Monday, December 13, 2004

That's No Way to Treat a Lady

Call Latigo Flint old fashioned but he often longs for a time when a self righteous mob of good citizen folk would promptly take a man to the nearest tree and hang him dead if he did even half the things Latigo Flint saw men doing to ladies last Saturday night at his local trendy dance hall.

Now gunslingers are men of action who lead by example, so Latigo Flint didn't become all shocked and appalled, instead he bribed the DJ with $500 and a Kenny Rogers album, and set out to prove that you don't need simulated rear entry fornication to have a good time.

As the beautiful first notes of the Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton duet, Islands in the Stream, rang out like a crystal bell over the now silent dance floor, Latigo Flint sought a willing partner to help him prove his case. Latigo Flint picked out the only girl he could see who wasn't at this point openly mocking him. Latigo Flint tipped his hat and said with a bow,
"Ma'am, I'd be honored if you'd join me on the floor for one slow dance." She dropped her chin demurely and gazed up at Latigo Flint through shy brown eyes.

"Thank you kind sir, I'd love to." Her voice was sweet and her hand felt soft in Latigo Flint's as they slowly strolled to the dance floor.

Latigo Flint has no idea how it happened but they didn't even make it through the first chorus before she was bent over and gyrating against Latigo Flint as he spanked her and called her his "dirty cowgirl". Then she shoved Latigo Flint into a kneeling position, his face against her lower belly as she swiveled her hips and implored him to "find MY island in the stream." This sort of debauchery went on between the two of them for the rest of the song and well into the night. Many high fives were administered to Latigo Flint by other attendees and apparently he's "All right, man." Hours later Latigo Flint finally slunk home deeply ashamed.

That was a slip up. Even the greatest gunslinger in the world makes a mistake from time to time. NEXT weekend, without fail, Latigo Flint will prove to everyone that you don't need simulated rear entry fornication to have a good time.


At 6:46 PM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

Latigo is getting culture.

At 6:51 PM, Blogger Myster said...

Latigo Flint should come to some dances at my camp. You think it's disturbing with adults? Try watching 14-year-olds do the same thing. I should find out if our DJ has "Islands in the Stream." The kids might think it's "Ghetto Superstar" and let me get away with it.

At 7:26 PM, Blogger Kid Relish said...

Yo, the 411 is that the State of California's sex offender laws prohibit that bitch Latigo from attending functions where 14 year olds are present. That's just what I heard man.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger darthmoridin said...

Not that I was ever into dancing, but the grind-a-thons that are Los Angeles-based clubs (especially the all ages ones) are why I stopped going.

At 1:36 PM, Blogger Rube Waddell said...

I wish we had trendy dance halls here on the Penguin Flats ice Shelf. I wish other people were here for that matter... even the Penguins are dying off. It's so cold here and lonely here... and only Mr. Flint's reports of debauchery (and internet porn) keep me sane.


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