Thursday, October 28, 2004

That is Off the Plantation

Latigo Flint wishes to apologize to his millions of readers for his two-week absence. See, there wasn't any internet access from the hospital bed that Latigo Flint has been calling home recently.

Latigo Flint doesn't really feel like talking about it, but will share this... apparently there is no such expression: Off the plantation as in "Yo my homeboys, this Fiddy-Cent concert is off the plantation, is it not?"

So yeah, that was Latigo Flint's bad. He must have received some incorrect cultural information somewhere along the line. The timing was a little unfortunate - it would have been nice if Latigo Flint's error could have been pointed out to him at a nice little dinner party or perhaps a cotillion instead of at the aforementioned concert, but what's done is done, and the important thing is I'm back now. Thank you.

Friday, October 15, 2004

No flu vaccination... No problem

Having trouble getting a flu vaccination this fall? No problem, just do what Latigo Flint did - go down to your local assisted living senior citizen housing center and strike up a conversation with the first really old person you see.

It's too easy, just start talking about "Mary" and "the kids". Most likely the senior will know someone named Mary, and even if they don't, they'll figure the mistake is theirs and they'll be so ashamed at forgetting another loved one that they'll pretend to know who this "Mary" is.

Once the senior is chatting comfortably with you, cut a medium sized incision in their arm and drink about a pint of their blood - they've certainly had their flu shots recently, probably twice since the housing facility hates loosing all that rent money every winter, and a healthy young guy or gal like you will get ample vaccine from that pint of blood.

(Hey don't blame me... This wouldn't be necessary if it wasn't for the severe shortage caused by Bush, Cheney and all the Halliburton executives taking daily baths in giant vats of 100 proof flu vaccine... everybody knows that.)

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Dating a police officer

Wanna know what Latigo Flint would do if he was dating a hot female police officer? When she got off duty and came home, he'd be there lounging on the couch and he'd say,
"Hey... cop you late."

She'd laugh and laugh at how amazingly clever and witty and also sexy Latigo Flint is and then we'd have crazed weasel sex all over the house.

(Also, her uniform would never completely come off - for sure the boots would stay on, also the outer shirt unbuttoned, and most likely the holster with all its accessories would stay as well.)

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Orlando Bloom = bad wingman

Orlando Bloom probably wouldn't make a very good wingman. Latigo Flint is making a mental note of this in case the situation should arise where Latigo Flint wants to converse with a gathering of females, and he has a choice to walk over to them with Orlando Bloom or say... Chris Penn or Scottie Pippen or Delroy Lindo or whatever. Latigo Flint is officially reminding himself to go with whoever isn't Orlando Bloom.

Sure eventually once the ladies realized who Latigo Flint was, realized that he's the Latigo Flint, quickest quickdraw the world has ever known, of course then he'd have their full attention like the mack-playa-hombre that he is, but too much time would be wasted before that with Oooh Orlando this, and ahhhh Orlando that.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

A tough question

Latigo Flint knows exactly what he'll do the next time a bunch of lowdown, varmint, college-football-player-type guys walk up to Latigo Flint and say:
"Yes or no, do you know how ridiculous you look?"

First Latigo Flint will give them all a sad smile like he feels bad for what's about to happen, then Latigo Flint will softly say:
"Yes or no, was asking me that worth the worst beating of your life?"
And before they can even whimper, Latigo Flint will clutch iron with two blazing hands and pistol whip every single one of them to the ground.

It'll be over within seconds, and as they lie there crying and bleeding, Latigo Flint will slowly wipe down his authentic replica Colt Peacemakers and replace them in their hand tooled elk hide holsters.

"Rhetorical questions gentlemen," Latigo Flint will say in a soft drawl as he strides away. "rhetorical questions don't have yes or no answers."

That's what he’ll do the next time, for sure.

Monday, October 11, 2004

That's not what Latigo Flint ordered

I didn't order the French Toast Slam, I ordered the Lumberjack Slam. But that's fine, I won't send it back or belittle the waitress. I'll eat the French Toast Slam and probably enjoy it almost as much as the Lumberjack Slam.

See, I'm Latigo Flint, the quickest quickdraw ever, and I live my life with a calm confidence, a cool quiet confidence that's calm and deep. Maybe I was born with it, or maybe it grew over time, slowly welling up like a new mountain spring from the knowledge that wherever I go, whomever I meet, I'll always be the fastest gunslinger there. When you can slap thigh and shuck the iron of your authentic replica Colt Peacemaker revolvers from their hand tooled elk hide holsters as blisteringly fast as I can, it tends to give you a new perspective on stuff, and that perspective makes you confident, and also calm.

Kid Rock and Usher

Hey Kid Rock and Usher! You all should team up and do a song about me, Latigo Flint, the fastest draw in the world.

