Thursday, November 17, 2005

Relish and Flint's World Famous Bloodspillery

Most people are uncomfortable with the thought that they are going to bleed. They'd prefer not to ponder the fact that it doesn't matter how well they organize, how calmly and carefully they live their lives--they will bleed again; it's a mathematical certainty.

Obvious menstrual references aside, (and I'm serious, put them aside, they undercut the premise of this post you asshole) you will bleed again. It may be from your nose, it may be from your elbow. It may be the seeping, oozing crawl of an asphalt abrasion, or the sudden well and overflow of a deep puncture wound. Will it be today? Will it be tomorrow? Will it be two weeks from now during a family game of lawn darts?

Latigo Flint doesn't ever shy away from or try to deny such certainties. Latigo Flint embraces the fact that he will bleed again. Latigo Flint actually finds non-lethal amounts of spilled blood to be quite life affirming*. After all, you can't skin dead knees.

Kid Relish, my relatively trusty sidekick, thinks that we should open a Bloodspillery in our local strip mall where citizens can drop by for a randomly inflicted flesh wound.

Imagine the peace of mind and big-picture perspective that comes from knowing chances are, you've shed your blood for the day. And if you do happen to sustain a shallow red furrow down the length of your arm from that one sharp edge on the office copier, hey, at least it was nothing compared to that bamboo shiv to the calf you received this morning at Relish and Flint's World Famous Bloodspillery.

"In and out", Kid Relish says. "Only adds five minutes to your daily commute." For $3.95 you get a non-lethal wound, a band-aid and a brightly colored sticker. (I Bled Today. Did you?).

The Kid says we're franchising in two, three years, tops. And that's when the big money starts rolling in.

* Lethal amounts of spilled blood are actually quite life affirming as well... but in more of a "Yep, you had a life and in a sec you won't" sort of way.


At 1:20 AM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

Hey Latty, I fucking copyright "Bloodspillery". Goddamn circle around a "c" and then "all rights reserved" and shit!

At 6:36 AM, Blogger slarrow said...

Somehow it fails to surprise me that the Kid suggested a business venture that involves spilling others' blood.

Please, please don't ever take the Kid to Jersey, Latigo. Who knows what kinds of ideas he'd pick up there.

At 7:22 AM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

I'm actually more interested in a "Bruisery" Is that something you guys could provide?

And is scarring/non scarring an option?

At 8:05 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...


Pardon me. Now, I'm a fairly reasonable and accepting monkey. What you do behind closed doors is fine with me.

But what the hell is kid relish doing to that poor monkey in that photo? My cousin has quite an alarmed look on his face.

As for the "Bloodspillery", it would certainly fly in L.A. The celebrities will soon be lining up!

At 12:24 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

add house calls, please. i never leave my condo

At 1:24 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Can you guys do wounds that look like surgery scars, too?

At 3:36 PM, Blogger Peter said...

Looks like another winner Latigo.
By the way I didn't find Flint in any of the novels I checkedout BUT if my Dad hadn't changed his name to Holt I would have been named Flint too.

At 3:50 PM, Blogger Lackey said...

I actually had a family game of lawn darts when I was a boy.

My brother landed a good one, up to the hilt in my thigh. When my father pulled the thing out, there was no blood at all. It was a strange and eerie moment.

I'm not sure what the moral of this story is. Maybe I'm a dry husk of a human, maybe your example sucks ass.

At 5:46 PM, Blogger greta said...

I've always fancied a stapler wound to the armpit. Do you think you guys could manage this? Perhaps if I brought along my curriculum vitae you could attach this also. It'd be nice and handy for job interviews.
Once the bleeding subsides.

At 9:14 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I prefer leeching.

At 1:35 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Noted Kid.

Oh god, I know Slarrow--Kid Relish is so transparent sometimes. (Not to mention he'd probably return with lip sores and an accent.)

Lance, I'm actually pretty sure we could figure out a way to accommodate you there. Oh, and scarring/non scarring is NEVER an option!!! Try praying more during the healing process.

Oh my dear Monkeypotpie, I forgot you haven't always read this web log. The Kid's way must have come as quite a shock to you.

Gonna have to check with the lawyers on that one Ho.

We're probably gonna say "Yes, absolutely" Ghost Dog, and once you've paid just close our eyes, slash and/or stab, and hope for the best.

Googling: Flint Louis L’Amour, ought to solve the mystery Peter. And so you and I probably kin then, huh? (Can I borrow a couple grand?)

Well Lackey, my examples never suck ass, so I'm afraid all evidence must therefore point to you being a dry husk of a human... very sorry to hear it.

"Once the bleeding subsides." Greta, I have just decided to qualify every single statement I ever make from this point on with your magnificent line... that is to say, I'm going to qualify all my statements with that magnificent line once the bleeding subsides.

Cindy-Lou, I too prefer leaching... once the bleeding subsides.

At 8:26 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

You'll need good drainage!

You could call it "Lifesource."

You'll also need a good photographer. I know I'll want a frameable souvenier.

At 11:43 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I don't know, Kid. I think you'd have more luck with a pizzeria.

At 9:24 PM, Blogger Lackey said...

I thought that might be it, Latigo. It hurts to hear, but it feels true. No wonder I'm so slow on the draw: I'm a husk.

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

So, bad surgery scars, then. It'll do.


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