Stucco Tattoos

A hearty cheer now for Latigo Flint! (And I'm talking the sort of lusty holler a dozen cowpunchers make when at first the Trail Boss isn't going to let them ride into town that month because six hundred head of cattle went missing last night, but then Lazy Eye Slim goes out and finds all six hundred just a settin' all clustered-like in that little draw up yonder behind the crick apiece where there's aplenty of good graze, and the Trail Boss is so dern glad to hear it that he declares that not only is the ride into town back on, but every man will be gettin' a bonus of one silver dollar.)

Anyway, that's the sort of cheer Latigo Flint is awarding himself, because today Latigo Flint greatly impressed that Pretty Bus Stop Sitting Girl who doesn't speak any English.

Apparently that Pretty Bus Stop Sitting Girl has never seen anyone give them self a stucco tattoo before. Well, she must be new in town, or at least to that particular bus line, because Latigo Flint has been self-applying stucco tattoos against that wall for quite some time now.

By the way, Latigo Flint firmly believes stucco tattoos are going to be the next big thing in permanent body decoration. The process is quite simple really:

1. Ink your chosen design onto a stucco surface.

(Don't forget to reverse it. Helpful Tip: Stand sideways with a mirror in your non-painting hand. Paint looking at the mirror, not the wall.)

2. Lightly coat your finished design with some sort of natural coagulant. Tabasco sauce works well, as does diesel fuel.

3. Give yourself a running start (a quarter mile at the very least) and hurl yourself at full speed into the wall, making sure primary strike is with desired body part. (The latter means that it tends to be rather difficult to apply a stucco tattoo to that curved small of the back just above the buttocks - sorry ladies.)

4. Lightly daub away subsequent blood. Air-dry for at least 24 hours and enjoy.

Two things made today's stucco tattoo especially impressive to that Pretty Bus Stop Sitting Girl who doesn't speak any English. First, it was a multi-color, full-chest tattoo. Second - it happened to be a lifelike picture of her.

She must have heard the low fleshy thud, because she whirled around, eyes wide. I stifled a whimper and staggered towards her. She gazed at the crimson portrait of herself in the center of my rapidly bruising chest and slender hands flew to flushed cheeks. "Mierda! Pendejo gavacho. Usted está totalmente loco!!!"

Which I believe means: "Goodness! You are a most brave and dashing and sexy man. I would like very much to sleep with you!!!"

I smiled shyly and continued my approach, a wad of gauze in my outstretched hand. "Why thank you beautiful Señorita. First things first though, would you care to lightly daub the blood from my powerful and tawny chest?"

She leapt to her feet and sprinted off down the street. I assume to powder her nose, wash her face, or whatever other pre-coital rituals girls have.

"I appreciate your eagerness my Latin Angel," I called after her swiftly departing form. "but remember, I must wait at least twenty four hours before my chest comes into contact with anything, so there's no need to rush quite so franticly."

Her soft reply drifted back to me from around the far street corner: "Hija de la chingada madre! Cabron!!!"

Which of course must loosely translate to: "I'll meet you here same time tomorrow! You sexy, sexy man!!!"

So please excuse Latigo Flint won't you? Latigo Flint will now be doing push-ups and shaving unruly body hair until dawn.