Friday, December 10, 2004

And the Oscar Goes To...

When they make the movie about the first part of Latigo Flint's life, they're going to have a very difficult time casting someone to play adult Latigo Flint. Naturally the obvious choice to play Latigo Flint would be Latigo Flint himself, but gunslingers don't do fake - gunslingers have been keeping it real long before anyone ever coined the phrase "keeping it real".

Some of the actors they'll audition and ultimately have to reject:
Clint Eastwood: Way, way too old. (Latigo Flint is going to hell for saying that, and he deserves it.) Harrison Ford: Too grumpy, talks too much, also way too old. Johnny Depp: Too pretty and a pacifist. Leonardo DiCaprio: Not pretty enough, can't do proper squinty-eyes. Denzel Washington: Doesn't have that gunslinger vibe, is inexplicably frightened of whisky. Clive Owen: Too English - actually all English actors are disqualified for that very reason. Tom Cruise, Colin Farrell, Mel Gibson, Mark Wahlberg: Too short, and they lack intensity. Owen Wilson: Refuses to take anything seriously, overly dazed. Luke Wilson: Too sensitive, too good natured. Unknown Wilson Brother Andrew: Too unknown (though would make a pretty good choice otherwise, especially if he re-grew the Rushmore "Coach Beck" mustache.)

Moving on.
Cary Elwes: Oops, see Clive Owen. Brad Pitt: Can't draw two guns simultaneously, too sleepy. Mario Lopez: Won't return phone calls, presumed dead. Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock: Doesn't understand gunslinger culture, and for some reason he giggles like a school girl whenever anyone calls him a lowdown varmint. Ryan Phillippe: Gunslingers are all about economy of motion, Ryan's last name looks like a seizure, and he pouts too much. Cole Hauser: Gunplay makes him nauseous, and he blinks too much. Raymond Babbitt: Can memorize lines just fine but doesn't deliver them with any feeling. Michael J. Fox: Sorry, gunslingers need to have steady hands. (Note to self: Be sure to delete this last one before posting, it's the meanest thing ever.)

Anyway, Latigo Flint could go on and on, but he trusts the point has been made. I don't know what Hollywood's going to do. Perhaps if they took an infant right now, placed him in a fabricated world ala Truman's Show except using the set of Bonanza, and raised him, training him 24/7 to be the ultimate gunslinger, maybe in a quarter of a century or so they might be able to start filming... But oh the horror and agony if they mess up somewhere along the line and the kid turns out to be a whiner and a sissy. That's 25 years down the drain. Does Clint have any recent grandchildren? At least the genes will be good.

10 Comments:

At 6:59 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

Word sucka. You ain't as dumb as you look. Now when all them internet peoples do their Googles and Yahoo searches for their fav actors they'll go right to your page.

 
At 7:04 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Well I assure you Kid that wasn't my intent, but thank you for pointing out this potential side benefit.

Are we still on for humiliating the fake gunfighter employees at Knott's Berry Farm next Friday?

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

You know it bitch.

 
At 9:53 AM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

I think Kid Relish and Latigo Flint are the same poster. Smells like deception to me.

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

This fool is such a lame. Me and Lat just happened to be online at the exact same time. Hey Latigo you pasty bitch, remove this fool's post.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Everyone's entitled to his or her opinion Kid.

 
At 2:27 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

A-ha! It's a consipiracy! You cannot silence the truth-bringers. I will shine the light of righteousness upon the sham that is the Kid-Latigo farce! Delete my post! You cannot stop me from bringing this house of cards down!

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Darthmoridin, he sure can fuss.

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

Fuss, fuss..... I think he like to scream at US!

 
At 8:11 AM, Anonymous Bobthegoat said...

Wait, what about Bruce Campbell?

He's got the squinty eyes down pat, and special effects can bring him up to your legendary quick draw speed, Latigo Flint.

 

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