Saturday, June 11, 2005

Rocky Shallows and Survivable Falls

If girls don't scream and hide their face against their boyfriend's shoulder when you hit the water, then you obviously haven't fallen from a sufficient height.

It is not our intention to steal girls away from their boyfriends. All we really want to do is stoically stagger broken and bleeding across rocky shallows and forever implant that shard of doubt in her mind - the sneaking suspicion that the man she has chosen could never be so tough as to swim to shore unassisted through roiling rapids after plummeting from a crippling height.

We don't want the fall to be the result of our own stupidity or ill luck, but rather the result of some incredibly heroic choice - the saving of a child's life, knowing full well the personally disastrous consequence, or what-have-you.

We are: The Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers Who Were Born Much Too Late and Aren't Legally Allowed to Shoot Very Many People Even if They Deserve it and Whose Thoughts Have Recently Turned to How Tough and Sexy it Would be to Stagger Broken and Bleeding Across Rocky Shallows Society.

Our Organization may actually only have one member. There is a distinct possibility his name is Latigo Flint.

We want to manage to grin sardonically at searing pain. We want to be extraordinary. We want never to be forgotten.

We want some of those female white-water rafting guides to be there to witness our heroism - the lean, tawny ones with sunscreen on their noses who wear cutoff jeans over one-piece swimsuits.

We know we could bear stitches unanesthetized. We'd relish the chance to prove it.

(And we wouldn't mind a blow-job either.)


At 8:48 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Is no sacrifice too great/too small for Latigo the Magnificent?

You are probably the only man alive who could go over the falls and keep your blood-stained powder dry. You easily deserve a 1-gun salute.

At 9:42 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

I think those are some remarkable goals you've set for yourself there, Latigo. I raise to you a frosty beverage.

Although, I do think that female white water rafting guides are up there with cute Starbucks waitrons in terms of "difficult to impress". But, I'm sure you're up to the challenge.

At 1:16 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

Do you need any assistance with S.E.G.W.W.B.M.T.L.A.A.L.A.T.S.V.M.P.E.I.T.D.I.A.W.T.H.R.T.T.H.T.A.S.I.W.B.T.S.B.A.B.A.R.S.S.? Maybe I could be your secretary or treasurer. But I'd sure hate to have to write that name very often, could I get a stamp or something?

At 4:24 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i wonder if lapel pins would help spread the club's good name. lapel pins and people to wear them. if you find them, please also sell them a Ho children love them.

At 11:05 PM, Blogger Kilroy Trout said...

If you stagger broken and bleeding across rocky shallows and no one is there to witness it, is it still sexy or even manifest? This is, my gun slinging friend, a problem of quantum mechanics.

At 12:20 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

Props to cindy-lou for the acronym from hell.

If you really want to be remembered and legitimized, your organization has to kidnap Patty Hurst. Trust me.

At 4:56 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

darth, I thought she was killed by Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner...?

At 11:52 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Old Hoss... No, I believe not. And I stand proudly in the shadow of your salute.

Thank you Amandarama. Fitting are these goals for I am, in fact, a most remarkable man. You are right of course - those female white water rafting guides with sunscreen on their noses and cutoff jeans over one piece swimsuits are as, if not more difficult to impress than cute Starbucks cashiers. I'll keep you posted.

Quite honestly Cindy-Lou, I need all the help I can get. I shall whittle you a stamp.

Your children are adorable Ho. I'm not entirely sure why you'd ever want to sell them. Wait, perhaps I don't fully understand your comment. Give me a minute, beer always improves my reading comprehension.

Mercy Kilroy, I try not to discuss Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle until at least Wednesday. You bring up a very good point though. The answer is this: It is still of course just as sexy - but it's also a huge bummer, because what's the point of being sexy if no one is there to witness it!

Does Patty have a daughter D.Mor? Decades ago I could see the kidnaperly appeal - these days though...

Eek Ghost Dog! Did you just invoke the name that mustn't be mentioned?! Now you shall be forever stalked by Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner. (Oh for the love of---Look what you've made me do. Now I'M going to be forever stalked by Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner.)

At 12:36 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Sign me up, if the entry fee is reasonable.


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