Beef Jerky and Range Bean Stew - Trust Gerber

Latigo Flint was born under an incredibly rare Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers' Moon. This is the leading theory as to how Latigo Flint grew up to be the Quickest Quickdraw the world has ever known.

Some people (assholes mostly) will point out that there must have been many thousands of babies born that day. They would have been born under the exact same incredibly rare Squinty-Eyed Gunslingers' Moon. Why didn't they grow up to be blazingly fast Quickdraws as well?

Well, I'll tell you. Do you remember the short-lived line of baby food called Gerber's Beef Jerky and Range Bean Stew that was market-tested in the Los Angeles area in the late 70's? Of course you do, it made the headlines worldwide after Gerber had to abruptly recall it from store shelves because it tended to cause Sudden Infant Insanity Syndrome.

However, as chance would have it, Latigo Flint's adopted parents didn't get the memo. Wouldn't have made a difference if they had, Latigo Flint's adopted parents can't read. Latigo Flint's adopted parents are actually Timber Wolves.

Raw caribou was giving Baby Latigo the diarrhea something fierce, so my adopted parents savaged the driver of a Gerber delivery truck and pushed cases of Gerber's Beef Jerky and Range Bean Stew back to the den. Subsequently I ended up eating almost nothing but Gerber's Beef Jerky and Range Bean Stew until I was well into my teens.

(My lupine upbringing could also have something to do with my ability to smell when women are ovulating--and while it doesn't completely justify my tendency to bite down on the back of their necks and attempt to mount them, it sure goes a long way towards explaining it, don't you think?)