Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Grizzly Reason

A furious grizzly bear cannot be reasoned with. Latigo Flint is one of the few who knows this firsthand--for not only have I faced a furious grizzly bear, rare enough in its own right, but I did in fact try to reason with it.

"Look here bear," I said, "I can see you're very upset about something."

The furious grizzly bear promptly tried to eat my face off. It gave no indication it even heard. Well, I did not allow the bear to eat my face off. I performed a nimble evasive maneuver instead. It was a successful nimble evasive maneuver because it resulted in me not having my face eaten off.

I scolded the furious grizzly bear. "Dern it bear," said I. "For the first time in your life, you've met someone willing to help you discover the root of your rage and what's your initial reaction? You try to eat his face off. Can you not see how self-destructive that is?"

The grizzly bear thought about this for a moment, then tried to gut me with a brace of seven-inch claws--so I double-fisted shotguns and blew its eyes away. The recoil shattered both my wrists.

The bear howled in agony and started running around in stumbling circles. I sat on a log, stared dejectedly at my ruined wrists and tried to figure out how in the hell I was going to masturbate for the next 6 to 8 weeks.

It's safe to say both the bear and I had had better days.


Important Note: This post is closed to comments that contain masturbation technique advice for the crippled. I mean please, do you really think I need any help coming up with fantastic and innovative ways to masturbate?! Trust me, I got it covered.

Here's what I'd love... I'd really love to know what your name would be if you were a Unicorn.

I'll tell you mine: Spacklerump the Glorious. That's what my Unicorn name would be.

Good night,



At 10:14 PM, Blogger ComicFanatic said...

Hobble DeDinks would be my unicorn name.

At 8:03 AM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

The Monoceros Collective

At 8:47 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

Longpole the Furious.

At 9:50 AM, Blogger Other Brother said...

Stinkhorn the Noble Steed

At 10:17 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Sal Macaloose.

At 10:24 AM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

One of these:
1. The Wicked Muse Maestro
2. Noir Momma the Delicious

At 10:54 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I Googled it. My name is Horny, the Two-Peckered Vainglorious.

At 11:27 AM, Blogger Ithiel said...

My unicorn name would be Twinkletoes the-erm...never mind

At 12:14 PM, Blogger MJ said...

Majestic Juicybloom

At 3:42 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

my friend db can reason with brown bears . . . but not grizzlies. have you ever seen the movie "the edge"? that's a bear that wont be reasoned with!

unicorn name: ithacka sparklefoot.

At 3:57 PM, Blogger ThePaula said...

Paula the Unicorn

At 8:50 PM, Blogger Mo's Girl said...

Ivannahumpalot would be my name ...don't ask me where that came from :)

At 10:40 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

My friends, you have made Latigo Flint very happy. Doesn't it feel good to finally reveal our Unicorn names to each other?

Hobble DeDinks--I can tell you are a feisty and trustworthy Unicorn. You're the sort of Unicorn that would save children from angry bees and maybe even wasps. You're terrified of butterflies but hide it well.

Monocerous--You are a mighty and majestic Unicorn. You tower over the other unicorns. You're the one they call upon when the cave giants attack. Clover makes you flatulent, but you're held in such high regard that everyone pretends not to notice when it happens.

Longpole the Furious--you are a most dangerous little Unicorn; nervy and unpredictable. In a fight, all the unicorns are glad you're on their side. But at night no one lifts their tail, even to brush away flies, if you're anywhere nearby.

Stinkhorn the Noble Steed--you are one of the rocks. The other unicorns never have any idea how much they've come to depend on you until you aren't there. You're sometimes easily confused and you've been known to be badly tricked by the enemy, but your loyalty and gumption in a fight has never been in doubt.

Sal Macaloose--You are a very rare and unique Scottish/Italian Unicorn. Nobody has ever seen such a thing. They say you can't possibility exist but this only makes you laugh and that's from where you derive your power. You are the only Unicorn that's fueled by his own laughter.

Ah yes, the shape shifting Unicorn Queen, matriarch of the Unicorn kingdom: Wicked Muse the Delicious. You rule the unicorns against your will. You'd rather be down by some brook searching for the rarest of flowers, the Black Pansy of Dunderlaiven, but cannot shirk a queen's duty.

Horny the Two-Peckered Vainglorious!!! You were Longpole's former roommate, but the two of you kept the entire Unicorn kingdom awake and finally had to be separated. Nobody knows you eat baby birds right out of the nest whenever you find them; it's been your little secret for nearly seventy-five thousand years.

Twinkletoes the (censored). When you became the proud sire of a unicorn foal, you turned your back on your wild younger unicorn days. You run the meadows and daisy fields no more, but your horn... sharp as ever.

Majestic Juicybloom!!! The sauciest young unicorn in the entire kingdom. It seems only yesterday you were an adolescent female, scampering the starflower fields. Now look at you. (And every male unicorn in the kingdom certainly does.) The elders have already banned you from fourteen dreamlands. You don't care, there's plenty more.

I have seen The Edge. Unicorns sometimes have to fight Bart the Bear. Anthony Hopkins too. Anthony Hopkins is a Unicorn slayer. Ithacka Sparklefoot was the one who warned the entire kingdom the last time Anthony Hopkins attacked. You got a medal for it.

Paula the Unicorn. You are not especially glittery or fantastic. But low-key serves you well as the reclusive head of the kingdom's science department. Unicorns tend to have little use for things like science or engineering but that doesn't bother you, and you wouldn't trade your learned solitude for a million butterflies.

Ivannahumpalot. (I won't ask because I already know.) You are Head Nun of the Kingdom's convent. A pure and chaste Unicorn Priestess with healing powers.

And then there's Spacklerump the Glorious. What could I possibly say about Spacklerump the Glorious?! He is Spacklerump. He is Glorious. He is a warrior-poet unicorn with the heart and mind of a child. He is an awesome unicorn. Of this there is no doubt.

At 9:35 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

was it a shiney medal?

At 11:56 AM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

Goassamer Noblemane

At 12:44 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I am Hale-Bopp the Ribald Macaroni Salesman. An odd name for a unicorn, but then, I am an odd unicorn.

I know you don't want jag advice, but an empty banana peel glued to a sliding door works great.

At 12:59 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Have Kid Relish toss you off. I mean, if you want to see him shuck iron...

At 7:33 AM, Blogger Faceless Henchwoman said...

Henchunicorn the Faceless.


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