Sunday, July 10, 2005

For the Discerning Heroic Rescuer

Do you want to know an awesome way to make a torch? Latigo Flint will tell you an awesome way to make a torch: First, soak the severed head of a male mule deer in a tub of kerosene for several hours, then hold it by one of the antlers and set the tongue on fire.

The blaze is crisp and powerful, with a surprisingly delicate and pleasing aroma. Burn duration is upwards of a day, and the large white ears act as natural reflectors to help focus the illumination.

Of all the types of torches a heroic rescuer could be holding as he's sloshing down a devastated subway tunnel, or tromping up the stairwell of a blacked-out office building, or wading through a Chuck E. Cheese's plastic ball pit -- nothing makes a stronger impression on the rescuee, be it man, woman or child, than a Mule Deer Head Torch.

Now don't get me wrong, strong feelings of love and respect are felt for the heroic rescuer regardless of the type of torch he carries... just doubly so if it happens to be a Mule Deer Head Torch.

Rescued children become prolific painters and gratefully send dozens of stick-figure reenactment pictures. Typically these are brightly colored and economically captioned: "Me" (frowny face, foot trapped in the side of the plastic ball pit) "You" (smiley face, oversized chest) "Deer Head Torch" (Xed-out eyes, blue and yellow flame blasting from the nostrils).

Rescued men give you lots of one-armed man-hugs, buy you many beers and invite you to barbeques.

Rescued women kiss you passionately on the mouth and try to sleep with you.

(Rescued men also sometimes kiss you passionately on the mouth and try to sleep with you. Rescued children don't ever kiss you passionately on the mouth and try to sleep with you, and that's really for the best.)

Latigo Flint has closets full of soaking mule deer heads and he loads two fresh ones into the trunk of his car every morning. (Err, I mean 'pickup truck bed'.) When opportunities for heroic rescues present themselves, Latigo Flint is prepared: mentally, physically and always ideally equipped.


At 8:46 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

The Ultimate Boy Scout. In the being prepared sense, anyhow. And being helpful, courteous, brave, and whatnot.

I sense a book in the works. Rescuing The Helpess, The Latigo Flint Way, or something like that.

At 9:29 AM, Blogger Ithiel said...

I'd buy a copy of that book. Thanks to your tireless efforts, Latigo, I am now better prepared for daring/self-sacrificing rescues, no matter what they require; be it a flaming deer head, or any of the other things required for the various methods of rescue you have described.

Thank You, Latigo Flint Thank You

At 10:32 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Is this the same as a "burnout" after a NASCAR race? Probably in the East they have to use whitetail deer heads.

At 10:33 AM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

"Rescued women kiss you passionately on the mouth and try to sleep with you."

Try! What sort of hero wouldn't let them?

At 11:54 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

can you use a german shepherd head and say that it's just a doe?

At 1:29 PM, Blogger Jinxy said...

Zombie hands work good, too.

At 10:39 PM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

I made a torch once out of duct tape and dead calico guinea pigs. Their pelt oozes a natural oil, so soaking is not necessary.

You know what they say, give a man a guinea pig and he makes one torch. Teach a man to breed guinea pigs and he lights the way for millions.

At 11:23 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

By jove you're right Ghost Dog. I am helpful, courteous, brave and exceedingly whatnot. When HarperCollins finally comes calling, I am soooo getting you to write the introduction to Rescuing The Helpless, The Latigo Flint Way.

It has been my sincere pleasure Ithiel. We all win when men are better prepared for daring/self-sacrificing rescues... we all win!

For some reason whitetail deer heads don't smell very good when they burn Old Hoss. But burning mule deer heads smell like warm, chocolate dipped strawberries.

Heroes aren't allowed to sleep with their rescuees TrevorR. The Hero Charter is very clear on this point. It's hand-jobs and fellatio, nothing more!

It's not advisable Ho. There's nothing to grab on to. You hurt your fingers when the ears go up.

Okay, that's true--zombie hands also work pretty well for some reason.

Dave, you are a most clever and resourceful man. Now I'm upset with myself for not thinking to try a Calico Guinea Pig Torch.

At 12:40 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Well, Latigo, I'd be mighty honored to write said intro. Mighty honored.


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