Monday, June 13, 2005

Tensile Strength

Latigo Flint strongly believes that we as a nation have lost sight of the very things that helped build our country and make it great. Like rope! The early American women and men would proudly hold a length of rope in their hands and say: "Oh hells yes! I'm getting stuff done today. Things shall be fastened and held tight this fine morn."

They would talk to their rope. "Rope," they'd say, "Rope, you and I are going to the wagon now and we shall lash tight the provisions." They would imagine that they could hear the rope's cheerful reply. "Good hard working American, I would love to help you lash tight your provisions. And if you need something with which to hold fast your draft animal to the yoke, I'd be happy to render my services in that capacity as well." (Apparently rope was very well spoken 150 years ago.)

Latigo Flint's great and mighty plan this weekend was to build a working laptop computer entirely out of rope. A working laptop computer built entirely out of rope would be extremely symbolic. It would be a complex, multi-layered metaphor. It would be statement art and very kick-ass and also rad, as the kids today would say.

I expected to have my rope laptop computer constructed and working by mid afternoon on Saturday and the plan was to take it to my local shopping mall and proudly display for all to behold.

But Sunday evening found me still locked away in my apartment - drunk and naked, hurling vicious oaths at a giant smoldering mound of fibrous strands. I chose then to switch to a secondary plan: Run screaming through the streets of Burbank, heaving buckets of yarn at people and shoving pages from an Eddie Bauer catalog in their face.

At some point I decided to attack the bungee cords on the side of a passing truck. I don't remember too much after that - just something having to do with a freeway onramp, head trauma and abrasions on every inch of my body including my genitals.


At 12:34 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

One time I fashioned a scientific calculator from hemp.

At 6:32 AM, Blogger Ithiel said...

Was it, in fact, hemp rope you were using? Perhaps your downfall lay there. As any good D&D'er can tell you silk rope is superior to hemp in every manner. Or, perhaps nylon rope would have done you right. Keep at it, Latigo. Don't let crippling pain from a full body abrasion stop you from fulfilling your goals.

Besides once you have completed your rope laptop and are surfing the internet on the WiFi network at Starbucks, you'll have a cool scar to show the cashiers. Tell them you got it whilst skateboarding.

At 7:04 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

One of my favorite pasttimes is to demonstrate to anyone that will watch that it is entirely possible using only one hand, to effectively piss up a rope. I guess I have been told to do it so often I felt I had to step up.

At 9:37 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

poor latigo . . .
out of curiosity, how did you plan to fashion the keyboard using rope? i can't quite visualize it.

At 11:16 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

the parallel of rope and bungee cords sets my mind at unease.

At 11:57 AM, Anonymous roundelay said...

This is a very keen observation you have made. Although I have never before stopped to ponder the subject, I must agree that there are few things more satisfying than tightly lashing things with rope.

However, from a personal perspective, nothing pisses a girl off more than BAD rope. You know, the kind that is unflexible and doesn't tie sufficiently tight knots. Perhaps this is what kept you from creating a successful laptop. Keep trying with different kinds of rope, because making a rope laptop will definitely make you cooler than MacGyver. And that will make all the women swoon-y.

At 2:12 PM, Blogger katiedid said...

Sadly, rope can act very stubbornly when it wants to, and it simply can't be reasoned with. I applaud you for making the effort, though.

At 1:05 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Did you save the blueprints LBB? I could use a bit of guidance at this point.

This is very good information you are giving me Ithiel. I'm writing detailed notes in my TrapperKeeper this very moment.

And Good Lord how I respect you for that Dave!

Don't cry for me Tabithena, the truth is I never left you... (Um, actually please strike that from the record. I never typed that. I don't even know what song that's similar to... Okay, now I'm going to watch some NFL films tapes and drink myself male again.)

Mercy Ho! I know exactly what you mean. I'm beginning to dread-shuffle even as we speak.

Thank you Roundelay. You get me - you really understand. I think you should start an online correspondence course that teaches girls how to truly understand me so that they'll let me have sex with them. That would be awesome.

Stupid rope! I know Katiedid, I mean, seriously, what the hell is rope's problem?! Rope has totally forgotten that there's no "i" in rope.


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