Friday, September 16, 2005

Burying The Sunshine

I put The Sunshine down, she was too weak to stand.

Aii-no!!! Did you have to?

I did Wife, I did. It was cruel to have waited this long.


A script titled Burying The Sunshine is currently circulating through this tinsel town, and it's generating a deafening buzz.


It will destroy Reyna when she learns.

Yes Wife, I think you are right. Where is Reyna by the way?

There she goes, probably to the back field to play.

Mierda! That is where The Sunshine's body lies, bloated and rank and attracting flies. Reyna!!! Come to the house a moment, I need to talk to you. Reyna, can you hear me? No Reyna, don't go in the field!!!


Burying The Sunshine is the powerful and heartbreaking story of Reyna Quiñconez Octavio, the only daughter of a Chilean bean farmer. It tells of her savage quest to avenge the murder of her pet llama, The Sunshine.

Reyna's long and bloody trail takes her from high in the Andes to the slums of Santiago, where she soon discovers she must earn pesos horizontally if she is to avoid starvation. Within two years, Reyna Quiñconez Octavio has become a well-respected contract killer. (El Pequeño Asesino -- The Little Assassin.) She is twelve years old. By fourteen, she's the acting deputy overseeing a joint human slave trading operation for several local cartels. By fifteen, she's killing visiting diplomats just to win bar bets.

When new evidence opens an old wound, Reyna must return to her home village to face the last man she ever thought she'd have to kill... her father.

A bidding war has already begun for the script, and no one's even read it yet. They're calling it an Oscar Mine--The next foreign breakthrough hit. South America's Crouching Tiger, the Chilean Whale Rider.

A whole lot of people are going to be mighty grumpy if they ever find out the writer is actually my relatively trusty sidekick, Kid Relish. And that he isn't even remotely Chilean. And that he conducted all his "script research" in less than twenty minutes using the internet search engine, Altavista. (I know, right? Not even Google!)

Kid assures me no one will ever find out. "Come on Latty," he sneered. "The suits don't even watch 'em before they release 'em... not if they're subtitled. And do you really think the orgasming reviewers are going to double check with the Chilean Film Commission before writing their breathless reviews?"

Kid Relish flashed me his winning grin. "No one ever thinks to authenticate foreign films, Latty, because they can't fathom that anyone would ever want to counterfeit one. But no one's ever seen a devil cheeky as me."

Unless it's found to be the fraud it is, be sure to look for Burying The Sunshine (Enterrar La Sol) coming soon to critics choice lists and broke-down art houses everywhere.


At 6:30 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Hollywood has thus far ignored all things Chilean. Perhaps KR will break through the evil permafrost that is the Hollywood culture.

Just last night I personally engineering the demise of a Chilean Sea Bass with a dill demi glaze. It is of no importance, but somehow I felt it bore mentioning.

At 7:07 AM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

Brilliant! And the ultra-graphic hyper-violence is always artistic (and never gratuitous) when it's a foreign film!

At 8:41 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

there are no slums in santiago.

At 9:42 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

i think i had that children's book as a kid . . . yes, "buring the sunshine" . . . my favorite page was the one with the illustration of the rotting llama carcass.

At 10:00 AM, Anonymous tmc said...

Using the search engine altavista is an official authentication device for most Chilean films I've seen. I think it counts for Peruvian, too.

At 10:18 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

Kid Relish...misunderstood genius or merely a condiment to the hot dog that is Latigo Flint?

¡"Enterrar la Sol es una obra clásica inmediata! Ebert y Roeper le dan dos pulgares para arriba... su extremo."

At 10:24 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I'm thinkin' "High.... (uh, what's the Spanish word for when the sun is straight up, and both hands are on the 12?)" That one.

At 11:50 AM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

I have missed too many of your tales, just catching up now.

It sounds like you've already got this in the bag. However, I suggest you add a scene where life if compared to an old ash tree. It doesn't have to actually mean anything at all, but people in Hollywood will weep when they see it just so they don't seem shallow.

At 2:43 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

That's genius. Fake foreign films. I'm jealous I didn't think of this.

At 6:28 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

Latigo, I'm sorry for what I said before. Will you take me back?

At 8:11 AM, Blogger fourth_fret said...

oh, this is brilliant! kid relish rocks my face off. spaghetti westerns have just lost their cheesy heiarchy to the feigned foreign film.

i want autographs. immediately. :)

At 3:40 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Dave, the rumor is that Robert Redford buys up every single promising Chilean film and hides the reels in his pool house for reasons that could only be described as mean spirited. But that just seems silly and I don't believe it for a second.

Isn't that just the friggin' truth Lance! It's like a quadruple standard or something... it makes me giggle.

You're wrong Ho. There are lots of slums in Santiago. Lots and lots.

Yes Tabitha Jane, that's the exact book Kid Relish is adapting. He's taking some creative liberties though. For instance, in the original children's book, Reyna didn't become an eleven-year-old prostitute.

Hello TMC. Yes, I agree with your observation... but there's a slim chance we've never had the chance to see the really good ones because they're gathering dust in Robert Redford's pool house.

Only time will tell Monkey, only time will tell. (Where did Ebert and Roper shove their thumbs?!!!)

"Mierda" Old Hoss, I think that's the word you're looking for.

This is a very good idea Trevor. I will recommend it to Kid. If I know The Kid, he's going to crap all over it... and then sneak it in and try to pass it off as his own.

Don't be jealous Amandarama--The Kid has lots of ideas... they can't make him happy.

You mean you want me to take you back as my imaginary girlfriend Cindy-Lou? I've got news for you... I never really let go.

It shames me to say this Fourth, since he is my relatively trusty sidekick and all, but Kid signs autographs by tearing the head off a kitten and smushing the neck stump onto the paper. And I don't think anyone wants that.

At 10:42 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

Ebert & Roeper gave it two thumbs up....your butt.


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