Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The Mountain Branch of the Santa Fe Trail

Latigo Flint's local chain restaurant & brewery has just instituted a policy that limits the number of drink straws a table can request to three per person.

They claim it's simply one of a number of environmentally friendly initiatives recently mandated by the corporate office but Latigo Flint suspects a hidden agenda -- for you see, it is impossible to create a 1/8400th scale diorama of covered wagons traversing the Spanish Peaks Mountain Branch of the Santa Fe Trail with drink menus and salt shakers if you don't have at least three hundred and eighty-four straws.

A cute, off-duty waitress (sorry, "Server") was kind enough to confirm Latigo Flint's suspicions. Of course, I guess she sorta had to -- Latigo Flint is in there almost every night and he routinely tips 72%. That Scion payment isn't going to earn itself!

I paced the parking lot and hurled intense squinty-eyed glares in the direction of the restaurant & brewery while she fiddled nervously with her car antenna.

I stopped pacing and rubbed my temple with a trembling fist. "You all are in the service industry right?!"

She glanced at her cell phone for the eighth time that minute. "Well... yes."

"And as such are tasked with ensuring the patron is happy?"

"Um, I guess."

I had her; she'd fallen right into my logic trap! "Well dern it, building scale dioramas that depict covered wagons traversing the Spanish Peaks Mountain Branch of the Santa Fe Trail with salt shakers, drink menus and straws is just about the only thing that brings me even a sliver of joy these days."

She frowned slightly. "But people slip on your covered wagons on their way to the restroom."

I lowered my chin and cast her a dangerous squint. "No one said the overland trail was easy. Anything truly worth having must also be worth dying for."

She mulled this over for a moment then replied. "Well okay... but no one can order alcoholic beverages if you're using all the drink menus to build miniature covered wagons."

Her words staggered me and I dropped to a knee. I contemplated pavement as my shoulders heaved.

"My God. What have I done?"
I slowly stared back up at the cute off-duty waitress, bitter tears of remorse speckling my sexy eyes. She was crouched frozen in the doorway of her Toyota Scion, her face divided - equal parts terror and lust.

I blinked and gave her a slight, sad smile. "I'm Latigo Flint."

"I know you are."




At 5:23 AM, Anonymous tmc said...

That moment of realization that you had unknowingly impeded another man's ability to order alcohol.....I can only imagine the burden of guilt you must feel.

At 7:45 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Don't let that guilt manifest itself in dangerous ways, Latigo. Be vigilant to see the warning signs... such as throwing yourself at stucco walls and jumping off cliffs.

At 9:43 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I KNEW she was gonna out-logic you if you let her live. Shoulda shot her first, asked questions later after making damn sure she's dead.

At 9:56 AM, Blogger roundelay said...

Wow, I think she totally wants you! She neither ran away screaming or kicked you in delicate places. I'd say that's a promising sign.

At 11:19 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

best. date. ever.

At 11:33 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Dang, that'll learn ya.

At 12:30 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

It staggered me TMC. Something deep within died forever.

--uh-oh Dave. I mean, like, UH...OH!!! (Know what I'm sayin'?)

Hey Old Hoss, a little faith por favor!!! I'd be fine with "I was worried she'd out-logic you..." or "I had a sneaking suspicion she might ultimately out-logic you..." but "I KNEW she was gonna out-logic you..." Yes it proved accurate but it's still dern impolite of you to say.

THIS is very true roundelay. If you know me, (and I suspect you do) you know that an encounter with the opposite sex could have gone much, much worse that this one seems to have.

It didn't have a Happy Ending though Ho.

No Ghost Dog... that's the sad part, it probably won't.

At 12:09 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

it did because you didn't marry her.

At 12:27 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Is it pronounced "SKY-On," or "Sigh-on?"

Whichever, it's a pretty gay name for a car.

At 11:41 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Oh yes Ho, of course.

Second one LBB.

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