Saturday, June 18, 2005

Stucco Tattoos

A hearty cheer now for Latigo Flint! (And I'm talking the sort of lusty holler a dozen cowpunchers make when at first the Trail Boss isn't going to let them ride into town that month because six hundred head of cattle went missing last night, but then Lazy Eye Slim goes out and finds all six hundred just a settin' all clustered-like in that little draw up yonder behind the crick apiece where there's aplenty of good graze, and the Trail Boss is so dern glad to hear it that he declares that not only is the ride into town back on, but every man will be gettin' a bonus of one silver dollar.)

Anyway, that's the sort of cheer Latigo Flint is awarding himself, because today Latigo Flint greatly impressed that Pretty Bus Stop Sitting Girl who doesn't speak any English.

Apparently that Pretty Bus Stop Sitting Girl has never seen anyone give them self a stucco tattoo before. Well, she must be new in town, or at least to that particular bus line, because Latigo Flint has been self-applying stucco tattoos against that wall for quite some time now.

By the way, Latigo Flint firmly believes stucco tattoos are going to be the next big thing in permanent body decoration. The process is quite simple really:

1. Ink your chosen design onto a stucco surface.

(Don't forget to reverse it. Helpful Tip: Stand sideways with a mirror in your non-painting hand. Paint looking at the mirror, not the wall.)

2. Lightly coat your finished design with some sort of natural coagulant. Tabasco sauce works well, as does diesel fuel.

3. Give yourself a running start (a quarter mile at the very least) and hurl yourself at full speed into the wall, making sure primary strike is with desired body part. (The latter means that it tends to be rather difficult to apply a stucco tattoo to that curved small of the back just above the buttocks - sorry ladies.)

4. Lightly daub away subsequent blood. Air-dry for at least 24 hours and enjoy.

Two things made today's stucco tattoo especially impressive to that Pretty Bus Stop Sitting Girl who doesn't speak any English. First, it was a multi-color, full-chest tattoo. Second - it happened to be a lifelike picture of her.

She must have heard the low fleshy thud, because she whirled around, eyes wide. I stifled a whimper and staggered towards her. She gazed at the crimson portrait of herself in the center of my rapidly bruising chest and slender hands flew to flushed cheeks. "Mierda! Pendejo gavacho. Usted está totalmente loco!!!"

Which I believe means: "Goodness! You are a most brave and dashing and sexy man. I would like very much to sleep with you!!!"

I smiled shyly and continued my approach, a wad of gauze in my outstretched hand. "Why thank you beautiful Señorita. First things first though, would you care to lightly daub the blood from my powerful and tawny chest?"

She leapt to her feet and sprinted off down the street. I assume to powder her nose, wash her face, or whatever other pre-coital rituals girls have.

"I appreciate your eagerness my Latin Angel," I called after her swiftly departing form. "but remember, I must wait at least twenty four hours before my chest comes into contact with anything, so there's no need to rush quite so franticly."

Her soft reply drifted back to me from around the far street corner: "Hija de la chingada madre! Cabron!!!"

Which of course must loosely translate to: "I'll meet you here same time tomorrow! You sexy, sexy man!!!"

So please excuse Latigo Flint won't you? Latigo Flint will now be doing push-ups and shaving unruly body hair until dawn.

12 Comments:

At 8:24 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I never could understand those French girls. Most of them seem to take 38 or 40 hours to powder their noses, and then forget what they were going to do next, which was to screw somebody. So, Latigo, I guess you got screwed.

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

My hope for you, my friend, is that you get to that engorged, hormonal minx before the border patrol does.

 
At 11:27 PM, Blogger amandapants said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:49 AM, Blogger amandapants said...

I fear stucco with a deep-seated darkness that no one can truly comprehend... but after this incident I think that little foreigner at the bus stop understands exactly what I'm talking about.

 
At 10:26 PM, Blogger Kilroy Trout said...

Stucco Tattoos...yes Tattoos not "Tacos". Why when I read this did my mind keep insisting it was Stucco Tacos - even when the story strongly suggested otherwise. Please help.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger Mere Existence said...

How do you think I met my first wife? It's not related to stucco tattoos... I'm just curious.

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger Blog ho said...

i never pictured latigo carving hedges into his pubes. i guess i have a lot to learn about the new old west.

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

i'm surprised no ribs were broken in the process!

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger Amandarama said...

Stucco and ink: good.

Stalactites, ink and a trampoline: better.

But, frankly I don't think the chick appreicates you like she should.

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'm no Spanish teacher, but your translations are a bit sketchy.

Good post on the tattoo technique, though.

 
At 12:35 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Old Hoss, rumor has it this old life enjoys putting it to us.

Thank you Dave. I waited right there like she said I should. Days passed. I think I caught some sort of bacterial inflammation from the bus bench.

Honestly now Amandapants!!! Who in their right mind could ever fear stucco?! Stucco is our friend!

Never fear Kilroy, help is on the way. Here's what you do: Order six hard shell tacos from Taco Bell. Grasp each in your right hand and smash five of them with great force into your forehead. Done? Okay good. Now walk over to a stucco wall. Now, eat the last taco and... wait, what was the question?

Hello there Mere. Awesome, I love it when my opinion is solicited. Okay, how did you meet your wife huh? Let's see, in your youth you were a badger trapper working the rugged and desolate peaks of the Karakoram mountain range in Pakistan. She was a blind belly dancer struggling with a goats milk addiction... Um, actually never mind... I have to go now to work on a major motion picture script I just came up with.

I fear there is much about me that would shock you friend Ho.

And did I say there weren't Tabitha?

I know, it's a damn shame Amandarama, just a damn shame... I should have been the one to think of that limestone cave tattoo method.

Hey usted insecto del asshole!!! ¡Usted puede tomar sus traducciones y empujarlas abajo de una gran cueva grande en la montaña del mundo!!!

 
At 10:47 PM, Anonymous tubbyman said...

HIZAAAH, those translations were H.I. larious. Who said beer goggles don't also work as beer-earmuffs? Certainly not me. I laughed out loud.

Nicely done.

 

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