Wednesday, February 16, 2005

So They're Blades, and They Roll?

It recently occurred to Latigo Flint that one of these days he could be called out by some upstart quickdraw looking to make a name for himself - and as the challenger, it would be well within the rights of the little punk to stipulate that the combatants wear rollerblades.

Latigo Flint is the quickest quickdraw the world has ever known. He can slap thigh and shuck iron so fast that Aaron Copland would be inspired to compose again... from beyond the frickin' grave.

But Latigo Flint does not rollerblade. It had never even crossed Latigo Flint's mind to touch a rollerblade, much less strap it to his foot. And this is a potential weakness - Latigo Flint recognizes this with grim clarity. The quickdraw of yesteryear, beyond his prodigious skill with a firearm, needed only to ensure he possessed the supplementary skills of walking, running, crouching, squinting, horseback riding, spitting indifferently and moseying. We live in a very different era now - an era in which the specter of gunfight failure demands I learn to rollerblade.

The events that transpired between this realization yesterday, and my wheelchair assisted release tonight from the local emergency room are much too depressing and pathetic for Latigo Flint to attempt to relate - even to you. And besides I have next to no memory of them, especially anything after sliding into that intersection.

As far as the hospital, I do faintly recall, while in a morphine induced stupor, screaming at a nurse:
"I don't think you understand the lengths I'm prepared to go to see you naked." I'm pretty sure she struck me at some point. I may have struck back. Frantic intercom calls were made. I think my abdominal stitches came undone. Things were beeping. There was beeping everywhere, beeping and running and shouting... spent cartridges falling to the floor...

I'm sorry. I must rest now.


At 9:17 AM, Blogger Kilroy Trout said...

I spewed hot coffee while reading this post which terrified my five year old son. You'll be hearing from my lawyer, Latigo Flint.

At 9:38 AM, Anonymous Spud King said...

I am shocked and dismayed by the refusal of the nurse to get nekkid for you! Has she know idea who Latigo Flint is? Is she living in a refrigerator box in an industrial zone alley in West Covina?

At 10:51 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I never realized a gunslinger extraordinaire had to go to such lengths to stay current in his craft.

During your recovery, perhaps you'll luck out and a parapalegiac will challenge you do a duel. At least you'll be used to the wheelchair.

At 2:23 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

Sweet, sweet line for a nurse. I know because I've used it myself.

At 2:30 PM, Blogger Rasmus said...

You don't need rollerblades.
Surely you could slap thigh and shot the other gunslinger's rollerblades to bits before he could even think about rolling?

At 3:31 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Your son is already a lawyer? And at five years of age no less. No doubt a credit to you Kilroy.

Indeed Spud King. Indeed!

LBB, you are so right. Thank you for showing me this silver lining. You have cheered me right up.

I know you have Ho. I know you have. And more than once I'd wager.

"Combatants" my fine Danish friend. The little punk could stipulate that both of us wear rollerblades. Good as I am, and I am the best, it's tough to do any more than groan weakly when your legs suddenly zip skyward and you skull-bounce into an intersection.

At 2:01 AM, Blogger greg said...

Wow, this "gunslinger" gig is a lot more dangerous than I thought. I guess I'll stick to working at Starbucks.

At 2:18 PM, Blogger Velvet Marauder said...

Latigo Flint, you truly have mad skills. Your blog is awesome.

At 6:59 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

My one and only attempt at rollerblading was after 11 shots of tequila. Even that didn't land me in the ER. You have mad rollerblading skillz.

At 8:43 PM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

Can't say I've ever tryed rollerbladeing, I strapped a pair squirrls to my feet once though, and if rollerbladeing is anything like that,then I definately feel your pain.

At 9:39 PM, Anonymous Iconoclast Zach said...

I'm something of a duelist (swordsman) myself, and I live in fear of someone declaring roller blades as their weapon of choice. Or declaring them as the location for our swordfight.

Not only can I not rollerblade, I doubt I could find a second who wouldn't head downhill at the first sign of gravity.


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