And the Oscar Goes To...

When they make the movie about the first part of Latigo Flint's life, they're going to have a very difficult time casting someone to play adult Latigo Flint. Naturally the obvious choice to play Latigo Flint would be Latigo Flint himself, but gunslingers don't do fake - gunslingers have been keeping it real long before anyone ever coined the phrase "keeping it real".

Some of the actors they'll audition and ultimately have to reject:
Clint Eastwood: Way, way too old. (Latigo Flint is going to hell for saying that, and he deserves it.) Harrison Ford: Too grumpy, talks too much, also way too old. Johnny Depp: Too pretty and a pacifist. Leonardo DiCaprio: Not pretty enough, can't do proper squinty-eyes. Denzel Washington: Doesn't have that gunslinger vibe, is inexplicably frightened of whisky. Clive Owen: Too English - actually all English actors are disqualified for that very reason. Tom Cruise, Colin Farrell, Mel Gibson, Mark Wahlberg: Too short, and they lack intensity. Owen Wilson: Refuses to take anything seriously, overly dazed. Luke Wilson: Too sensitive, too good natured. Unknown Wilson Brother Andrew: Too unknown (though would make a pretty good choice otherwise, especially if he re-grew the Rushmore "Coach Beck" mustache.)

Moving on.
Cary Elwes: Oops, see Clive Owen. Brad Pitt: Can't draw two guns simultaneously, too sleepy. Mario Lopez: Won't return phone calls, presumed dead. Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock: Doesn't understand gunslinger culture, and for some reason he giggles like a school girl whenever anyone calls him a lowdown varmint. Ryan Phillippe: Gunslingers are all about economy of motion, Ryan's last name looks like a seizure, and he pouts too much. Cole Hauser: Gunplay makes him nauseous, and he blinks too much. Raymond Babbitt: Can memorize lines just fine but doesn't deliver them with any feeling. Michael J. Fox: Sorry, gunslingers need to have steady hands. (Note to self: Be sure to delete this last one before posting, it's the meanest thing ever.)

Anyway, Latigo Flint could go on and on, but he trusts the point has been made. I don't know what Hollywood's going to do. Perhaps if they took an infant right now, placed him in a fabricated world ala Truman's Show except using the set of Bonanza, and raised him, training him 24/7 to be the ultimate gunslinger, maybe in a quarter of a century or so they might be able to start filming... But oh the horror and agony if they mess up somewhere along the line and the kid turns out to be a whiner and a sissy. That's 25 years down the drain. Does Clint have any recent grandchildren? At least the genes will be good.