Latigo Flint got riled and shucked pie tins so fast....

At 12:58 PM, Blogger MJ said...

Hello Kitty merch is surprisingly high in quality. My pink plastic HK wallet only tore a little and only after years of faithful service containing my weekly allowance. It held colored pencils, and a notepad, too. I'm not surprised HK stickers can be used to bangade wounds.

At 5:41 PM, Blogger katiedid said...

I think this is one my favorite posts of yours.

Sanrio characters and Quickdraws simply don't mesh well, even if a sticker-dispenser thinks so.

At 6:15 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Dude had it coming. Just hope the little girl doesn't grow up to be some kind of crime fighting vigilante dressed up as "Hello, Kitty!"

At 9:57 PM, Blogger ThePaula said...

Oh Latigo, my dear Latigo

My adoration for you is hard to contain

At 7:58 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

There are certain words that you never expect to see used in tandem.

For instance, "boisterously supping."

I laughed my ass off.

At 10:19 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Reading these finely crafted tales of woe is like finding a gold doubloon you'd forgotten in a coat pocket centuries before.

At 3:52 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

You should have offered to raise the young girl as your own. But a verbally abusive father might be better than an often absent gunslinger, I suppose. Hopefully she'll become a stripper when she turns 16, teaching him a valuable lesson.

At 5:36 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Thank you for your support Slarrow. That's the conclusion I reached as well. And that is what they say, isn't it?

He got what he deserved Ghost Dog... The large pizza was less than half eaten at the time. That's an awful lot for two nostrils to inhale.

I like that line a lot Tabitha Jane. Do you speak from experience?

I'm slow to rile Old Hoss... but when I do...

My experience with Hello Kitty merchandise is quite limited compared to yours MJ. But yes, it did seem to make a remarkably fine bandage.

Thank you very much Katiedid. (My favorite post remains The Journal of the Nameless Cowpuncher, but for reasons that could only be described as nostalgic and self-serving.)

Actually Amandarama, why not? That sounds pretty awesome!

Hello Paula. Really? I can't understand why... wait a minute, was that you in the pizza establishment?

Hey Dave, you've been in crowded pizza establishments before right? Is there any other way to describe it?!

That sounds alright to me Ari. Thank you very much.

I am conflicted now Trevor. You've conflicted me. I find myself ever-torn between my wish for young girls to actualize the self-respect and inner strength within... and my desire to watch them masturbate beneath bright lights and blaring house music.


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