A Fuzzy, Red Noose

No two ways about it, unrequited love builds character. Now if you really want to build lots of character, steel your gut and permanently chill your already squinty-eyes, then Latigo Flint highly recommends lounging near the boarding gates at your local airport and falling desperately in love with every cute girl that walks past and then disappears forever down that long tunnel.

You win the game in sixty years or so by dying alone, the toughest, grumpiest, squinty-eyedest old codger the world has ever known.

You lose if you break down, pitch a teary-eyed snot-fit in the middle of the crowded terminal and try to hang yourself from the postcard rack with a length of fuzzy, red rope.

Cute Australian girls are particularly wicked; they know how mesmerizing and sexy their accents are. They will often walk down the boarding tunnel backwards, talking to someone on their cell phone, but the whole time making eye contact with you. They'll wink and grin, a cruel eternal goodbye, as they turn the corner.

In such cases I recommend stabbing yourself in the armpit with your car key as a distractive measure. (It really doesn't matter how many times you've been stabbed before in the armpit with a car key, you will always be truly astonished and quite unprepared for the ensuing level of pain. But hey, whatever keeps you in the game and away from that postcard rack and a fuzzy, red noose.)

When you can sing along to sad songs with true emotion in your voice, but a simultaneous sneer on your lips, you know you're well on your way. You're making a million dead cowboys mighty proud right then.