Thursday, September 15, 2005

Bleeding Alone in Sporadic Spurts

The problem with bleeding alone is that no one's there to see how sexy you look. Crouching in the half light, squinty-eyed and snarling as a burgundy slick pools about your feet is all well and awesome and tough, but ultimately means very little if you're the only witness.

But the problem with leaning in the entrance to your cute co-worker's cubicle every time you get a paper cut is that you quickly run out of reasons for being there.

"I saw the beast that bit me, it was twenty-pound and watermarked. I enacted vengeance swift and shredded it needlessly." This works once, provided your co-worker is fairly sharp, and doesn't already hate you. (Oh yeah, and isn't on the phone when you say it.) But it gets old real quick, and by about the third time, her nervous laughter thinly disguises annoyance and revulsion.

Latigo Flint once said the following to a female co-worker: "Chest-to-chest is passionate but our hearts are on different sides. Let me press upon your back and our ventricles will align."

(Latigo Flint doesn't work there anymore.)

Squinty-Eyed Gunslinger was the best job ever. No one can argue against this. No one even tries. Winter cabins, whiskey and dance hall saloons. You called the whole west your home and could sometimes shoot your boss.

I have no head for business, I lack its acumen. Dollars seem so pointless, until I'm eating Kraft again. I'm uneasy all the time now. Yes, it's partly due the fact I'm not allowed to gut-shoot impolite people. But it's more than that I think. I look around today and see late Rome. It's opulent, lazy and indignant. A constant glorification of all the wrong travails. Almost as many litigators as engineers.

I blame yogurt... for no particular reason other than it sure feels good to pick something and snarl at it with everything I've got. Things were awesome in the time of the cowboy, and you never saw them eating yogurt now did you?!

This is not a rail against science or technology, only yogurt. Cowboys were men (and women) of science, mostly biological. And they certainly embraced technology. (Until it replaced them, of course. Forget about that for now though--it's not relevant.) They never trusted yogurt; that's what is relevant, and I've just decided we shouldn't either.

Yogurt--is it Really Worth it?

(I'm Latigo Flint and I approve this message.)


At 3:09 AM, Blogger Jinxy said...

I blame Internet porn and the return of Swing music.

At 6:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was the active yorgurt cultures the whole time. There are millions of them, pretending to be tasty, each vying for a portion of your very soul.

At 6:11 AM, Anonymous D.H. Callahan said...

A man's got to know his limitations.

At 7:48 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Why is it that crouching in a slick pool of blood makes you look sexy, but changing that to a pool of semen lands you in the back seat of a police cruiser?

At 8:37 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

"Chest-to-chest is passionate but our hearts are on different sides. Let me press upon your back and our ventricles will align."

Do all Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers prefer doggy style?

It's a shame you don't have four thumbs and a tail. That you don't even see in the Kama Sutra.

(At some point I'll explain why I dislike the Kevin so much. It may not change your mind, you being so seemingly devoted, but perhaps it may stay your wrath for a spell.)

At 9:52 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Yeah, things have gone to hell over there in Tibet. Some meat farmer comes across a campsite and says: "Yo, you there in the girt." And the people in the girt come out firing because they think the farmer is bringing in some yogurt, which, as you know, is deadly to Tibetans and gunslingers.

At 10:14 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i hate camping. but i do enjoy pistol whipping. is there some middle ground? maybe Westworld would be best for me. westworld is bestworld.

At 11:47 AM, Blogger fourth_fret said...

Yogurt is the debil. I think you are wise to blame it... for everything. Especially floods, famine, war and changing the landscape for gunslingers.

I'm going to go cry in my pudding now, which is not the debil.

At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Iconoclast Zach said...

Yogurt is clearly a symptom of the times. And you aren't the only one who sees the Rome parallel, Latigo.

At 2:35 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

if i had a million dollars, we wouldn't have to eat kraft macaroni and cheese. but we would, we would just eat more of it.

so, was yogurt to blame for the fall of rome as well?

At 3:08 PM, Blogger MJ said...

That's funny. Yogurt apparently is credited for my height as well -- not genes! I'm serious!

At 3:12 PM, Blogger kooody said...


