Friday, July 08, 2005

Retroactive Prophecies

The retroactive prophecy has been fulfilled.

The retroactive prophecy was such writ:

And so it did come to pass that on the 7th day of the 7th month in the year of the sad-eyed Texas champ upon whose tall chest strikes 7 thrice, shall the quickest quickdraw the world has ever known chase a Red Bull energy drink with nearly a bottle and a half of cedar barrel whiskey, stagger nude through the streets of Burbank and sexually violate a poster of Michael Bay's The Island (twice) before finally passing out in a supermarket's greeting card section.

Retroactive prophecies are just about the greatest things ever. Latigo Flint is very keen on retroactive prophecies. Retroactive prophecies can bail you out of almost anything. They are quite simply awesome.

It was a very happy day when Latigo Flint discovered he could justify any sort of condemnable behavior merely by writing a prophecy that foretells it retroactively.

Excuse me, Latigo Flint needs to write another retroactive prophecy now.

And so it did come to pass that in the early minutes of the 8th day of that same 7th month, Latigo Flint typed a few of the words to a weblog post with one hand whilst pleasuring himself with the other.

Sorry friends, but you can't really blame me - after all, it was retroactively prophesized.

********************************

There is a girl, and there has been for quite some time now. Every second I haven't held her is a wasted one. She loves another, and that pain has made me so very sharp and alive.

Actually in a way I guess I'm lucky, for it has also made me tough and dangerous, and everybody knows that tough and dangerous is ultra-sexy. I shall most likely make a sloppy, drunken scene at her wedding and then retroactively prophesize it the next day.

(My drunken activities aren't yet finalized, but they're likely to include: dropping a hungry marmot on the wedding cake, flinging scorpions at the best men, defecating on the groom's cufflinks, and attempting to eat all the floral arrangements.)

12 Comments:

At 6:43 AM, Blogger Lance Manion said...

Bummer about the girl, Latty. I have known your pain. Still, it sucks.

The marmot's a nice touch. You also might want to consider swallowing and then defecating the groom's cufflinks. Kind of kicks it up a notch.

 
At 8:03 AM, Blogger Ghost Dog said...

I hope the wedding video ends up on the Internet, should the prophecy go fulfilled. Especially the scorpion-flinging bit.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger roundelay said...

You know it's really not a wedding unless someone runs around nekkid during the chicken-dance. Just a thought.

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I too love Scarlett Johansen.

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I retroactively prophesize that Mr. Flint will type his weblog with one hand while pleasuring himself with the other.

I sure would like to see this turn out to be true.

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

On the 8th day of the 7th month, Dave shall spew forth a fountain of pepsi from his nostrils, immediately following the reading of the script written with the one free hand of the fastest (and strongest wristed) gunslinger Starbucks has ever known.

 
At 12:23 PM, Blogger katiedid said...

You've had Sir Eduardo the otter for a friend, and now I read you have access to marmots and scorpions... oh my! You must keep a very interesting menagerie there, Latigo.

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

pain is good fodder for stories.

 
At 9:01 AM, Anonymous FallenRanger said...

And on the 9th day of the 7th month, the Highest Court in the Land will authorize the use of retroactive warrents.

Shoulda seen it coming...

 
At 5:46 PM, Blogger Ari said...

I reckon everybody hurts, but no one hurts quite like a squinty-eyed gunslinger, I'll wager.

However, if one has to hurt, wedding-crashing-fu is the best use to which that pain can be put.

I'll raise a Coors long neck in the hopes that someday soon, you won't be quite so tough and dangerous.

 
At 12:56 AM, Blogger Trevor Record said...

Holy shit, you are an unstoppable corsair of humour and cool.

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Thank you Lance but I do not consider it to be a bummer. It has made me tough and dangerous and therefore ultra-sexy, and these are excellent things to be. (I shall most certainly consider your wonderful cufflink idea!)

Heck yeah Ghost Dog, I don't think that's the sort of scene you could keep off the internet even if you wanted to!

Thank you so much for reminding me Roundelay, I will most definitely be entirely nude throughout.

I feel that Steve. (Watching The Horse Whisperer conflicts me... When the credits finally roll it always seems like I should have to register myself with some sort of national database.)

Well Old Hoss, I think you just may be in luck...

Sorry about that Dave. I've already FedExed you a new keyboard. It should arrive tomorrow.

Howdy Katiedid. It is true I have an uncanny kinship with many of the wild woodland creatures.

Fuck-En-A Ho... Fuck-En-A!!!

The courts scour my famous weblog for ideas all the time FallenRanger. (Why do you think it's now legal in the state of North Carolina to bludgeon Starbucks barristas with titanium pimpsticks if they mess up your drink order.)

Thank you Ari. (REM lyrics always cheer me up.) It's such a difficult choice, tough and dangerous vs. fulfilled and happy.

Holy shit, I am?! Well dang TrevorR, this is very good news! This is very good news indeed!

 

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