Thursday, November 04, 2004

A Good Way to be a Hero

A good way to be a hero would be to be standing on a medium sized cliff admiring the view with a bunch of other people nearby, and to have school children taking a nature walk in the clearing below. Then you would need to have a mountain lion to run out of the underbrush and attack one of the children, preferably a girl. The ranger, teachers and the other children need to run away in terror. If one of them stays and fights off the mountain lion then they'll be the hero and not you.

At this point you need to run and jump off the medium sized cliff aiming for a soft bushy tree, hopefully without too many pointy limbs.

Drop out of the tree and run up to the mountain lion. Beat it to death with something. Cover the injured child with your jacket and say soothing things to her until the authorities arrive.

It is a big bonus if the child is a different nationality than you, for instance if you're white, she should be black etc., it's more poignant that way. It's also very very good if someone nearby has a camera and has filmed the whole thing.

Lastly, be humble when you appear on national television programs. Say things like "Anyone would have done the same." and "Yeah, I was scared, terrified really, but, and this is going to sound very strange Oprah, but it's almost like the terrified part of me was just watching someone else run up to that mountain lion... I can't explain it really, I'm just so glad that little girl is going to be okay."


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