Thursday, December 23, 2004

Merry Public Stoning

This morning Latigo Flint made the horrendous mistake of wishing the cute barista at his local Starbucks a "Merry Christmas" as she handed him his mocha chip frapuchino. You could almost hear a whooshing sound as a dozen conversations abruptly contracted, then slowly reassembled as a rumble of mob rage in the throats of the lethally offended patrons and staff.

Yet unaware of his grievous faux pas, Latigo Flint exited to the parking lot, but halfway across he was caught from behind and publicly stoned to within an inch of his life.

A retroactive Permit of Demonstration was granted to Latigo Flint's attackers by a local judge and no charges will be filed. The ACLU is considering litigation against Latigo Flint for violation of civil rights, violation of the Separation of Church and Coffee act of '98, and inciting a riot.

A very Happy December to all my faithful readers and friends.

(Oh crap, what have I done?! I just said FAITHful; I'm really fucked now!!!)


At 1:53 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

Dear Latigo,

If a god-fearing man (such as yourself) shoots (in the fastest way possible) a bunch of whiny agnostics (such as the ACLU), is that considered a sin? If not, does the Big Guy consider it atonement for prior mis-deeds? Not that you have any on your record, of course.

At 4:18 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Dear Darthmoridin,

Thank you for taking the time to write to Latigo Flint.

Just so the record is straight, Latigo Flint doesn't fear God. Latigo Flint isn't afraid of anything. (Although spiders do make him a little uneasy.)

Latigo Flint simply gets a little riled when some folks see fit to abolish something that other folks believe strongly in, 'specially when that belief ain't hurting anyone and you don't have to listen if you don't want to. And anyway while we're on the subject, Latigo Flint's speed with a six-shooter is in of itself proof of some sort of Supreme Being. Even Hillary Clinton would whisper "Oh my God" and believe it, if she were to see how fast Latigo Flint can slap thigh and shuck iron.

As to your other questions, Latigo Flint hasn't the slightest idea. Latigo Flint has never claimed to have all the answers, just as he's never claimed to be the Messiah... at least not sober anyway.

Best regards,

At 8:39 PM, Blogger Greg said...

Latigo Flint,
I experienced a similar incident while leaving the Excalibur Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada in March of 1991. I attempted to hold a door open for a female of approximately 20-26 years of age. I was set upon by this screaming woman. I was called sexist and told that this young female was perfectly capable of opening "her own goddamn door". Since then I have been tempted many times to let all females open their own doors, but in fear of my dear departed grandmother I have continued to be a polite southern gentleman. Her ghost would haunt me with tortuous screams until the end of my days.
Oh well, keep your powder dry.

At 8:12 PM, Blogger Kevin Jackson said...

Well, this is interesting. I did a blog search for barista jobs and found your site. When I get some time I'll come back and find out where barista jobs appears and how it relates - if it even does. Take care - nice work.


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