Saturday, June 25, 2005

A Fuzzy, Red Noose

No two ways about it, unrequited love builds character. Now if you really want to build lots of character, steel your gut and permanently chill your already squinty-eyes, then Latigo Flint highly recommends lounging near the boarding gates at your local airport and falling desperately in love with every cute girl that walks past and then disappears forever down that long tunnel.

You win the game in sixty years or so by dying alone, the toughest, grumpiest, squinty-eyedest old codger the world has ever known.

You lose if you break down, pitch a teary-eyed snot-fit in the middle of the crowded terminal and try to hang yourself from the postcard rack with a length of fuzzy, red rope.

Cute Australian girls are particularly wicked; they know how mesmerizing and sexy their accents are. They will often walk down the boarding tunnel backwards, talking to someone on their cell phone, but the whole time making eye contact with you. They'll wink and grin, a cruel eternal goodbye, as they turn the corner.

In such cases I recommend stabbing yourself in the armpit with your car key as a distractive measure. (It really doesn't matter how many times you've been stabbed before in the armpit with a car key, you will always be truly astonished and quite unprepared for the ensuing level of pain. But hey, whatever keeps you in the game and away from that postcard rack and a fuzzy, red noose.)

When you can sing along to sad songs with true emotion in your voice, but a simultaneous sneer on your lips, you know you're well on your way. You're making a million dead cowboys mighty proud right then.


At 7:01 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

It appears your weakness would be Australian girls.

Mine are obviously sadistic, calloused, evil Missourians (oh God, I'm already getting goose flesh) who watch your pure tears of love fall for a minute, then simultaneously grab your balls and wallet, marry you, manipulate you into buying them a house, get them all comfortable... then, when you least expect the direct impact, kick you in those very same balls... and THEN get on that plane.

The glance over their shoulder as they walk down the tunnel is to remind you "it's okay, Dave... there's always the fuzzy red noose."

At 10:07 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

It is better, Mr. Flint, to go for a German girl. It is easy to fall out of love with the accent.

At 11:06 AM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

Well I'll Be Jiggerd, I think old snake has found the key to avoiding a love mishap. Fall for a girl with a crappy accent. That way you'll only love her till she opens her mouth, instead of until you die a lonely teary snot filled death.

At 10:45 AM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I will never disappear down that long tunnel, Latigo.

At 3:23 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

this one gutted me.

At 11:37 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Would that there was some blogger saloon where I could buy you and Dave a tequila shot or five, Latty.

At 4:05 PM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

Alas many a sad night has been spent by good gunslingers. Why can't women just love this oft misunderstood hero of lore?

At 6:54 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to be a gay cowboy. That Village Person pulled it off nicely.

The reason I wonder is because women love to hang around gay fellas, but avoid cowboys. So, what would they do with a gay cowboy.

Looking forward to your thoughts,

El Fundio de Hormiga Fuego.

At 6:55 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...


At 10:54 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Howdy Dave. Latigo Flint has no weaknesses. (Only sensitive spots.) And thanks to you I'm also now quite wary of sadistic, calloused, evil Missourians. I'm sorry to hear of your torment.

Old Hoss, that is one of the wisest things I've ever heard!

Grubly my Grubly, I see you too spotted Old Hoss's genius. It's a good plan. It's a dern good plan.

Don't you have to appear before you can disappear Cindy-Lou? (And I thought we were going to meet at the Taco Bell in Mohave a few months ago to eat tacos and stare at yucca plants. I waited and waited there. I ate tacos. I stared at yucca plants. Then some teenagers tried to rob me and I was forced to maim them.)

Sucker punch, solar plexus Ho?

Long as you're buying Ari, I'd actually prefer 37 Coors long necks. And have 'em brought out all at once. I like to line 'em up and just admire them for a spell. (Kinda like Heywood and his smokes.)

It's a mystery TSP. A mystery a mystery.

You bring up a very interesting point LBB. However, I'm afraid that fully answering your question could take me places I'm unprepared to go. (Like West Hollywood again.)


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