Wednesday, March 02, 2005

New Year's Resolutions: Update Part 1

One of Latigo Flint's dear old friends, a gentleman known as the Lightning Bug's Butt, recently inquired as to how Latigo Flint's New Year's Resolutions were going.

Thank you for asking LBB. Unlike many people in the world, Latigo Flint continues to actively pursue his resolutions with squinty-eyed intensity and grim determination.

At the 1/6th-of-the-year checkpoint, here's where Latigo Flint stands on the first 6 of his 15 New Year's Resolutions:

1) Break the sound barrier with a quickdraw.


(Okay, technically the speed of sound depends on the type of medium through which it travels and the temperature of that medium. Generally when one says "speed of sound" it is accepted to mean the speed of sound through air on an average day at sea-level, which would be approximately 1100 feet per second, meaning Latigo Flint would need to reach for & draw his gun in .0027 seconds.

However Latigo Flint actually meant the speed of sound through a giant vat of pudding, for a much more manageable .0835 seconds.)

2) Perfect squinty-eyes.

This one is a little subjective. How exactly do you define perfect squinty-eyes? I'll tell you this much, just last week alone Latigo Flint used a hearty helping of piercing squinty-eye to successfully stop, dead in their tracks: An enraged lesbian, a surly-drunk construction worker, two vicious college football player types and a shrilly complaining Jewish grandmother. If that isn't perfect squinty-eyes I don't know what is.

Let's consider this one ACHIEVED as well.

3) Convince Scarlett Johansson to remove the restraining order.

I actually just violated it by typing that... so we'll call #3: IN PROGRESS!

4) Don't let the May 14, 2004 unpleasant name calling incident outside the local high school deter self from incorporating chaps into daily wardrobe.

ACHIEVED! And in glorious fashion I might add.

(And thank God for whoever invented multiple definitions for words, forever giving clever people one more way to show it... see 'cause "glorious fash-")

Moving on.

5) Lasso things more.

So far so good - I'm currently averaging 17 things lassoed a day and climbing. (Current favorite target: obnoxious spoilers on shitty cars.)
So: ACHIEVED, provided I maintain/increase current levels of lasso frequency... which I will.

6) Stride away toward the setting sun as people stare in awe and say "I don't know who he was but damn, we'll never forget him or what he's done for this town."

Disappointingly, this one continues to elude me. Closest I've come so far is: "Hey asshole, I don't know why you're back in my restaurant, but I haven't forgotten what you did last time and my son's in the office calling the cops right now." Still ten months to go. I remain highly optimistic, so: IN PROGRESS!

And there you have it on the first six. Four Achieveds and two In Progresses. Not too shabby if Latigo Flint does say so himself.

As a postscript, Latigo Flint's friend Kid Relish had only two New Year's Resolutions. Stop randomly throwing scorpions at people, and stop staring at himself in the mirror, reciting Michael Caine's "Good night you princes of Maine, you kings of New England" line from Cider House Rules over and over while he masturbates.

By January 2nd he had failed miserably on both. I hope you did better than Kid Relish with your own resolutions.


At 8:49 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

Hey Latty-blow you lame bitch. Sound travels FASTER through a solid - the denser the molecules, the more rapidly the sound waves can travel through them. So sound travels faster through pudding than air, making you a great big liar!!!

(Wish you hadn’t told about my resolutions now huh bitch?!)

At 9:24 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

Scarlett Johansson is a horse with an amazing rack.

At 9:40 PM, Blogger amandapants said...

Why are you so angry, Kid Relish? Is it because you got to choose your own nickname, and you picked a condiment?

Sr. Flint, I think that if you pay strangers to read your "I don't know who he was..." line off neatly written index cards as you stride away from the local Starbucks, then it would pass as an "Achieved". You get one starer and one wistful commentator, $20 bucks each, you're set. Shit, I'LL do it for $20 bucks.

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

Latigo, I'm sorry to let you down but I laughed and laughed at your serious attempts, especially the lassooooing of spoilers. I'll bet you get your ass kicked a lot from that. Those guys w/ shitty spoilers have ... often times ... superb senses of humor, but when they anger, they fucking anger.

I felt kind of bad for kid relish, though because he came off very much like your ex-bitch and I think that people are all just good, solid people, even ex-bitches.

At 7:08 AM, Blogger Rasmus said...

I wish I could lasso things...
I doubt there can be a better pick up line than "Fine lady, might I lasso you a drink?"

At 7:28 AM, Blogger Velvet Marauder said...

Latigo, your relentless quest for self improvement is both noble as well as being noble.

And sound travels faster through a gun than pudding.

At 11:32 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I appreciate the update and wish you Godspeed through the rest of the year.

Please include these Resolutions in the future "Latigo Flint Paperback Reader."

Has a nice ring to it. Don't you think?

At 11:36 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

By the way, do you remember that scene in Return of the King -- or one of the three -- where Sam and Frodo contemplate their memoirs? Frodo says to Sam: "What about Sam? I'd like to read more about that Sam fella. Frodo wouldn't have made it far without Sam."

Well, I feel that way about Kid Relish. I know the legend is Latigo Flint and his six-guns. But when I click to learn about Kid Relish, I don't find an active blog.


At 6:15 PM, Blogger Mister Jinxy said...

"Stop throwing scorpions at people."

That is Fun-knee.
Genius. Pure genius.

At 8:12 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

DMOR, I am so angry with you right now. We'll discuss this later, when I'm certain I can restrain myself from homicide.

A.Pants: That isn't a horrible idea. It seems to lack a degree of honor though. I'll take it under advisement. (Kid's intention was the other definition - as in he relishes acts of cruelty and violence. I told him everyone would perceive it has you have, but you know Kid...)

Ho, for you I have much esteem and will therefore not hold your mirth against you.

It's all in the delivery Rasmus. And it's never too late to learn the ropely arts.

Thank you Velvet. And you damn well nailed it on the sound thing.

A thousand man-nods and one way-hetro blown kiss in your direction LBB. (It does have a nice ring. Too bad I'm a lazy drunk- err, I mean very busy gunslinger.)

Thank you Jinxy, I'll pass your fine complements along to Kid Relish. He seldom receives praise, and when he does, he tends to respond by belching into his cupped hand and flinging it at the praise-giver, but that's just his insecurities talking. Deep down I know he's glad to hear it.


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