Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Slapping Thigh and Shucking Iron

Glaring caustically at the world from beneath a dusty hat brim feels good. I say it feels pretty dern good to glare caustically at the world from beneath a dusty hat brim. I would have to imagine it feels almost as good as shooting someone who really deserves it.

How many times now has Latigo Flint ordered a large Mocha Chip Frappuccino at his local Starbucks? Yes, you in the back - what's that you say? Infinity? You think it's been infinity times? Um... okay fine... infinity times it is.

And how many times is Latigo Flint going to have to remind Tyler, the two-bit tinhorn barista, that Latigo Flint likes whipped cream on top of his Frappuccino?

Shut-up in the back, it's actually a rhetorical question; they're both rhetorical questions. I'll tell you what's not rhetorical - me slapping thigh and shucking the iron of my authentic replica Colt Peacemaker revolvers from their hand-tooled elk hide holsters and shooting Tyler in the face one of these days if he keeps forgetting to put the whipped cream on my Mocha Chip Frappuccino.

Latigo Flint thinks about things. Latigo Flint is very well-thought. Latigo Flint thinks about shooting Tyler the tinhorn barista in the face, but that's not evil. It's not evil because Tyler has forgotten the whipped cream so many times in row now that it can only be intentional at this point.

Latigo Flint thinks about orchestral music. Latigo Flint thinks about how the right piece of orchestral music can make loneliness seem almost noble.

Latigo Flint also thinks about aquatic mammals. Latigo Flint often ponders if aquatic mammals get rabies. Latigo Flint wonders if a baby fur seal with rabies would be scary, depressing, hilarious - or all three.

Latigo Flint wonders if his name is an acronym for something really cool and awesome. Latigo Flint sometimes tries to make sentences with the letters of his name. The best Latigo Flint can come up with is: "Lads, At The Instant Gals Offer Free Love I'll Not Tarry." This sentence sounds more like something a hippy would say, not a Squinty-Eyed Gunslinger. This tends to melancholize Latigo Flint.

Latigo Flint also thinks about how it's taking much longer to drink himself to death than he originally estimated.


At 7:32 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Is Latigo Flint sure 'melancholize' is a word?

I like to believe your name means "Last Alive, Treacherous, Iron-shucking Gunslinger Ostracizing Fearful Lame Idiots in the Name of ... Testosterone.

I kind of misted up toward the end there. Sorry.

At 8:16 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

Blasting that tinhorn won't solve your problem, Latigo. I put up my swords after disemboweling that kid who kept forgetting my barbecue sauce for my McNuggets. I realized that people were going to go on forgetting my barbecue sauce no matter how many of 'em I disembowel.

But I certainly agree on the glaring caustically bit. Heck, even from beneath a clean hat brim, and from behind my Oakleys it feels good. Squinting at people for no apparent reason feels good, too.

At 8:58 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I think you think some very fine thoughts. For this, I am very thinkful.

You might wanna rethink your plan, though, for dealing with those server twerps. I don't think Remington's gonna make enough bullets to get 'em all.

As I recall, The Kid has got a sharp knife...

At 9:20 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

is latigo flint really trying to drink himself to death at starbucks? i hear that crap they use to make frappuccinos is pretty gross, so you might actually succeed. it's called "universal blended beverage" or UBB. gross. what a frapp with some UBB in it and whipped cream on top? mmmmm . . .

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

If you want I can bring over a few bottles of tequila and help you with that drinking yourself to death thing. I have to warn you though, I get slutty when I drink tequila.

At 11:08 AM, Blogger The Macek Collective said...

Some things just take time. But, it will be worth the wait.

At 3:15 PM, Anonymous roundelay said...

I tried to come up with a good acronym, but that much thinking makes my head hurt.

However, I did plug you in to the anagram-spouting website and found that by rearranging your name you can spell such worthy phrases as "flagon I tilt," "foal tilting," and "gin lift a lot".

I dunno if that helps you, but I hope so.

At 6:51 PM, Blogger Jinxy said...

I live for the day when I can watch Kid Relish fling scorpions at some Starbucks punk while Ennio Morricone plays softly in the background.

