Sunday, November 13, 2005

Shootout in the Badlands

Latigo Flint realized something recently: When all our cell phones are GPS enabled, the immersive gaming possibilities are going to be endless. And Latigo Flint wants to get in on the ground floor of this potential multi-billion dollar industry.

See, here's the thing--Latigo Flint is the quickest quickdraw that ever lived. Latigo Flint can slap thigh and shuck iron so fast that nine-time Olympic gold sprinter, Carl Lewis, bonks his head and wets himself. Just like that. It doesn't matter where Carl Lewis is; whenever Latigo Flint slaps thigh and shucks iron, Carl just bonks his head into something and then wets himself. (It's actually a rather eerie phenomenon--especially for Carl.)

But sadly, being the world's fastest quickdraw doesn't pay like it used to. A hundred fifty years ago I would have been very successful--probably a living god. Today, not so much. The opportunities just aren't there anymore for a squinty-eyed six-gun slinger with hand-tooled holsters and a noble streak.

Which is why Latigo Flint is so excited about GPS enabled immersive gaming. At last, here's a real chance for me to combine my Old West skills and expertise with 21st century technology. Leveraging my unique assets if you will, (to use the corporate parlance) to build an empire.

So I'm very pleased to announce, coming soon to cellular phones everywhere:

Latigo Flint's Guns of Squinty-Eye Gulch, Shootout in the Badlands

That's a working title. Obviously Verizon and Cingular and Nokia and such are going to have some input.

Here's how it works: You select your character identity and affiliation using your cell phone menu--Gunslinger, Sheriff, Bandito, Town Smithy, School Marm, Stable Boy, Local Drunk, etc. etc. Then belt on your rubber band gun, making sure to stuff extra rubber bands in your pocket, especially if you're a Gunslinger or a Sheriff or a Bandito, then hit the streets. A map overlay appears on your cell phone's LCD screen showing your location, represented by a little red blip, and the location of all other players--color coded to represent their character affiliation.

And now you start shooting people with rubber bands. A hit on a Gunslinger, Sheriff or Bandito is worth ten points. Town Smithy and Stable Boy are worth two. You lose five points if you hit a School Marm. Local Drunks are worth half a point. etc. etc. And of course you lose points by getting hit.

Cell phone users who have chosen not to purchase Latigo Flint's Guns of Squinty-Eye Gulch, Shootout in the Badlands are considered townspeople. They show up on your screen as little gray blips. Townspeople are zeros, you do not gain or lose any points by hitting them with a rubber band. We do not advocate using these innocent bystanders as practice rounds to hone your skills, but obviously some players will anyway.

Latigo Flint's Guns of Squinty-Eye Gulch, Shootout in the Badlands is still in its early development phase. There are many nuances and intricacies to be figured out yet, and likely a few legal hurdles. But this will all be sorted out in short order.

Oh yeah, one more exciting twist: From Day One and every subsequent, Latigo Flint himself will be in the game--always on, always strapped and squinty. This is unprecedented. It'd be like plugging into Doom 3 online and finding none other than John Carmack roaming the drippy halls. Hitting Latigo Flint will be worth one thousand points. But that's a very, very dangerous trail to ride and players will find nothing but grief at its end.

See you in the streets and gulches my friends; see you in the streets and gulches.

15 Comments:

At 5:30 AM, Blogger Peter said...

One can only feel for Carl in his hour of dampness Latigo, there are probably many who tremble and shake, (or worse) at the mere mention of your name.
Are you going to invite Hoss into your pile makin' scheme?

 
At 7:17 AM, Blogger slarrow said...

I would purchase a cell phone just to play this game.

Currently I don't have a cell phone because I don't want people to reach me at any time. But for this game, and for my friend Latigo Flint, I would sacrifice this carefree existence.

Besides, then I would get to shoot people with rubber bands. Does entertainment get any more refined?

 
At 8:41 AM, Blogger Ari said...

I'm in. Do we get to think up our own monikers or do you sell the unparallelled ones you create as an accessory?

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

<-------Local Drunk

 
At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Westacular said...

How fast can you draw a cell phone?

 
At 2:31 PM, Blogger greta said...

Oh! Oh! I wanna play. Can I be 'harlot with heart of gold'?

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

You need to elaborate more. What if I ball up a bunch of rubberbands? Will that count as one hit or X, if X=the amount of rubber bands in the ball?

What about striking the head or genitals?

 
At 8:25 PM, Blogger fourth_fret said...

my love affair with cell phones lasted all of two weeks before i paid the extra fee to get out of my agreement early. but this idea... this could reignite the flame.

IN!

 
At 12:11 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I can dig it.

Best of luck pitching it to the cell phone guys.

I've been thinking about buying a Sidekick. If they're compatible with your idea, I'll get one for sure!

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

This is one of the finest and squintiest ideas I've ever heard, Latigo.

Since Ho has selfishly taken the town drunk character, I'd like to be The Professional Gambler or Confederate Army Deserter.

And I guess if those are taken I'll go with School Marm. But I want a huge rack.

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger Junkie70 said...

Count me in as well...but praytell, how many points will we get for shooting rubber bands at the protestors you're sure to have??

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger Gareth said...

Sure makes me glad I sunk all my savings into rubber-band making companies a few years ago. And to think they said I was crazy...

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I played this game as a child. Gee, if I had known how to be squinty-eyed back then, I woulda had a lot more victories. (Did you know I invented the double-clothespin shooter? And was the first to use red rubber inner tubes? I got a history, man.)

 
At 12:44 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Peter, Old Hoss shares friendship but never cash with me, I intend to do exactly the same.

It's just about as refined as it gets Slarrow, and is well worth the yearly contract and insidious overages.

Hmm, I hadn't considered that Ari... that right there is another cash flow ain't it? I like the way you think.

Noted Ho.

So fast Westacular, that the Verizon guy blanches and dies... that's how fast.

Greta, frankly I'd be crushed if you chose any other.

Too soon Steve, it's way too soon for keen eyes to fling open the blinds and expose my dream to the bright light of scrutiny. How 'bout you get to be Crazy Trapper With Facial Tics and Colorful Expressions and we call it square.

Splendid Fourth Fret. That'll be two hundred dollars please. (Without early adopters, the cost of new technology would never drop, you know.)

Thank you LBB. I'm thinking about a PowerPoint Presentation and also guns to the heads of their loved ones.

My god Monkeypotpie!!! How could I have forgotten Confederate Army Deserter?! I'm so ashamed. I'm giving you the first three years free if you agree to tell people that was actually mine.

We're actually going to kill the protesters Junkie. That's not part of the game but is pretty fun nonetheless.

Yeah Gareth but who's laughing manically now?! Buy their homes and turn them into bases for giant slingshots. You have my blessing.

And can't no one ever take that away from you neither Old Hoss.

 
At 4:57 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

All I wanna know is if this will get ported for the PSP at some point.

 

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