Tuesday, March 08, 2005

The Diver

Latigo Flint's violent little friend, Kid Relish, is telling anyone who cares to listen (and plenty who would rather not) that the 2007 Oscar race is a foregone conclusion - all major awards will be swept by his epic action/adventure/romance motion picture, The Diver.

Kid Relish says his story is set against the glorious backdrop of the Tahitian Islands, and revolves around a stoic and charismatic Caucasian known only as The Brave One, ("Toru Maa Motua" in Tahitian.) Kid describes him as a man with a mysterious past who is also the island’s greatest pearl diver - the only one with the strength and courage to reach the oyster-rich depths of the Tapati Fepuare Demiseo. (The Underwater Canyon of Death.)

It has to be a dirty lie but Kid Relish claims Gwyneth Paltrow and Cate Blanchett have already signed on to play the roles of the Head Chief's twin daughters who find their idyllic existence and sisterly harmony shattered when they both fall madly in love with the mysterious, sexy, stoic and charismatic and possessing cut, ripply muscles and also enigmatic diver...

Friends, those are the adjectives Kid uses to describe the character, not mine, and I'm only using like, 25% of them here. No joke, I've seen the script, at the top of every page Kid Relish has written: "The Brave One's eyes are piercing and blue and also have a way of burning straight through to your soul if you're a woman, or also does what I've just written if you're a homo also."

Anyway, I've never seen the Kid like this before - passionate about something other than administering vicious beatdowns to random passersby. I tell you, this town does something to people after a while - Celluloid Fever, The 35mm Stare, something like that. Kid is actually taking an acting class because of course he plans to play The Brave One as well as direct.

(But just so you know, it wouldn't surprise Latigo Flint one bit if it's all an elaborate trick so Kid Relish can get access to movie stars and then viciously beat them down. Trust me, don't ever go into an audition room alone with Kid Relish. I don't care if you're small time and can't afford a posse yet, if Kid Relish wants to audition you, rent one!)


At 7:53 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

oh i am so going to sue the shit out of you latigo

At 12:16 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'm sensing a delicious sexual tension between Kid Relish and Latigo Flint.

At 12:49 AM, Blogger Rasmus said...

I think Kid Relish is secretly wanting you to play the lead role Latigo.
The way he describes those eyes sounds just like I see your squinty-eyes. You would naturally bring a little extra to the part what with scaring people while at that same time making them fall head over heels in love with you. Perfect squinty-eyes,the Latigo Flint way.

At 10:25 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

kid r. is kinda litigous.

At 11:37 AM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

I don't think Kid has seen a mirror in about seventeen years. No way could you play this part as written, Kid. Do the math!

At 10:00 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

How very Hollywood of you Kid.

I have no idea what you're talking about good sir LBB. And I'll thank you to keep your fantasies to yourself!

Now that, Rasmus, is a distinct possibility. I think Kid does secretly admire Latigo Flint.

Ho, the best part is that the Kid has absolutely no idea what litigious means. I told him it meant "dangerous and violent in a real renegade sort of way." And now he says even though he still doesn't like bloggers, you're pretty damn cool, and also observant and cool also. (Hey, that's how he phrased it.)

My God D.Mor, you've got a wife to think about... why on Earth would you intentionally bait the Kid in this manner. Haven't I made his psychopathic tendencies perfectly clear?


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