Monday, September 26, 2005

The Feral Children

The city's plan was to clear out a wooded canyon in the hills north of Los Angeles and build a housing complex there. A number of crude wooden structures already stood in the canyon, nestled haphazardly amongst the scrub oak and chaparral. Everyone assumed the rickety shacks were the clubhouses of suburban neighborhood children. They thought wrong; suburban neighborhood children don't build clubhouses anymore--suburban neighborhood children don't even leave their houses to play these days.

No, those were actually dwellings. Something of a town if you will--constructed and inhabited by many dozens of feral children. Abandoned misbehavers and runaway orphans mostly.

When the city surveyor walked up into the canyon, the feral children killed him with cinderblocks and ate him.

This did not go over very well at all. People freak out a bit over abandoned children. There tends to be a lot of finger pointing and lawsuits. A small party of civic leaders, concerned citizens and local media stormed up the canyon to rescue the children. They were promptly pelted to death with cinderblocks and eaten.

This was turning into a real black eye for the community. A town hall meeting was called, presided over by the mayor, the police chief and the school superintendent. The three of them told the assembled crowd to go up in the canyon and rescue the feral children. The assembled crowd told them where to stick that idea, and then the crowd unanimously voted that the mayor, the police chief and the school superintendent should go up in the canyon and rescue the feral children.

The mayor, the chief and the super didn't like the sound of that plan at all. They said they'd love to except they just remembered they had important business they had to attend to. The crowd called them sissies to which the mayor responded: "Fine, then replace us... who wants to be mayor, police chief and school superintendent?"

Several dimwitted local business owners enthusiastically raised their hands but retracted them moments later when they realized their very first duty would be to go up into the wooded canyon to rescue the feral children, whereupon they'd very likely be killed with cinderblocks and eaten.

It was ultimately decided that the housing complex should be built somewhere else and everyone would just try to forget about the whole thing. No one was especially happy with the decision, but everyone kept their dissent to themselves. Cowards talk loud until they're on the front line.

Several months later, pets started disappearing from backyards. The townspeople lowered guilty eyes and tried not to mention it.


At 11:13 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You know what the townfolk needed? Bean-bag guns. You watch those kids run.

At 11:32 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

And of course, what else in the world is as cruel as a child?

At 6:58 AM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

I'm not sure you can blame the disappearing pets on the feral children. Like the saying goes, "Never attribute to malice that which you can attribute to Kid Relish."

At 6:59 AM, Blogger slarrow said...

Alas, this town has merely kicked the can down the road. If the townspeople cannot withstand the cinder blocks when these are mere feral children, however will they survive when the children emerge and become politicians?

(Of course, they must call Latigo Flint. But they must hope he's not dead. Or that he was dead but got tired of it and stopped. And isn't all zombie and stuff.)

At 7:34 AM, Blogger Other Brother said...

I've got an idea that would make us a pile, Flint. We get an armored SUV and hang sides of beef along the outside of it. then, around halloween time, we charge cruise through the canyone late at night and give the passengers a good scare as the feral children attack our vehicle and devour the fresh meat. We could charge $50 a person.

At 9:08 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

damn squatters.

At 9:10 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Eaten raw, or fricaseed? You always leave out the important parts....

At 9:40 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

I am so sad. Time to drink.

At 10:35 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

has anyone tried something like what that pied piper did in hamlen? he could play a pipe and all the rats -- er, feral children -- could follow him and drown in the river . . . or something.

At 1:11 PM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

Children are evil, I meant FERAL children are evil Feral.

Stop looking at me like that.

Stop it.

At 3:39 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

I say they should take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

At 10:07 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Bean-bag guns tickle a mite LBB... But, feral children hate being tickled, so this is a rather good plan.

Besides indiscriminant cancer Trevor? You're right, not much else.

Bravo Lance!!! Bra-vo! Insightful comment of the year... to you, right there.

Too good Slarrow. Everyone always wonders what sort of person would want to be a career politician... you and I know, don't we? (Yes, the second one: "was, but got tired of it and stopped". Apt description there; that's more or less exactly what happened.)

Agreed Other Brother, I like your style. BUT! We're having them sign a waver goldangit. I anticipate several heart attacks per ride, and I'll be derned if I'm getting stuck with the legal bill.

Worse'n free grazers ain't they Ho?

I know Old Hoss, it's my way.

This is actually not an especially sad story Dave. 'Course, I'll not stand between any man and his booze.

The thought of being brained with a cinderblock and eaten tends to make pipers uneasy Tabitha Jane. (Why, are you volunteering?)

I disagree TSP. Feral children aren't evil, they're just misunderstood. Probably all they really need is a good hug. (Unfortunately, trying to hug a feral child happens to be an excellent way to get your head bashed in with a cinderblock.)

Has it come to that Amandarama? My god, have we at long last painted ourselves into the apocalyptic corner? I'll fly the bombers if you're sure... you have the final word.

At 3:40 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

no, not at all. i can't pipe. at least not the kind that make music.


Post a Comment

<< Home