Wednesday, July 20, 2005

What Evil Lurks in the Heat Shimmers

The shoppers returning to their vehicles needed to be made aware of the fact that one of the parking meters was pure evil and enjoyed bonking knees.

This is how it came to pass that today found Latigo Flint standing squinty-eyed and stoic near the entrance of that public parking lot that's behind the local shopping plaza as the mid-day sun tried its dernest to liquefy the blacktop coating. I think the sun knew deep down that its chances of actually liquefying the blacktop were slim. It took some comfort in its ability to liquefy the back of my leather vest.

Another shopper hurried around the corner dragging parcels.

"Hold up there please." I said, and my outstretched palm confirmed it. "Ma'am, I must warn you that one of the parking meters in this lot is pure evil and it derives sadistic pleasure from bonking knees."

She glanced around trying to find the hidden camera while I desperately tried to avoid staring at her white blouse made translucent by perspiration.

We both failed.

She decided to keep on walking.

"Ma'am I implore you - let me escort you to your vehicle. It is not safe in this parking lot, for as I said, one of the meters has gone completely rogue and routinely bonks unwary knees."

I could hear her inner oaths. People need to learn how to not think quite so loud. Her tone was chilly when she finally spoke. "And exactly which one of these meters do you think is evil?"

I shook my head sadly and scuffed the ground. "That's the trouble Ma'am - he's a shifty bastard and a master of disguise. It's probably best that you just let me escort you. If he's currently the one lurking in front of your vehicle I'll be able to spot him before he attacks and bonks your knee."

She started to decline but the urgency in my eyes must have caused her to reconsider.

But then moments later she flagged down a passing police officer and I got to experience thumb printing and a holding cell... again.

At least the stations have central air.


At 7:59 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Even sinister meters lack opposing thumbs. In the future, get a grocery bag and tie it over the top. Watch it try to wriggle out of that one.

At 8:04 AM, Blogger Ectoplasm said...

Latigo you are like a Buddah with six guns. If strangers fail to see your wisdom, then it is their loss.

At 8:34 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

what can i say? she had her chance for your protection . . . her loss.

At 8:54 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

They didn't need all the cops to give you the 3rd Degree did they? Didn't they at least put one out in the field to hunt down the knee-bonker? (And did the knee-bonker turn out to be a friend of Tonya Harding?)

At 9:30 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

It is seldom possible to adequately describe the deep, sadistic evil that lurks inside the parking meter.

I predict this woman will be found someday, maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday... with bruised knees, lying bloodied in the gutter near her car. And she will know. Oh, she will know.

At 12:08 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i am happy about your increased writing pattern. that is all.

At 12:09 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I swear, Latigo, your arrest sheet must read like a Worldbook.

At 12:25 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Well, she did indirectly afford you the comfort of air-conditioning on what sounds to be a rather sweltering day. I'm sure your leather vest thanks her.

At 4:39 PM, Blogger ThePaula said...

Oh Latigo, how ever shall I dare drive my car again without your steady hands to protect me from dreaded parking meters? How ever will I find the courage to face those contraptions of metal, glass, and evil without your wind-wizened brow to gaze upon? Tell me this, my good Mr. Flint, and tell me how a young girl like me is supposed to go on!

At 5:25 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I don't know why but I like the visual of you shaking your head sadly and scuffing the ground.

At 11:40 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Yes Steve, opposable thumbs it does lack, but this particular parking meter is capable of a most powerful whip-like arc. I fear it would discard that grocery bag in seconds.

Ectoplasm, that has just become one of my all time favorite descriptions of me. It is so going on the back cover of my biography, if you'll be so kind as to let them quote you.

There is little else to say Tabitha Jane. You've hit bedrock so to speak.

No man feels comfortable questioning Latigo Flint alone for very long Old Hoss. They brought in girl scouts to do the job and left their lives hanging on my sense of honor and decency. (I finally ended up admitting that Orlando Bloom is "hunky".)

It is a violation of the Hero Code for me to wish for this Dave... but it sure would serve her right.

You happy makes me happy Ho. But it is taking a severe toll. My mind twitches and shudders when it should be resting.

Welcome back LBB. I'm glad to read that your vacation brought you joy. (And yes, yes it does.)

That's thinking positively Ghost Dog, thank you. While in holding, a 'banger tried to take said leather vest from me and I had to maim him.

Paula, I recommend you walk to Los Angeles and let me train you in the ancient Old West arts of self-defense. (Walking from GA to CA is actually the first lesson but that won't be clear for a number of years. What seems to be inappropriate touching on the part of the teacher... is actually just that.)

Then you should be very glad to hear that my thumbs were also hooked in my back belt loops at the time Cindy-Lou.


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