Sunday, December 11, 2005

The Trouble with Drowning

The trouble with drowning is that it's a very difficult death to look sexy doing. Your eyes get all bulgy and you writhe and flail and claw around a lot at the end. Not sexy at all--not one bit.

It's a far cry from the good ol' fatal stab wound, which affords you the time to lie back and make wise observations to strangers, or give final declarations of love to sobbing sweethearts, or leave cryptic instructions for family members as you slowly bleed out and away. All of which are extremely sexy.

Now, the one exception is drowning in a deep pool of the blood of your enemies. That does happen to be quite sexy. But it's pretty rare, and that's an awful lot of enemies.


You know what's odd? I can't think of one thing that would be even slightly morally reprehensible about Hollywood starlets forming a side business in which they charge a moderate fee to visit lonely infirm men at the very end and hold them tenderly and brush the matted hair from their eyes as they die. Yet, you just know were such a company formed, the public outcry would be swift and deafeningly savage. But I honestly can't think of one good reason why it should be so, only that it would.

Jena Malone. That's who I'd pick. Why, if I had the money, I'd gladly spend upwards of several hundred thousand dollars to have young Hollywood starlet, Jena Malone, hold me tenderly and brush the matted hair from my eyes as I died.

(Diane Lane would be my second choice.)


At 11:27 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Either of those would do.

You know, you can get Liza Manelli for 75 bucks and a bottle of hooch, if you're on a budget.

At 6:15 AM, Blogger Peter said...

Halle Berry and/or Sandra Bulock for me Latigo, have you set any time limit on the dyin' I'm thinking maybe a couple of months sounds fair.

At 6:25 AM, Blogger Monkeypotpie said...

You know Latigo, if you practiced zen meditation you could remove yourself from the panic that sets in as you drown. You would appear peaceful and calm, and could even wave a sorrowful goodbye as you sank to the murky depths, leaving only your battered hat to rise to the surface. Very sexy.

As for the second part, I believe I'll have Keira Knightley, thank you.

At 11:54 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I guess that means Jena would have to be able to hold her breath under water longer than you can. I guess she probably could....

At 2:48 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I would make the same choice, Latigo. Between Donnie Darko and The United States of Leland, she's won my heart.

At 6:33 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

I think my choice would be Angelina Jolie with Gwen Stefani as my runner-up.

Dammit. I was promised there'd be no hard choices this evening.

At 8:40 PM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

No contest. For me it would have to be Sherilyn Fenn. If I can't have Sherilyn Fenn I don't want anyone one at all. dying alone sexy?

At 10:12 PM, Blogger Ari said...

I have to agree with Amanda, although I'd put Gwen first and Angelina second.

I think Angelina might just look haughtily at you, kick you hard in the gut with a spiked heel and walk away, despising your weakness, though.

At 3:25 AM, Blogger greta said...

Greta Scacchi for me. She shares my first name. She's been a bit quiet career-wise of late, so would probably be up for it.

Plus, she does get her baps out a fair bit.

At 1:32 PM, Blogger Rasmus said...

I think an even worse way to die would be being trapped on a burning boat, then jump out and drown.

And I'd pick Scarlett Johanson.

(I've been internetless for a while, but I've read every entry you've written since June during the last week. I hope you recall me)

At 1:45 PM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

Drowning beats anything with oozing sores. I mean, at least somebody might sadly brush your damp and tousled locks, even if you drowned. You can forget it if there's pus involved.

And put me down for a pair of Jessica Albas. Just in case.

At 3:00 PM, Blogger Anonymous Shannon said...

Funny blog! I loved it! I found your blogsite through Dave's Window.

I guess I would have to shoose Clive Owen. I think he would be okay to look at when I'm dying. :P

At 11:04 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

But LBB, I don't want Liza Minnelli to hold me and tenderly brush the matted hair from my eyes as I die, I want it to be Jena Malone... or Diane Lane.

Hmm, good question Peter--maybe Thursday, that's always seemed a nice day for it.

Okay, good point Monkeypotpie--that scenario you describe does seem rather sexy. But how much meditation are we talkin' about here? Will I be ready by Thursday?

Yeah, I reckon she probably could too Old Hoss.

She had me at For Love of the Game, Steve, she had me at For Love of the Game.

I'd like to think, Amandarama, that you might find lesbianism to be the easiest choice you've made in a long time.

Well then Noir Muse, Sherilyn Fenn you shall have... just as soon as I'm done stroking her purty, purty hair in the barn. (And yes, dying alone is just about as sexy as it gets--I was simply engaging in a thought exercise to examine the alternatives.

Indeed Ari--and that's no way to go out.

Howdy Greta... show-off. Scacchi's eyes creep me out, but I do like her baps, so I guess it all evens out in the end.

I agree Rasmus, and now I'm shuddering. And a very good choice if I may say. (Of course I remember you! The best friend from Denmark I've ever had. I feared you lost at sea.)

Well Lance, I agree with you on the pus. (Ebola is right out then.) But I'm afraid you vastly underestimate the horror and repulsion brought on by blotting, fish nibble marks and inappropriately lodged seaweed. (Noted. We'll get to cloning her straight away.)

Thank you Anonymous Shannon, but this journal is really more dangerous and savage and tragic than anything else. Good ol' Clive certainly wouldn't be my first choice, but different strokes I reckon.

At 3:56 PM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

I wouldn't be able to forget that she played a girl who forced her brother into having sex with her in "the dangerous lives of altar boys", personally.


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