Tensile Strength

Latigo Flint strongly believes that we as a nation have lost sight of the very things that helped build our country and make it great. Like rope! The early American women and men would proudly hold a length of rope in their hands and say: "Oh hells yes! I'm getting stuff done today. Things shall be fastened and held tight this fine morn."

They would talk to their rope. "Rope," they'd say, "Rope, you and I are going to the wagon now and we shall lash tight the provisions." They would imagine that they could hear the rope's cheerful reply. "Good hard working American, I would love to help you lash tight your provisions. And if you need something with which to hold fast your draft animal to the yoke, I'd be happy to render my services in that capacity as well." (Apparently rope was very well spoken 150 years ago.)

Latigo Flint's great and mighty plan this weekend was to build a working laptop computer entirely out of rope. A working laptop computer built entirely out of rope would be extremely symbolic. It would be a complex, multi-layered metaphor. It would be statement art and very kick-ass and also rad, as the kids today would say.

I expected to have my rope laptop computer constructed and working by mid afternoon on Saturday and the plan was to take it to my local shopping mall and proudly display for all to behold.

But Sunday evening found me still locked away in my apartment - drunk and naked, hurling vicious oaths at a giant smoldering mound of fibrous strands. I chose then to switch to a secondary plan: Run screaming through the streets of Burbank, heaving buckets of yarn at people and shoving pages from an Eddie Bauer catalog in their face.

At some point I decided to attack the bungee cords on the side of a passing truck. I don't remember too much after that - just something having to do with a freeway onramp, head trauma and abrasions on every inch of my body including my genitals.