Retroactive Prophecies

The retroactive prophecy has been fulfilled.

The retroactive prophecy was such writ:

And so it did come to pass that on the 7th day of the 7th month in the year of the sad-eyed Texas champ upon whose tall chest strikes 7 thrice, shall the quickest quickdraw the world has ever known chase a Red Bull energy drink with nearly a bottle and a half of cedar barrel whiskey, stagger nude through the streets of Burbank and sexually violate a poster of Michael Bay's The Island (twice) before finally passing out in a supermarket's greeting card section.

Retroactive prophecies are just about the greatest things ever. Latigo Flint is very keen on retroactive prophecies. Retroactive prophecies can bail you out of almost anything. They are quite simply awesome.

It was a very happy day when Latigo Flint discovered he could justify any sort of condemnable behavior merely by writing a prophecy that foretells it retroactively.

Excuse me, Latigo Flint needs to write another retroactive prophecy now.

And so it did come to pass that in the early minutes of the 8th day of that same 7th month, Latigo Flint typed a few of the words to a weblog post with one hand whilst pleasuring himself with the other.

Sorry friends, but you can't really blame me - after all, it was retroactively prophesized.

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There is a girl, and there has been for quite some time now. Every second I haven't held her is a wasted one. She loves another, and that pain has made me so very sharp and alive.

Actually in a way I guess I'm lucky, for it has also made me tough and dangerous, and everybody knows that tough and dangerous is ultra-sexy. I shall most likely make a sloppy, drunken scene at her wedding and then retroactively prophesize it the next day.

(My drunken activities aren't yet finalized, but they're likely to include: dropping a hungry marmot on the wedding cake, flinging scorpions at the best men, defecating on the groom's cufflinks, and attempting to eat all the floral arrangements.)