Thursday, June 30, 2005

That Adorable Little White-Haired Baby

Today Latigo Flint was waiting in the Starbucks line when suddenly the adorable little white-haired baby in front of me lunged upright in his stroller and grabbed a hold of the buckskin fringe that dangles from the sleeves of my favorite shirt.

I gave him a slight wink and a smile. "Well howdy there little white-haired baby. You've got mighty fine taste I reckon. That there is my favorite buckskin shirt."

His mother whirled around with a sniff and a snarl. "What did you just say?!!!"

I politely tipped my hat. It felt a tad strange doing it with my right hand but her little white-haired baby still had a firm grip on the buckskin fringe of my left. "Howdy Ma'am. You've got a fine looking young man there. Him and I was makin' with a little friendly conversation."

Her face relaxed. "Oh, I see. Well, in that case it's fine, because he actually really enjoys having friendly conversations with strangers who wear... hides."

I was pleasantly surprised to hear it. "You don't say? What a sharp little guy."

Her eyes got really wide and she started nodding furiously. "Yeah, yeah. His father and I sure think so. It's the damnest thing - see, he's only 10 months old and can't speak a single word most of the time, but boy, put a mountain man looking psychopath in front of him and you just can't shut him up."

I squinted at her. "You're being sarcastic aren't you?"

"What the hell do you think?!"

I glanced down at the little white-haired baby. "She's being sarcastic isn't she?"

The mother shook an angry fist in my face. "Stay the hell away from us!"

The white-haired baby raised one thoughtful finger. "ECK!"

His mother and I were equally shocked. We stared at him in amazement. The little white-haired baby cleared his throat and said it again: "ECK!"

"My God little buckaroo, you're absolutely right!" I turned to his mother, "He's absolutely right, this IS elk hide! How the heck do you suppose he knew that?"

His mother was too stunned to respond.

"ECK! ECK! ECK!"

I leaned down and brought my face close his. "Is that a lucky guess, or are you like the Cherokee and the Cree and can actually identify the species just by touching the hide?"

"ECK!"

I frowned. That last one sounded familiar. "Or are you sneezing?"

His mother must have snapped out of her astonished daze because the next thing I knew, a powerful self-defense taser was being applied to the back of my neck.

I woke up in an alley. Apparently someone had spent a considerable length of time kicking me in the ribs. And most of my buckskin fringe was missing.

13 Comments:

At 12:36 AM, Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

I really feel you on this one Flint. I love kids, but in the dictonary under the section labled
" Don't Take Candy From" There is a picture of me (sigh)

 
At 5:30 AM, Blogger Jack Mercer said...

Flint!

If you love your country, your family, your friends, take 5 minutes and TAKE ACTION!

News Snipet 'Blog: GET MAD!

Thanks!

-Jack

 
At 6:13 AM, Blogger Amandarama said...

There's mothers and then there's monsters. I bet the next time she takes the little tyke out she protects him by making him wear a helmet and mittens.

Any woman who can't allow her child the simply joy of identifying his first elk skin simply shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Try to get that kids name and put him on the banned list at River Rope Swing Land. His bitchy Mom will forever regret how she treated Latigo Flint.

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I thot all yer clothes was made outta beaver, with merkin fringe. I guess I can thank the kid for straightenin' me out.

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

It's a good thing she didn't have her coffee yet or she might've scalded, you, Latigo.

You take so much punishment.

One day, the world will understand you. You will receive the adulation due.

I figure this is shortly after the major motion picture about your glorious life. Chain up Kid Relish and get that screenplay whipped into shape, pard.

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

when one is missing most of his elk skin fringe, there is simply only one thing one can do.

go out and get some new elk skin fringe with your bare hands.

 
At 10:01 AM, Anonymous roundelay said...

The only thing more annoying than obnoxious children are obnoxious parents. Hopefully the baby will at some point in his childhood find an appropriately buckskin clad role-model to save him from his mother's damagingly overprotective influence.

 
At 4:23 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I've been reading Latigo Flinto for a long time and I've come to a conclusion.

Latigo needs a body guard. Where's the Kid when you need him, anyway?

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger Ari said...

I'm with Bottle Rocket and LBB, Latty. You been kicked around too long.

I was wistful about that for a moment there, once I quit chucklin' about Hoss' beaver/merkin fringe comment.

Sorry about that.

 
At 11:41 PM, Blogger blake.mcstravick said...

Your tale is enlightening Latigo. I have always feared babies and now I know why.

 
At 12:11 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I know it Grubly. It's the picture where you're wearing that trucker's cap, right?

I love my country, family and friends very much Jack. (Or I would love them if I had family and friends that is.) This isn't exactly the forum I've chosen to express such love. Nonetheless, I have heard of this recent eminent domain shenanigans of which you speak and shall investigate for myself once I sober up. Thank you.

Exactly Amandarama - that's exactly what I mean! And they also shouldn't stick high-powered tasers into people's necks.

Dave, I would never deprive that adorable little white-haired baby the sheer unbridled joy that shall be River Rope Swing Land. (But the Mother will have to wear a t-shirt that says "Über Bitch!" if she wants entry.)

Old Hoss, you are perhaps the cleverest of all. (That's my Saturday night get-up you're talking about.)

No more punishment than is my due Steve. (I shot a Padre by accident several years ago - so now Karma and all that whatnot.) I couldn't agree more with the 2nd part. Trouble is The Kid is off somewhere skiing on slopes of white kitten. I haven't heard from him in goin' on two weeks now.

Your kind words of encouragement are exactly what I needed Tabitha. Just a few or twenty more beers and then I'm out the door.

We can only hope Roundelay, we can only hope.

LBB: The Kid is off somewhere skiing on slopes of white kitten. I haven't heard from him in goin' on two weeks now. I hope he's remembering to wear sunscreen and goggles. Wouldn't want him to go fur-blind.

I don't have any problem with people chuckling at my witty commenters Ari. Go right on ahead. Well, I don't have much of a problem... I don't have too much of a problem with that... I barely tolerate people chuckling at my witty commenters... That is I somehow manage to contain my fury when I'm not the center of attention.

(Okay, you know what? New rule: Actually there's to be no chuckling at how witty my commenters are. That is disallowed from here on out.)

Thank you Mcstravick. But remember, there are plenty of reasons to fear babies, I have provided just one.

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger Kevin Jackson said...

Well, this is interesting. I did a blog search for barista training and found your site. When I get some time I'll come back and find out where barista training appears and how it relates - if it even does. Take care - nice work.

 

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