Monday, August 22, 2005

A Tough Way to Forget

Do you want to hear one of the ways Latigo Flint can tell he's really tough? Latigo Flint knows he's really tough because one time a wrought iron patio table fell off a balcony and landed on Latigo Flint and Latigo Flint didn't cry.

People who aren't tough always cry when a wrought iron patio table falls off a balcony on them.

People happened to be passing by and they saw the patio table fall on me. "My God!" They said. "That iron patio table just fell on you!!!"

"Oh did it?" I stretched out, reclining on an elbow and tried to look nonchalant. I gave the patio table a disinterested glance. "Hmm, yes, I suppose it did."

They couldn't believe it--they couldn't believe how tough I was. They watched stunned, as I hummed a carefree little tune and gingerly explored my gaping head wound with gentle fingers.

"Yep, that's fairly severe. I'm going to need gauze, quite a bit of gauze. Would someone be a sweetheart and fetch me about a barrel of gauze?"

They stared around at each other in astonishment. "Shouldn't we call an ambulance or something?" One of them piped up.

"No thank you, just gauze. A barrel or two of gauze please."

The nice thing about having a wrought iron patio table fall on you is that you get the chance to prove to strangers how tough you are.

The downside is it hurts quite a bit and you forget April... All of them! I've lost twenty-something Aprils. Lord only knows how I've spent this lifetime's Aprils. I constantly bemoan my inability to woo the cute Starbucks barista... Hell, for all I know I've successfully wooed hundreds of cute Starbucks baristas, and their uncles. And don't even know it.

Losing all your Aprils is kind of a bummer. It's such a lovely month you know. Fortunately Latigo Flint does a lot of living and eleven of Latigo Flint's months more than equals most people's twelve.

(For instance, I don't even remotely recall ever writing this: Eve Flint.)


At 12:26 AM, Anonymous Cale said...

For those squinty eyed tots reading this at home it is important to know the difference between toughness and leprosy.

If you think that dropping a wrought iron patio table on your toe is a feet of strength you can handle be sure to have your ma' and pa' ready with the iodine.

Balance is important for quickdraw -- and without a big toe -- or foot even -- it becomes quite difficult.

... That being said, it would also be all the more impressive.

At 4:12 AM, Blogger greta said...

If you like, I could tee-up a few States-based mates to drop a barbeque on you or thwack you with a banana lounge in the presence of your Starbucks siren. Who wouldn't go gooey for a bloke at the business end of a hefty bit of outdoor furniture?

At 6:11 AM, Blogger Joe said...

And so goes yet another reason why I'll never measure up with the famous Latigo Flint. The best I can hope for is to one day become his comical sidekick.

At 8:34 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

One time I took a field hockey ball in the face. Much to the surprise of everyone I was fine, but, later in the game, I found the girl who hit the ball at me and did something awful to her ankle. Getting a wrought iron patio table dumped on you is much worse. I hope you tracked down the offending varmints and did something terrible to them. Preferably with firearms.

At 9:54 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Once I was hit by a yard dart. It entered through the top of my foot, exited through the ticklish part of the insole and bled about 4 pints.

I finished that goddamn game though and ran a victory lap around the yard afterward. Then passed out from blood loss and pain. When I came to, I was told I had received a sympathy BJ from a fat girl.

Ah, yard darts.

At 10:34 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Hereafter you might want to carry some cats in your pockets so you can have enough catgut for stitching your heinous wounds. Three cats should be plenty. Unless you're planning on getting hit by a wrought iron patio table AND a garbage truck.

At 11:36 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Sorry about your head. The table injury, and the transient insanity.

At 11:48 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

april is the cruelest month they say.

At 12:06 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

april showers (of wrought iron patio furniture) bring may flowers . . . or so they say.

At 2:57 PM, Blogger MJ said...

Hm. Yeah, that is really tough. You've proved it to this passing stranger.

At 12:23 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

You are an enigma Cale, with your deep, insightful comments and your un-hyperlinked handle. I salute you Sir, or Madam.

You are very kind Greta. I'm going to go with the barbeque please. Tell them to make sure it's actively grilling at the time: red-hot coals, t-bone steaks--I'm pulling out all the stops for this particular barista!

Thank you very much Joe, but I must warn you--horrible fates tend to befall my comical sidekicks. Kid Relish adapted and became unpredictably violent. It's kept him alive so far.

"did something awful to her ankle" made me laugh out loud Amandarama. I was laughing so hard that I almost abbreviated 'laughing out loud'. Fortunately I came to my senses and managed to take the time to spell out three words.

You are very tough and brave Dave, no doubt about it.

I am unable to compose a coherent response to this comment Old Hoss... please take it as a highest complement, it doesn't often occur you know.

Thank you LBB. I grew up weird and that made me sharp, but it also made me lonely. (This is not my line but I like it so much I'm using it anyway.)

Yes, I remember them saying that Ho. (Wait, no I don't!)

They say a lot of things Tabitha Jane. But often just to sell more greeting cards. "Yogurt cannot be trusted!" This is something else They often say. Wait, no they don't... but they oughta, that's all I'm saying.

Well then MJ... Success! Success to me and my eternal toughness!

At 7:55 PM, Blogger Kevin Jackson said...

Well, this is interesting. I did a blog search for barista jobs and found your site. When I get some time I'll come back and find out where barista jobs appears and how it relates - if it even does. Take care - nice work.


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