Tuesday, March 15, 2005

A Good Way to be a Hero

(Latigo Flint has to ride fence for a day or two. In the meantime, here's an important one you may have missed. I think it's as true today as it was then.

From the archives - November 4, 2004.)

A Good Way to be a Hero

A good way to be a hero would be to be standing on a medium sized cliff admiring the view with a bunch of other people nearby, and to have school children taking a nature walk in the clearing below. Then you would need to have a mountain lion run out of the underbrush and attack one of the children, preferably a girl. The ranger, teachers and the other children need to run away in terror. If one of them stays and fights off the mountain lion then they'll be the hero and not you.

At this point you need to run and jump off the medium sized cliff aiming for a soft bushy tree, hopefully without too many pointy limbs.

Drop out of the tree and run up to the mountain lion. Beat it to death with something. Cover the injured child with your jacket and say soothing things to her until the authorities arrive.

It is a big bonus if the child is of a different ethnicity than you, it's more poignant that way. It's also very very good if someone nearby has a camera and has filmed the whole thing.

Lastly, be humble when you appear on national television programs. Say things like:
"Aww, anyone would have done the same."
and "Yeah, I was scared, terrified really, but, and this is going to sound very strange Oprah, but it's almost like the terrified part of me was watching someone else run up to that mountain lion... I can't explain it really, I'm just so glad that little girl is going to be okay."


At 8:15 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

At least you've discovered Blogger's archive option.

At 1:25 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

We anxiously await your return, Latigo.

At 5:44 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

You can milk the hero thng even further if you tame the beast instead of beating it to death.

After your newscast inverview snippet session, you get to murmur in lionspeak and coax the animal into a zoo cage.

Then you get to be a hero and you have access to a wild animal that will gladly help you kill a dolphin if the right confluence of events can be arranged.

Then you've got a half a screenplay, too.

At 11:21 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I did?

As do I LBB, thank you.

That is simply tremendous Bottle Rocket. I had to do the wide-eyed, lean back in chair, hands behind head, exhaling, thing for a minute or so. How many people in the world have ever really taken the time to visualize a mountain lion mauling a dolphin? Not many I'd wager. Whatever the number, it's plus one now. Powerful. That is a powerful image sir!

At 11:14 PM, Blogger okstatendn said...

It's of great assistance if the child is good looking as well.

At 1:00 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Very good point Okstatendn. I'm jotting that down right now.


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