Monday, November 29, 2004

Disaster on the Slopes

There is nothing more breathtaking than a gunslinger displaying his lightning fast quickdraw skills as he snowboards down a near vertical, double black diamond slope on a crisp autumn day... Provided he doesn't lose control halfway down and crash on his face so hard he has to be rushed to the hospital with a potentially life threatening case of nasally impacted snow.

The plan was an excellent one. Ludacris desperately needs a video for the first single on his upcoming album, The Red Light District, (the current video is so laughably bad it obviously isn't the real one) and what could be a better video subject than a snowboarding gunslinger. Ludacris would be all singing:

"Get back, you don't know me like that."
And the snowboarding gunslinger would be all cutting side to side, power snow spraying out in glorious curtains as he draws and fires his six guns.

"Get back, eek eek whoop de whoop whoop wooooo" (or whatever the hell the next lyric is)
The snowboarding gunslinger catches mighty air off a mogul, arms flung wide, guns twirling...

You get the picture - just an epic video. Simply magnificent. Many many awards for Mr. cris.

The trouble started a third of the way down when the saucer sled carrying the camcorder suddenly veered across Latigo Flint's path and the tether wrapped around his boot binding. Traveling over 40 miles an hour down an icy cliff is no time to have a tether wrap around your legs so Latigo Flint was in the process of unclipping it from himself and calling this a test run when the sled hit a giant bump, flew up in the air, and smashed into Latigo Flint's face. Dazed, Latigo Flint accidentally allowed his back of his board to face directly down the mountain. At speeds approaching obscene, Latigo Flint tore down the rest of the slope, crashed through two plastic barriers, a ski class of Japanese tourists, flew off his board when it hit a patch of gravel, landed nose first, and slid down the slushy hill towards the cafeteria.

The doctors told him that if he'd slid several feet more, the added accumulation of snow in his nasal passages would have killed him for sure. As it was, Latigo Flint had to spend the rest of the four-day weekend in the hospital... and they had to graft him new eyelids from a cadaver. And some bastard stole the saucer sled with the camera so Latigo Flint doesn't even have whatever footage survived.

Nothing to be thankful for this weekend, that's for dern sure. Hope yours was better.


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