Let me get you started.

There is an hombre I know
Who makes a viper look slow
If you see him walking down the road
with his iron strapped and squinty eyes
you best run or fight but either way
you're gonna get a nasty surprise

(Okay then you break it down like all smooth urban style)
latigo latigo
whatcha know
latigo latigo
go go go
latigo latigo
whatch know
latigo latigo
go go go

Anyway 'yall get the idea. Latigo Flint isn't gonna write the whole dern thing for you - you all are the musicians, do your job.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Latigo Flint just don't like spiders that's all

Latigo Flint, quickest gun in the world, ain't afraid of any man. Latigo Flint ain't afraid of wolves neither, or snakes or polar bears or rabid badgers... Latigo Flint just don't like spiders is all. Them horrible little hairy critters don't ever fight fair, and Latigo Flint don't want to have nothing to do with them.

[By the way, this post is just for the three teenage girls who laughed at Latigo Flint outside of the Starbucks on the corner of San Fernando and Alameda last Sunday. All the rest of 'yall can move on now.]

You gals hurt Latigo Flint's feelings a mite when 'yall laughed at Latigo Flint. You're lucky you're female, or else you'd have found your ears ringing from the blazing rumble of the powder caps in my authentic replica Colt Peacemakers with hand-tooled elk hide holsters.

To set the record straight: Latigo Flint didn't start screaming when he backed into that there spider web, Latigo Flint just happens to know of a certain high sound frequency that paralyzes spiders.

Anyway, it was bad enough that Latigo Flint spilled his mocha chip frapachino all over the front of his nicest buckskin shirt, he could have done without your cruel and unnecessary reaction. 'Yall should think about trying to be a little more considerate in the future.

An Important Political Issue

Not to go all political on 'yall, but I, Latigo Flint, fastest gun in the world, feel it's my patriotic duty to weigh in on an important political issue.

Latigo Flint is very much against beating children under the age of 7 with a baseball bat that's been wrapped with barbed wire. It's cruel, it's wrong and it's the sort of thing that has no place in a civilized world.

Latigo Flint urges you to vote for whichever candidate opposes the bludgeoning of children under the age of 7 with baseball bats wrapped in barbed wire.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Why you two bit, tinhorn fool!

Boy, I will pistol whip you about the ears and face if you mean to tell me that just because you won against that pathetic, ramshackle, arcade toy, quickdraw booth at Six Flags Magic Mountain, you think you're in my class.

Boy, I am Latigo Flint. I am the fastest gun this world has ever known.

You aren't allowed to email me anymore you two bit tinhorn fool. But before you go, I'll tell you this much, I've seen that metal cowboy, quickdraw kiosk at Magic Mountain that you speak of. And let me tell you what, I done made a puppet cry, I drew against it so fast. Why, I beat a puppet so bad that 3000 miles away in Orlando, FL the Country Bears just up and quit, laid their fiddles on the ground and couldn't jamboree no more.

Deep Blue starin' down the barrel of my six gun

They are gonna have to build one of them there supercomputers like the IBM Deep Blue over yonder that plays chess and beats up on all the chess grand masters like Bobby Fisher and some Russkey or whoever. Except that this here supercomputer will be programmed for the quickdraw.

See but the difference is, I'm not gonna loose like them chess pansies did to Deep Blue. I'm Latigo Flint. I'm faster then any man, faster than any woman, faster than any snake and I'm sure as shoot faster than any dern supercomputer.

Scarlett Johansson

Latigo Flint has come to a decision. That there Scarlett Johansson may be my girlfriend for a while.

Scarlett, little darling, this here's Latigo Flint. I know you know who I am - I draw a six gun faster than any human ever has - if I was born 150 years ago I'd have been a living god in the American West. Anyway, I'm willing to let you be my Saturday night gal for a spell.

My impressive physical attributes are obvious. Far as personality, I'd have to say I'm a cross between Robert Redford, Billy Bob Thornton, Bill Murray, and Colin Firth.

So that's not too shabby at all now is it little darling? Look me up you hear, before I change my mind.

That Tinhorn Behind the Starbucks Counter

No one laughs at Latigo Flint's authentic replica Colt Peacemaker 6 shot repeating pistols in hand-tooled elk hide holsters, least of all some tinhorn java jockey who couldn't even lift 'em, much less draw, aim and fire 'em empty quicker than a hummingbird sneeze like Latigo Flint can.

From two feet away, I heaved my mocha chip frapachino, and before it even splattered all over his lily white face I had pulled iron with both hands and chamber twirled through the cap rings in both Colts so fast that the sound blended into one loud snap.

(On the downside, Latigo Flint isn't ever allowed back into that particular Starbucks.)