Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Latigo Flint - Public Speaker

"Howdy little buckaroos! Life got you down? Nobody cares about you? It's all starting to feel just a little bit pointless? You been having those dark, slippery thoughts again haven't you? You been starting to think about how much better it would all be if you were dead.

Well no problem!!! Go right on ahead and do it... after you scalp yourself that is. That's right cherubs, you heard me: Suicide yayyy!!! Be our guest, you've got everyone's blessing... right after you scalp yourself.

Oh it's easy you pale little whiners. Knife edge to hairline, grasp a clump of hair, slice, tug, peel, repeat. When you're staring at the oozing underside of your own cranial flesh you're done. Congratulations, you must really mean it. You now have our full permission to jump, chug the pills, topple the chair, step into the electrified tub - whatever you want. Mommy's proud of you, Daddy's proud, Latigo Flint is proud and you should be too. Nothing in this life is easy, including ending it. You had the gumption, the grit, the determination and the rarrin' to see it through. You've proved your unflinching desire to explore that one great mystery, now have a wonderful time, you've earned it."

(Is what Latigo Flint wished he'd said today when his community service plea bargain required him to speak at a local high school assembly. Instead Latigo Flint squinted at his scribbled notes on the hazards of drinking and driving unattended road graders while the little bastards threw snack-pack custards and batteries at him.)


At 9:40 PM, Blogger Noir Muse said...

Oh but the things we think of to say after the occasion to say them has past. But cheer up, Mr. Latigo, the next time you face a mob of adolescents in an auditorium you’ll be ready.

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Test those batteries. They're expensive you know.

At 10:40 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

Latigo needs to take the advice from his notes and imbibe a little less moonshine, methinks.

At 9:54 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Glad to know an insightful man like LF is charged with molding young minds.


Post a Comment

<< Home