Friday, December 16, 2005

Elk, Nature's Perfect Killer

Latigo Flint knows there are plenty of reasons not to trust an elk. Elk are notorious tramplers and frequent gorers. Elk attack from ambush and have been known to eat human babies.

But what else would you expect from the closest living descendant of dragons.

Most people don't know that elk are directly descended from dragons. It's one of those facts that time seems to have swallowed, but get your Grandpa good and drunk and then ask him about elk, he'll likely tell you stories that'll make your blood run cold.

Many historians now agree that the lost colonists of Roanoke were probably devoured by elk.

Peter Benchley's first draft of Jaws was actually set in northern Montana and told of the relentless terror inflicted on a small logging community by a giant, man-eating elk. It was based on true events. It drove early readers insane with fear and Peter decided to revise it.

Elk have hunted Sasquatch to the brink of extinction. When Sasquatch is gone, who do you think is next?
(By the way, try not to ponder that for very long if you don't happen to be extraordinarily brave. p.s... It's us!!!)

The Lewis and Clark expedition was actually the twenty-seventh such overland expedition commissioned by President Thomas Jefferson. The previous twenty-six were all eaten by elk.

Recent advances in crime scene investigation techniques have shed new light on Los Angeles' infamous Black Dahlia murder of 1947. Elizabeth Short's mysterious assailant is now widely believed to have been an elk.

Today, public officials are quick to caution against blaming every single disappearance and unexplained murder on elk. Noting that while elk are the likely cause of 85% to 90% of all disappearances, investigators must be careful not to become so complacent that they fail to interrogate street performers and minorities.

(Most minorities used to be in the majority... but then too many of them were eaten by elk.)


At 1:32 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Also, it is Elk - not alligators - that roam the sewers of New York City. And they're more dangerous than anyone realizes. You don't hear about it because nobody figures anyone would believe it.

At 6:10 AM, Blogger Peter said...

The mysteries that are unfolded here!
we in Australia don't have Elk, nor are we aware of the visious nature of Elk, as ghost dog so accuratley put it nobody is gonna believe it!!!!

At 6:12 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

My grandpa didn't need any encouragement to get drunk and tell stories while I sat on his lap. And for some reason he always kept a roll of quarters in his pockets.

As for the Elk, well I'll heed your warning. I'm sure you also realize that Elks have cross-bred with humans: Elke Sommer, Steve Elkington, etc...

Very scary.

At 7:03 AM, Blogger slarrow said...

Poor Jon Benet Ramsey. And Jimmy Hoffa.

Elk. Who knew?

At 7:33 AM, Blogger Anonymous Shannon said...

Elk are also the evil masterminds behind the dot com bubble defaltion, the White House leak about a CIA agent, and the reason fewer and fewer children believe in Santa Clause. Those evil bastards probably killed Kenny too!

At 9:43 AM, Blogger SpyScribe said...

Damnit. I have to go revise my Without a Trace spec now.

At 10:44 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I ate elk chili once. It tasted great. Little did I know I was exacting revenge, too.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

Here in Canada, we've been in an open war with the Elk for years. This is why other countries think we are weak - cripplingly high elk populations.

At 11:44 AM, Blogger MJ said...

Oh, great. I bet Santa's behind some of this! Rudolph is actually half Elk -- that's why his nose is red (it's a genetic side effect of cross breeding).

At 4:22 PM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

Why do you think that I was so afraid growing up in the last frontier? Elk all over the place, and then there is their big brothers Moose, those guys are scary!!

At 4:34 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I don't know; give me an elk any day, rather than a moose. Moose are a lot hornier.

At 7:55 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

An elk killed my father. Sure, the doctors said it was cirrhosis but I knew it was elk. That's the only way I could explain the smell.

At 12:15 PM, Anonymous Westacular said...

You ... you don't suppose the elk and the buskers have some terrifying dark alliance, do you?

I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight.

At 4:22 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Weren't elk also rumored to be behind the Hindenburg disaster as well?

At 2:36 AM, Blogger Wulfenjarl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 2:38 AM, Blogger Wulfenjarl said...

Rumor has it that elk in fact are forming a coalition and learning to become lawyers. (They're not overly bright, but because they keep goring the instructors, they keep being advanced to the next course.)

That makes them, potentially, the deadliest force on earth.

But does the bloody liberal media cover any of this...? Nooo-oooo.

Vote "no" on elk prop E-571

At 4:01 PM, Blogger Rasmus said...

You, the rest of you guys not you Latigo, may not know this but it was actually an Elk that killed Muhammad Ali.

it was the only thing dangerous enough to do so. (It would've been a close call between even Latigo and Ali)

At 9:42 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Exactly right Ghost Dog. Our public officials suppress that information in the attempt to avoid mass-panic.

Peter, Elk are kinda like giant dingos with horns, and they also look a little bit like Satan in the right light.

Your Grandpa sounds like a real stand up guy Monkeypotpie. (Ugh, that's a real groaner, I'd like to take that back.)

I know Slarrow, I know. But the world isn't ready to know... some answers are worse than the mystery.

I'm not certain Elk are behind all of that Shannon. They aren't particularly cunning these elk, just killers--savage, perfect killers.

Hello Spyscribe. You do that, it's a guaranteed sale.

It probably wasn't really elk LBB. Elk are notorious for ramming branches into the skulls of Golden Retrievers dogs and letting the hunters believe they've downed an elk.

I feel your pain Trevor. Your magnificent country has stood for too long on the front lines of the great Elk/Human conflict of our time. You will be recognized for the heroes you are, I give my word as a Quickdraw.

Well yes MJ, that and the fact that he likes to nuzzle it around in the shattered chests of his human victims.

Moose aren't scary TSP, they're left/right indecisive with their giant antlers and usually just end up tickling their intended victims with their velvety ears. (Well, except for One Antler Moose, he's pretty scary.)

Are you callin' Latigo Flint a liar Old Hoss?!!!

I'm very sorry for your loss Amandarama. But you take care now, elk have been known to whisper into dying men's ears that they're going to finish his children too. Ooh those wretched elk--it's all out war as far as I'm concerned if they get you too.

Good lord Westacular... I just checked the photo archives and couldn't find one single picture with an elk and a street musician together in the same frame. You may have just made a very horrifying discovery.

No Ghost Dog, that was actually caused by a US military embargo on helium.

Indeed Wulf, indeed. But good god, you have to admire them for that--magnificent bastards, goring their instructors and passing classes by default.

Hey Rasmus, you're misinformed--Ali isn't dead!!! He's alive and well. (Okay, alive anyway.) And don't scare my heart like that.


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