Thursday, March 03, 2005

If Latigo Flint Had Been There

If Latigo Flint had been there, Watership Down would have been a much shorter book. It is also highly unlikely the New York Times would have described it as: "a remarkable tale of exile and survival, of heroism and leadership..."

The little rabbit, Fiver, would have been all twitchy and weird, not wanting to eat, overwrought with his dark premonition. Hazel would been all trying to consol him and then starting to realize that perhaps his unusual little brother was right, and they should leave their doomed home immediately and build themselves a new life, a free life somewhere beyond the deadly reach of man and beast. The brave little band of rabbits would have assembled themselves on the outskirts of the warren, mentally preparing to strike out alone into the dangerous unknown.

A whisper of buckskin on willow leaves perks only the sharpest set of ears, but before alarm can be sounded, Latigo Flint is standing before them, squinty-eyed and ominous in the English country dusk.

"Howdy my fine little tuft-tailed buckaroos!" His low, cold voice sends shivers down their twitchy little spines. "Pretty British gals are silly for American Gunslingers, or so I've been told. That's what brought me across the pond a week ago tomorrow." His two low-slung revolvers are not automobile headlights, but their paralyzing effect upon the terrified rabbits is no different. "But as sexually attracted to me as the pretty British gals have been so far, I can't help but think they'll feel it two-fold once they've attended the good old fashioned hoedown and rabbit cookout party that I'm throwing tonight."

Latigo Flint's words hang in the air above them like a thousand lucky keychains dripping blood. Fiver's squeak of terror is instantly drowned out by thundering revolvers. Into burlap bag go Hazel, Fiver, Dandelion, Blackberry, Bigwig and the rest. They find their new home all right - and its name is stew-pot.

The End

8 Comments:

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Rasmus said...

Latigo (Mind if I call you Latigo?), at some point, when I have a script that's really bugging me, I'll be wise enough to ask your advice.

 
At 12:46 AM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

Damn Latigo, I'll bet you'd make Bambi a really really short movie.

 
At 4:40 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

But what about Keehar coming from behind?

 
At 9:02 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Latigo Flint is a regular poster boy for PETA.

 
At 10:25 AM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

Unfortunately it's a "Wanted" poster. It's ironic that PETA would put a dead or alive price on someone, isn't it?

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Sounds good Ras - just remember, when in doubt... Lesbian scene!

You know me well Grublygold.

That is a damn near perfect comment Ho. Obscure yet highly topical - open to homoerotic interpretation if the reader so desires.
(I think I saved Kehaar from drowning in the LA river a couple of weeks back.)

Latigo Flint and PETA have something of a hate/hate relationship going on these days.

Yes it is.

 
At 11:17 PM, Blogger Kilroy Trout said...

This post made me hungry or horny - I'm not sure which.

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I hear rabbit's a little tough.

 

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