Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Fire Season

And so tonight Los Angeles burns.

Okay, the hills do anyway. Fiiiine, not all of them. Some of them though. Well, a few at any rate. Aw, what do you know, do you live here? Ah-ha, you don't do you?! I'm going back to my initial statement then.

And so tonight Los Angeles burns. You know, this seems like a good time to revisit something I once said. I'll be perfectly frank... I don't remember yesterday, much less March, but apparently I wrote the following. I hope you enjoy it. And please Los Angeles, let's stay safe out there.

From the archives: 3/30/05


Fire Season

Latigo Flint knows what must inevitably follow a near record breaking rainy season in Southern California--a near record breaking wildfire season in Southern California! And this has reminded Latigo Flint of another excellent way to be a hero: Saving Helena Bonham Carter from a wildfire is another excellent way to be a hero.

First, Helena Bonham Carter will need to be alone in a home in the hills that's surrounded by plenty of dry brush. Next a raging wildfire needs to sweep down the narrow canyon. You have to be passing by at the time and your keen, intelligent eyes must detect a car parked in such a way that it's likely to be the only vehicle at the residence.

At this point you should mutter, "Hmm, I'd better go investigate." softly to yourself.

Move swiftly to the house, keeping a wary eye on the approaching flames. Once inside you need to notice that something heavy has fallen on Helena Bonham Carter, pinning her and preventing escape. If this is not the case, and you discover she's completely mobile and is at that very moment heading calmly out the door, you must accept that you are no longer a hero. Offer to help carry her suitcase. (It is not appropriate to ask for an autograph at this time, remember, a raging wildfire is on its way.)

IMPORTANT: You are NOT allowed to topple something heavy onto Helena Bonham Carter in order to continue with a rescue. This makes you a psychopath, not a hero.

If your original suspicions are correct and Helena Bonham Carter is indeed pinned under something heavy, you must stride rapidly to it and heave it off her. Next, heroically sweep Helena Bonham Carter into your arms and run from the house, shielding her pale face from the scorching heat. (Don't worry she doesn't weigh much. If you're a scrawny weakling and are having difficulty running with Helena Bonham Carter in your arms, remember, the heroic scrawny weakling's best friend is the trusty piggyback - but don't ever call it a piggyback in the context of heroic rescues, call it the Fireman's Carry.)

It is a bonus if at this point Helena Bonham Carter's vehicle is completely engulfed in flames--or the fire is so near that your heroic snap decision is that it's too risky to try for it. Carry Helena Bonham Carter down the long, tree-lined driveway to safety. Hopefully a burning branch will fall on your exposed shoulder, searing it rather badly and making you a Wounded Hero, which is very high level of heroism. In fact, it's second only to Dead Hero.

Always appear modest and humble while accepting heartfelt thanks from Tim Burton and the entire Hollywood community. But be sure to turn down all grateful offers of small roles in major motion pictures. Hollywood hates outsiders, even heroic outsiders who just saved Helena Bonham Carter from a wildfire. These are nothing more than insincere, spur-of-the-moment, patronizing, publicity stunts, and by the time the movie actually starts shooting, you would be universally loathed by cast and crew.

(And for christsake, don't touch Helena Bonham Carter in any inappropriate places as you carry her down the driveway. That would irrevocably tarnish your hero-ness.)


At 9:39 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

helena bonham carter is a babe.

i'd rescue her from a fire any day.

i have a pink dress like the one she wears on fight club. i call it my "fight club dress" . . . cause i wish i was her sometimes.

At 10:10 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I thought you usually name the hero in epics like this. I guess you forgot: It obviously was Kid Relish. As we all know, he can do heavy lifting, or not.

At 11:03 AM, Blogger MJ said...

Um, yes I do Latigo! But not for much longer!!!!

This was a great post, for sure! You're forever my hero (as well as HBC's, I'm sure, should you ever get to rescue her) :-)

At 12:01 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

So... what are the benefits of rescuing Helena Bonham Carter if you aren't allowed in any movies and you can't grope her during the rescue? Other that having a great story about the time you rescued "that one chick from Fight Club". I guess that could be reward enough on its own, but a wounded hero deserves at least a TV-movie to be made in his honor.

At 1:17 PM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

During the Carter administration, I once saved Led Zeppelin's John Bonham from alcohol poisoning in a Helena MT Holiday Inn. A remarkable thing for a child of 8...although the only thing that had fallen on him was a 4 inch ash from a cigarette and some Cheetos.

At 6:04 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I'd let her burn. and throw something heavy onto her for good measure. then prance away singing "la la la, I killed Helena Bonham Carter, la la la".

At 8:23 PM, Blogger Peter said...

I once saved Helana Bonham Carter from a fate worse than death........... by not marrying her.

At 12:55 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I agree with you Tabitha Jane. Glad to hear it, follow my instructions and you'll do just fine. (Don't we all sometimes.)

I forget nothing Old Hoss... except when I drink. Um... oh never mind. This post, I'll have you know, was actually more of an instructional pamphlet than a true account.

Oh yeah MJ, I forgot one or two Los Angels read this. Well, play along, tell the rest of them it's all burning. (And thank you. May I always be a hero. It's a good thing to be I think.)

Hmm Trevor, thanks a lot for crapping all over everything. What about heroism goldangit?! Heroism is its own reward, and stuff. Oh god, maybe not... [Apathetic woe]

(Now look what you've done.)

Remarkable indeed Macek! Remarkable. That is most certainly worthy of being remarked upon. It's reversed, reads bottom to top, just like a Tim Burton script. Well done I say! Well done.

Well of course that's what you'd do Cindy-Lou, 'cause you are deliciously evil, and that sort of thing is exactly what deliciously evil people do.

I think most of us are with you in that boat Peter... well maybe not quite that far with the self loathing and whatnot, but we do recognize Tim probably makes her happier than we ever could.


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