Monday, July 11, 2005

Beef Jerky and Range Bean Stew - Trust Gerber

Latigo Flint was born under an incredibly rare Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers' Moon. This is the leading theory as to how Latigo Flint grew up to be the Quickest Quickdraw the world has ever known.

Some people (assholes mostly) will point out that there must have been many thousands of babies born that day. They would have been born under the exact same incredibly rare Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers' Moon. Why didn't they grow up to be blazingly fast Quickdraws as well?

Well, I'll tell you. Do you remember the short-lived line of baby food called Gerber's Beef Jerky and Range Bean Stew that was market-tested in the Los Angeles area in the late 70's? Of course you do, it made the headlines worldwide after Gerber had to abruptly recall it from store shelves because it tended to cause Sudden Infant Insanity Syndrome.

However, as chance would have it, Latigo Flint's adopted parents didn't get the memo. Wouldn't have made a difference if they had, Latigo Flint's adopted parents can't read. Latigo Flint's adopted parents are actually Timber Wolves.

Raw caribou was giving Baby Latigo the diarrhea something fierce, so my adopted parents savaged the driver of a Gerber delivery truck and pushed cases of Gerber's Beef Jerky and Range Bean Stew back to the den. Subsequently I ended up eating almost nothing but Gerber's Beef Jerky and Range Bean Stew until I was well into my teens.

(My lupine upbringing could also have something to do with my ability to smell when women are ovulating--and while it doesn't completely justify my tendency to bite down on the back of their necks and attempt to mount them, it sure goes a long way towards explaining it, don't you think?)


At 10:51 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

Most people are surprised to hear that small populations of timber wolves and caribou still roam the San Gabriel Mountains above Pasadena, but not me… I’ve seen them.

(Most people are also surprised to hear that Latigo is a 48-year-old virgin, but not me… I’ve seen him.)

At 11:52 PM, Blogger blake.mcstravick said...

Take it back kid Relish, Please!

At 8:44 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

This explains a lot. Thanks for the peek into the particularly early phases of LF's life.

At 9:54 AM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

Kid Relish has gone too far. Your honor, Mr.Flint!

At 9:55 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

go back and ski with the kittens kid!

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

"Gerber's Beef Jerky and Range Bean Stew" - I think I remember this. It was a sort of odd khaki color with brown bits.

No, wait. That was the strained peas and Slim Jims my babysitter tried to feed my sister when she was an infant. Still seemed to lead to insanity though.

Mr. Flint, I do believe you got off lucky.

At 11:37 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

No, no. There is NOTHING that can explain Latigo Flint. As the saying goes, he...well..forget it. Loco comes to mind...

At 2:19 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i'd say you were justified. a man must show affection.

At 2:47 PM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

Being raised by a family of timber wolves seems to have worked very well for you my good sir.

I never had the pleasure of eating beef jerky and range bean stew. as my parents thought that it was better that I start on raw pieces of steak and infact went hungry until I could tear it apart myself.

At 12:00 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Shut up Kid before I punch you in the throat. Everyone knows you're nothing but a filthy liar!

Kid Relish pretty much only responds to threats of violence Blake Mcstravick. But thanks for getting my back.

You got it Dave.

I salute you with honor intact TrevorR. No one has been fooled by Kid Relish's lies. He has taken nothing from me.

Tabitha Jane, you are the sexiest malevolent hippy I've ever seen.

That's Kraft that manufactures the Strained Pea and Slim Jim baby formula isn't it Amandarama? I think I've had it.

I was out of time the moment I was born Old Hoss. Ooooh wait... dang that's good! I goddamn copyright that. "I was out of time the moment I was born." And then frickin © and ® and ™ goddamnit!!!

And show affection I do Ho, show affection I do.

It hasn't worked out well at all TSP! My mind shudders and twitches when it should be resting. Dairy farmers take contracts out on my life. I buy Ozzy albums for no apparent reason.

At 4:56 PM, Blogger ThePaula said...

As a baby, you stared into the eye of the unknown abyss that is Sudden Infact Death Syndrome and told it in no uncertain terms to put the infant mortality down and slowly step away, and it wisely chose to move on to the next house.

You can bite down on the back of my neck and attempt to mount me any day, stud.

At 1:08 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

You owe me a new keyboard TPaula, I've just badly stained and probably short-circuited this one thanks to you.


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