Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Football Pencils

That young man with sad eyes and a slightly misshapen head was at Starbucks today. Spread out on the table before him was an entire set of NFL pencils, a TrapperKeeper notebook and a quarter.

Latigo Flint sees him there almost every day. Latigo Flint had yet to find a reason to talk to him. Latigo Flint must have been feeling chatty today.

"Hey guy. Whatcha doing there?"

The young man wouldn't look me in the eye. "You think it's stupid dumb."

"Please don't presume to know what I think."

He slowly lifted his head a bit, managing to stare at my chest. "I'm simulating the entire 2005/06 professional football season with these team pencils and a quarter."

I pulled up a chair and sat next to him. "See guy - I actually don't think that's stupid or dumb. How do you factor in home-field advantage?"

The young man smiled shyly. "The home team is always tails. When the quarter is in the air I hope for and whisper 'tails tails tails' to help."

I nodded my appreciation. "That's good fella. That's real dern good if you ask me."

I stood to leave. "I'm Latigo Flint. I'm the quickest quickdraw the world has ever known. If I was going to root for an NFL team I guess it would have to be the Cowboys, Chiefs, 49ers, Broncos or Colts, because those team names are Old West iconic."

The young man disappeared behind his TrapperKeeper. Papers shuffled. "The next game on the schedule is Broncos and Raiders."

"Which is the home team?" I asked.

"This game is in Denver." He replied.

"Well tails tails tails then."

He scowled. "Don't do that! I say the 'tails tails tails'! There's no such thing as two home crowds; it simply isn't possible. A stadium on top of a stadium?! Why, everyone in the bottom stadium would be crushed. Actually you may have just ruined the entire season and I may have to start all over now. I hope you get cancer."

I slowly backed away. "O-kay guy. Anyway, it was a pleasure to meet you. I'm sorry you have to start the season over. I'm going to order my beverage now and then get some lunch - probably something high in antioxidants."

And that's exactly what I did.


At 1:05 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

TrapperKeeper and football pencils. It's like I'm in 5th grade all over again.

Good luck with the cancer.

At 6:41 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

You handled that whole situation without reaching for iron or blowing your top. Weekly therapy helping? (knowing grin)

At 8:55 AM, Blogger Jinxy said...

Whenever I read one of your posts, Latigo, it's a struggle to choose whether to attempt to write something pithy that is equally as humorous or to just compliment you on your genius.

"I hope you get cancer," from a mishapen headed kid.


At 9:05 AM, Blogger Teaspoon said...

You said that you would root for the 49ers before the Broncos. D. Mor is going to have a field day with that.

At 9:20 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

you meet some of the strangest people at starbucks friend . . . is your starbucks near a toxic chemical dump or a nuclear reactor?

At 10:44 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I don't know that a schedule do-over is worth a hematoma. Maybe a little wen, but certainly nothing like a brain tumor. Let me know how the chemo works out.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I would've told him his formula was too simple. You could use four quarters in a game, but you'd need nickel and dime defense coin flips, too.

His misshapen head would've melted like fontina cheese.

I'm a bad person.

At 12:46 PM, Blogger Lester T. said...

actually, the probability that you get cancer can be roughly equated to a coin toss: heads you're ok, tails you get cancer.

(tails tails tails)

At 1:46 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

I hope lester t gets cancer. and that god forsaken kid. can't be 2 hometeams. that's homo talk right there. pure homo talk. i'd know...i speak a little homo.

At 4:15 PM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

You should have taught the little ingrate a lesson in manners. Wishing cancer upon the quickest quick-draw the world has ever known might get you disemboweled 'round my neck of the woods.

At 5:27 PM, Blogger Lester T. said...

my apologies for not appending the requisite "j/j" or "j/k" to my comment! hehehe...

honest, i didn't really mean it.

At 7:57 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I prefer "die in a car fire" over "I hope you get cancer". I'm sorry about that kid, LT. I'll take care of it, he won't wish cancer on you or any other cowboy again. Any luck finding that bottomland?

At 11:16 PM, Blogger Ari said...

Oops. I think I broke the "absolutely no chuckling at comments" rule.

Then again, maybe I was giggling this time. Not that you getting cancer is funny, Latty. Not at all.

At 12:19 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Thank you LBB, but I expect not to need any luck - I ate a lunch high in antioxidants!

I did didn't I Dave. Gold stars for me. (Fierce squinty-eyes combined with a maniacal grin.)

That is a kind thing you have said JJJ, jr. Thank you. And by the way, I don't mind if you attempt both.

I'm certain I have no idea what you're talking about TSP.

Certainly not Tabitha! It's on the corner of San Fernando and Alameda - 9 miles north of Hollywood... (Oh wait, maybe you're actually right.)

Won't be necessary Old Hoss, thanks for your concern, I ate a lunch high in antioxidants.

You're not a bad person Steve, you just don't blend well - a closet hippy, too strong to be a victim, too smart to advance corporately, too sensitive to be a bouncer and too cynical to be loved. (I also read palms.)

I knew you were just kidding Lester and don't really hope I get cancer. I knew it even before you commented again to let me know you were. (Yes it was nice to hear it from you, but not necessarily essential as I have just explained.)

I thought we were just swapping old war stories last night Ho... Were we actually saying just a little bit more?

I promptly deprived him of my company Ghost Dog. I think that's punishment enough.

Hello Cindy-Lou. You know how the real estate market is here in Southern California... All I've found so far is a bottomland that we would have to time-share with eight other couples. I'll keep looking.

Fine Ari... You're allowed to chuckle, slightly, at Blog Ho's comments, but only 'cause I know it's useless to forbid it.

And damn straight the thought of me getting cancer isn't funny. Actually, getting cancer is probably the least funny thing I can think of.

(Okay, testicular cancer is a tiny bit funny... but mostly only to say.)

At 3:38 PM, Blogger Lester T. said...

yes, but blog ho made me realize that some people may not have taken it was meant to be taken and that wishing cancer on anyone is not funny. i thought i could get away with it because i was canadian.

i was (yesterday) going to post a comment saying that i already had cancer (to the best of my knowledge, i don't) but decided it wouldn't be funny either. that and i would have never been able to see blog ho's face after reading the comment anyway.

At 3:46 PM, Blogger Lester T. said...

and i do have a misshapen head...

At 12:49 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Well if it's any consolation Lester, I think you're quite sexy... especially for someone with only one kidney.

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God luck with it : )

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