At 5:51 PM, Blogger greta said...

Blood-splattered-lads are indeed the hotness. But personally I prefer it when the object of my desire gnaws a scab off his arm and presents it to me as a token of his undying love.

Is that so wrong, I ask you?

At 7:45 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I'm sorry, Latigo. I cannot give up yogurt. Not even for you. I guess this is goodbye.

At 8:09 PM, Blogger Ari said...

How about chocolate raspberry yogurt mousse (avoid stirring to maintain consistency), Latty?

Does it count?

Am I to blame for Romerica's fall from grace if I buy and consume it?

At 9:24 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

This is why I endorse temp work. You can say what you what and it won't matter. Next week it'll be a new cubicle bound chiquita who won't have heard the story of how the blodd-letting beast must be shredded. And, eventually, the temp agency pays out benefits. But not in yogurt and that's important.

At 10:01 PM, Blogger Whit said...

OK, so if yogurt is bad, then what about flan? Or tapioca? Or rice pudding? Those are along the same categories...but are they bad, too? I could do without yogurt the rest of my life, but rice pudding?...I have to draw the line somewhere. My husband likes flan, and I'd hate to think that he can't have that. And well, tapioca I could care less about honestly, so let's take that off the table for consideration.

Gosh, now I really have to think about whether or not to keep rice pudding in my life. Dangit...and right before the weekend.

(Perhaps that angry wolverine you hugged had just eaten yogurt...that's my bet.)

At 10:34 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

An insightful post, LF.

I've always believed FDR, LBJ and MTV are to blame for our current mess.

At 12:19 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I could have just as easily focused on those two as the root of all evil Jinxy... roll of the dice... different time, different place.

Exactly Chestocrates!!! And they're shaped like spiders, those active yogurt cultures, when you magnify 'em. Our scientists know it--they're covering it up to avoid a panic.

Yes he does D.H. Callahan, yes he does. (That is a very intelligent name, by the way. Anyone ever tell you that? One could write almost anything, and if the quotational byline was "D.H. Callahan" people would consider it, and consider it well. That's what I think anyway.)

It's one of life's great puzzlers Dave. A mystery, a mystery. More field experiments needed I suppose.

I cannot speak for all Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers Monkey. (Most of them are long-dead anyway.) And Re: The Kevin. I'm not certain I even care to know. Believe this--I have tomes of rebuttal, hundreds of thousands of words already writ in His defense. (On the walls of my room and across my soul.)

That's why we need to FREE it Old Hoss. For once I agree with the hippies and their bumper stickers. The Imperialistic Chinese Yogurt Oppression of Tibet must end now!

There is no middle ground Ho, only pain!
(You talk too much.
You say something boy?
I said you talk too much.
Try to make me shut up.)

That is very wise of you Forth. How did you know not to actually pronounce "devil" and "yogurt" in the same sentence? Oh god... but I just did!!! I have to sleep sometime, and the bacteria bides its time.

I try not to stare at it very long Zach... it's friggen scary. I distract myself with porn and booze.

And we'd buy expensive ketchups Tabitha Jane. I'm gonna put a really tiny fridge in there somewhere for you Tabitha Jane.

Oblix fell into a cauldron of magic potion when he was a baby... is this what happened to you MJ, except it was yogurt?

Hello Kody. How are you?

You're gonna ruin American women for me Greta, you keep talking like that so fine.

Bitter trails Cindy-Lou, we walk 'em alone now I guess. We'll always have the Lyle L. though.

Um, let's see Ari, gonna have to perform some calculations, run some very completed algorithms... let's see, and carry the two... Yep! It counts. You're officially not part of the solution--all because of yogurt.

I have a weakness for cubicle bound chiquitas Amandarama, this is true. I show them how to use the copier, and sometimes sniff their chair. (Just joking of course, mostly.)

The gray area is so very wide Whit, and the black and white so narrow. It paralyzes me into complacency. I'm at the end of my rope Whit. I vote we eat nothing that quivers until we sort this whole mess out. That's my vote!

I can see your point LBB, but I don't blame them... I blame yogurt! (As I believe I've already made abundantly clear.)


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