At 8:52 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

"Latigo Flint also thinks about how it's taking much longer to drink himself to death than he originally estimated. "

You really shouldn't estimate this stuff yourself. That's why God invented the internet:


At 7:19 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

I'm picturing it vividly, Jinxy-san. Kid Relish, scorpions at the ready, theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly playing in the background...a closeup of the Kid's narrowed gaze and furrowed brow...then one of the tinhorn Starbuck's barista, eyes widening in fear...zoom out to see the barista's shaking hand on the espresso machine...the Kid gives the slightest hint of a sardonic grin...then, in a flash, Kid Relish lets fly a pair of the biggest scorpions anyone has ever seen...all the while, the theme building to a crescendo...

At 9:32 AM, Blogger Jinxy said...

That's exactly how I was imagining it, Ghost.

At 11:29 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

tarry is kinda gay. this entry was one of the best, though. we all have tylers. we all bleed. we all should be able to shoot our tylers.

At 1:36 PM, Blogger Mere Existence said...

The fastest way to drink yourself to death is to piss in your mouth.

At 10:33 PM, Blogger Kilroy Trout said...

May I make a suggestion?

1.Draw the gun slowly – no thigh slapping
2.With a look of quiet despair, place a single bullet into the chamber and spin it.
3.Hold the gun to your temple. Make sure your face is angst ridden and tearful.
4.Draw the hammer – slowly like in the movies.
5.Scream at Tyler that this is the last time you will beg for whipped cream and that your death is on his shoulders (if possible time this step with the playing or orchestral music and moans of rabid aquatic mammals)
6.Pull the trigger.
7.If the gun doesn’t fire, repeat steps 2-7 until whip cream is provided.

At 2:42 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Yes, dern it Dave, Latigo Flint is very, very, very certain that melancholize is a word! It's a frickin' word!!! (Rage at being doubted aside now, that was a truly beautiful letter-name assignment you did for me. Thank you.)

It's a dern shame ain't it Ghost Dog - the easy solutions are so rarely the correct ones. (Nothing beats Squinty-Eyes, it's true.)

Howdy Old Hoss. Sheeeat, The Kid could practically become a weapons dealer!

Tabitha, I didn't mean to confuse - yes, Latigo Flint visits his local Starbucks every morning. This has nothing to do with the other though. Whiskey, Coors and antifreeze is my multi-pint nightcap.

I'm not going to lie Cindy-Lou, your comment made Latigo Flint a tad excited. Latigo Flint may or may not have just demolished his entire apartment in a masturbatory frenzy.

Well now Macek, that was spoken like a true dark grinner. (We recognize our own I reckon.)

My God Roundelay!!! That is friggin' awesome. Discovering that "Gin lift a lot" is an anagram for "Latigo Flint" has just made my month. It is not my first, second or even twelfth drink choice but who cares. Close a damn 'nuff I say!!!

Nice Jinx! Very, very nice! A stove-lid trophy is automatically awarded to anyone who can toss out a relevant Ennio Morricone reference.

I get uneasy at the thought of checking that Amandarama. I suspect it will tell of a not too distant gutshooting at the hands of a grinning Irish girl. I'd rather not have that confirmed.

Hey Ho, we should write a song together about those very points you just made. When the good lyrics flow we'll hug excitedly for a moment but then quickly draw apart, cough and slap each other firmly on the shoulder.

I'm going to take your word on that Mere.

This is a pretty good suggestion Kilroy. But I'm not convinced it's right for me... It seems a bit too teen-girl angsty. Yes? No? Don't you think? Drinking yourself to death takes commitment and gumption. A commitment and gumption that trigger pullers and jumpers could never fathom.

At 7:19 PM, Anonymous hutson said...

Just curious, LF, but did you ever watch the now canceled show Firefly?

At 1:18 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I'm afraid I have not Grizzly H. Is it view-worthy? Should I try to rent old episodes?

At 5:41 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Yes. Rent "Firefly". Now. Then buy a crate of whiskey and settle in for the weekend.

At 11:06 AM, Anonymous Hutson said...

Firefly is ... well... think Han Solo in a Western and he still shot Greedo first. I think you'll like it.

At 5:14 PM, Anonymous tom said...

Thank you, very interesting!


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