Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Another Good Way to be a Hero

Saving young women from rabid animals is another great way to be a hero.

Ideally you would be in a secluded rural area in the vicinity of three couples. The females are young and attractive; males are brutish college football player types. The six of them spot a dog/raccoon/badger sitting by the side of the road and begin to approach it.

You with your keen powers of observation detect an unusual glint in said creature's eye and a dangerous frothing about the corners of its mouth. You casually mention that it might be a good idea to leave this animal alone, but the boyfriends cruelly taunt you for your trouble. You leave once the muscle-bound morons begin throwing rotting fruit and stones at you, but you heroically double back and wait in the shadows.

It's critical at this point that the animal is actually rabid; otherwise you simply appear a timid fool. When it suddenly leaps to its feet, slavering and snapping its poisonous jaws in a deadly charge directly at the now terrified girls it's important that the boyfriends run away screaming leaving the girls to their horrible fate. If one or more of the guys kills it they'll be the hero and not you.

Leap from shadows and sprint to a point directly between the now abandoned girls and the approaching beast. Toss a manly comment over your shoulder, something along the lines of, "Stay behind me!" Then square your shoulders and face the hydrophobic monster's charge.

Next beat it to death with something blunt. It's a heroic bonus if at some point the creature's snapping teeth come within inches of your neck and with all your strength you must slowly force its head away before beating it to death, but don't take unnecessary risks, you're assured hero-ness no matter how you kill it.

The three girls will mostly likely want to accompany you to the hospital where you are due to receive 50 injections to the stomach with a giant needle and syringe. Their attendance is excellent and should be encouraged. Wince slightly as the shots are administered but otherwise remain stoic. Say something heroic like, "Don't worry it's bearable, I'm just glad you girls are okay." or "Yeah, it's pretty bad, but if I had to do it again... I would."

Don't bring up their cowardly boyfriends. Don't worry, it's already in the girls' minds and you mentioning it will only appear slightly cheap.


At 12:18 PM, Blogger Myster said...

One has to wonder why so many otherwise-intelligent young women date men who would run away rather than protect them from a rabid animal.

At 1:37 PM, Blogger Rube Waddell said...

I prefer to run away screaming and let the woman protect me. It's my own personal Women's Lib movement. But there is no one to protect me from the penguins... and they're hungry.

At 12:46 PM, Blogger Myster said...

Personally, I would deliver the beast a stunning blow between the eyes and cut the hell out of there without waiting for Latigo Flint to show up. He can't be waiting in the shadows within rescuing distance of every rabid animal in the world... or can he?

At 1:01 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Young lady, omnipresence is not currently within Latigo Flint's impressive capabilities.

Your gumption is admirable. Here's hoping your actions would match your brave words should the grim specter of hydrophobia ever cross your path.


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