Thursday, June 16, 2005

The Mewling Moguls

Latigo Flint's relatively trusty sidekick, Kid Relish, can't believe that after who knows how many tens of thousands of movies, spanning nearly a century of motion picture filmmaking, there has never been a movie with a bad guy character who is very wealthy and also a skiing enthusiast, and in order to ski year-round the guy builds himself a ski slope and in the summer he substitutes snow with millions of white kittens.

Outraged by this omission, The Kid recently spent several days crouched near the main entrance of the Writer's Guild building on West Third St. in LA, accosting writers and bludgeoning them with their own man-purses.

"Hey you writer," Kid panted while trying to bludgeon a particularly squirmy one. "Most movies have a bad guy right?"

"Hey what the- Ow!"

"And when you introduce the bad guy character to the audience for the first time you need to somehow convey that he's bad, right?"

"Ow! Stop it! Help!!!"

"Well then, why the hell wouldn't you make the bad guy rich and also a skiing enthusiast and in order to ski in the summertime he covers a hill with millions of live kittens, white ones, and skis on them?"

"Ow! Sweet Jesus. Quit it! Son of a- Ow!"

"You stupid writer. It's so incredibly succinct and elegant. We the audience see this guy swerving his way down a hill of live kittens. Fur and gore spray out in all directions beneath the keen edges of his sharpened Rossingols. Twin red lines track his path down an undulating slope of mewing innocence, and we know instantly that he's bad. This is a bad man. We don't care how cliché and poorly written the hero may be--if he's going to oppose this horrid kitten skier then we're in his corner."

Apparently it went on like this for days. Finally The Kid wore out his bludgeoning arm and had to come home. He's been quiet and morose ever since.

This morning I found Kid Relish sprawled out on the kitchen floor, his big brown eyes wide and troubled.
"I'm haunted Latigo." He whispered. "I've done gone and haunted myself. Half the time I look at people and suspect they routinely ski down a hill of live kittens, and I loathe them for it and want to smash their faces in."
Kid drew a long, shuddering breath.
"The rest of the time I burn and ache with the need to know what it would feel like to ski down a hill of live kittens."

I had no idea how to respond to that. I had to leave. As I walked down the drive I could see that stacked in the alley behind our apartment building were cans and cans of tuna fish, cartons of condensed milk, a large butterfly net and a new pair of skis.

Two thoughts surfaced simultaneously. First: "Why that depraved villain--is Kid Relish really planning what I think he's planning?"

The second thought. (I wonder if that would work?) Well, the second thought deeply shames me.

13 Comments:

At 6:40 AM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

Do I see an Oscar? I think I do!

Also, why use a man purse as an instrument of bludgeonry when you have a titanium pimpstick?

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

With tears in my eyes and completely out of breath, I pledge my secrecy... for I know what your second thought was. And I most certainly won't tell.

I once skied during the summer at a place with a "bunny" slope. I left more than my share of red tracks that weekend. Yes, I did.

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Get a few ferrets in there. They bloody up real well, and nobody would miss 'em.

 
At 8:52 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

it's like 101 dalmations meets that one "Recess" movie where the guy tried to mess with the weather so that there would be no more summer and no more summer vacation ever again.

i know temptation is strong latigo, but fight it you must and fight it you will!

even if you have to lash yourself to something at a very low elevation, you MUST stay off the kitten slopes!

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

The Kid has himself a jim-dandy idea. If fur is murder, you might as well get a good ski trip out of it.

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

I am scared... very very scared.

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

this had every element of a good story. violence, snow capped peaks and cat blood. nay, kitten blood, even better. this is the first time i find myself relating to kid relish, though. i feel i'm becoming more human every day.

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

If Kid Relish ever does this, can I ski behind him with goggles and a tape recorder? I'll make a Christmas song tape by remixing the mewling keening cries of the dying kittens.

 
At 3:00 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

A mountain covered in kittens?!?

My God! That's pure kitten! And where's there's kitten, there's animal dander.

Do you have any idea of the street value of that mountain?

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

I volunteer to do the skiing stunts. Not that I hate kittens - I like cats - I'll just ski on anything. Well, only if it's fake movie kittens. I don't think I could ski on real kittens. That might be bad for my skis.

But I won't ski on Rossignols. No way. Goddamn Frenchy crap.

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger Ari said...

This seems unfinished somehow.

Maybe you need to work in some rope-related invention, such as a ski lift made entirely of rope, or rope made out of kittens...

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger Ectoplasm said...

My first time here Mr. Flint, and I must say I am shocked, just shocked at the prospect of a genius, and gun-fighter no less, living in...I can't say it..Los Angeles.

Skiing on kittens is a business opportunity no doubt about it. I’ll cut you in for half.

 
At 12:13 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I'll tell The Kid you said so Lance. It should please him. And The Kid claims he does it for the irony... But then Kid says that about most of the things he does. I don't think Kid completely understands the definition of irony.

Oh Lord yes Dave... the bunny slopes. It is clear we could share a tale or two you and I.

But dern it Old Hoss, wouldn't they try to eat the "slope"?!

Hey Tabitha! Please don't tell anyone that I actually know exactly which movie you're talking about.

Dern it LBB. The Kid read your comment about how great his idea is and he's been strutting around shirtless all afternoon like a really demented Mick Jagger.

As well you should be Teaspoon, The Kid knows where you live.

It happens to the best of us Ho.

Steve, I disapprove wholeheartedly of the entire mess, but even I paused and was able to recognize the inherent majesty and glory of your plan.

Amandarama, I suspect if The Kid catches you snorting his mountain he's going to be very upset.

They're not bad for skis Ghost Dog. They wax and gloss at the same time... Err, so I've heard.

Well now you're just taking to a truly horrible place, aren't you now Ari.

Thank you Ectoplasm - or, that is to say, thank you for most of what you said. Business opportunity, good. My genius recognized, even better. A vile besmirching of this wretched, glorious city that I call home... Unforgivable!!!

 

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