Fire Season

And so tonight Los Angeles burns.

Okay, the hills do anyway. Fiiiine, not all of them. Some of them though. Well, a few at any rate. Aw, what do you know, do you live here? Ah-ha, you don't do you?! I'm going back to my initial statement then.

And so tonight Los Angeles burns. You know, this seems like a good time to revisit something I once said. I'll be perfectly frank... I don't remember yesterday, much less March, but apparently I wrote the following. I hope you enjoy it. And please Los Angeles, let's stay safe out there.

From the archives: 3/30/05

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Fire Season

Latigo Flint knows what must inevitably follow a near record breaking rainy season in Southern California--a near record breaking wildfire season in Southern California! And this has reminded Latigo Flint of another excellent way to be a hero: Saving Helena Bonham Carter from a wildfire is another excellent way to be a hero.

First, Helena Bonham Carter will need to be alone in a home in the hills that's surrounded by plenty of dry brush. Next a raging wildfire needs to sweep down the narrow canyon. You have to be passing by at the time and your keen, intelligent eyes must detect a car parked in such a way that it's likely to be the only vehicle at the residence.

At this point you should mutter, "Hmm, I'd better go investigate." softly to yourself.

Move swiftly to the house, keeping a wary eye on the approaching flames. Once inside you need to notice that something heavy has fallen on Helena Bonham Carter, pinning her and preventing escape. If this is not the case, and you discover she's completely mobile and is at that very moment heading calmly out the door, you must accept that you are no longer a hero. Offer to help carry her suitcase. (It is not appropriate to ask for an autograph at this time, remember, a raging wildfire is on its way.)

IMPORTANT: You are NOT allowed to topple something heavy onto Helena Bonham Carter in order to continue with a rescue. This makes you a psychopath, not a hero.

If your original suspicions are correct and Helena Bonham Carter is indeed pinned under something heavy, you must stride rapidly to it and heave it off her. Next, heroically sweep Helena Bonham Carter into your arms and run from the house, shielding her pale face from the scorching heat. (Don't worry she doesn't weigh much. If you're a scrawny weakling and are having difficulty running with Helena Bonham Carter in your arms, remember, the heroic scrawny weakling's best friend is the trusty piggyback - but don't ever call it a piggyback in the context of heroic rescues, call it the Fireman's Carry.)

It is a bonus if at this point Helena Bonham Carter's vehicle is completely engulfed in flames--or the fire is so near that your heroic snap decision is that it's too risky to try for it. Carry Helena Bonham Carter down the long, tree-lined driveway to safety. Hopefully a burning branch will fall on your exposed shoulder, searing it rather badly and making you a Wounded Hero, which is very high level of heroism. In fact, it's second only to Dead Hero.

Always appear modest and humble while accepting heartfelt thanks from Tim Burton and the entire Hollywood community. But be sure to turn down all grateful offers of small roles in major motion pictures. Hollywood hates outsiders, even heroic outsiders who just saved Helena Bonham Carter from a wildfire. These are nothing more than insincere, spur-of-the-moment, patronizing, publicity stunts, and by the time the movie actually starts shooting, you would be universally loathed by cast and crew.

(And for christsake, don't touch Helena Bonham Carter in any inappropriate places as you carry her down the driveway. That would irrevocably tarnish your hero-ness.)