Monday, November 29, 2004

Disaster on the Slopes

There is nothing more breathtaking than a gunslinger displaying his lightning fast quickdraw skills as he snowboards down a near vertical, double black diamond slope on a crisp autumn day... Provided he doesn't lose control halfway down and crash on his face so hard he has to be rushed to the hospital with a potentially life threatening case of nasally impacted snow.

The plan was an excellent one. Ludacris desperately needs a video for the first single on his upcoming album, The Red Light District, (the current video is so laughably bad it obviously isn't the real one) and what could be a better video subject than a snowboarding gunslinger. Ludacris would be all singing:

"Get back, you don't know me like that."
And the snowboarding gunslinger would be all cutting side to side, power snow spraying out in glorious curtains as he draws and fires his six guns.

"Get back, eek eek whoop de whoop whoop wooooo" (or whatever the hell the next lyric is)
The snowboarding gunslinger catches mighty air off a mogul, arms flung wide, guns twirling...

You get the picture - just an epic video. Simply magnificent. Many many awards for Mr. cris.

The trouble started a third of the way down when the saucer sled carrying the camcorder suddenly veered across Latigo Flint's path and the tether wrapped around his boot binding. Traveling over 40 miles an hour down an icy cliff is no time to have a tether wrap around your legs so Latigo Flint was in the process of unclipping it from himself and calling this a test run when the sled hit a giant bump, flew up in the air, and smashed into Latigo Flint's face. Dazed, Latigo Flint accidentally allowed his back of his board to face directly down the mountain. At speeds approaching obscene, Latigo Flint tore down the rest of the slope, crashed through two plastic barriers, a ski class of Japanese tourists, flew off his board when it hit a patch of gravel, landed nose first, and slid down the slushy hill towards the cafeteria.

The doctors told him that if he'd slid several feet more, the added accumulation of snow in his nasal passages would have killed him for sure. As it was, Latigo Flint had to spend the rest of the four-day weekend in the hospital... and they had to graft him new eyelids from a cadaver. And some bastard stole the saucer sled with the camera so Latigo Flint doesn't even have whatever footage survived.

Nothing to be thankful for this weekend, that's for dern sure. Hope yours was better.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

If Latigo Flint Had Been There

If Latigo Flint had been there, Charlotte's Web would have been a much shorter story. (It probably also wouldn't have won the Newbery Honor Award for Children's Literature.)

Mr. Zuckerman would have told Fern that Wilbur was a pig, and as a pig he needed to fulfill his purpose, namely a bolt to the brain and an untidy dangle from a cold hook. Fern would have started crying and Avery would have laughed.

Then Latigo Flint would have stepped out slowly from behind the barn, a long stem of wheat clamped mockingly between faintly smiling lips.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you Mr. Zuckerman." Latigo Flint would softly say in his casual, yet deadly drawl. "That there is Some Pig. He's also Terrific, Radiant and most important, he's Humble."

Mr. Zuckerman would saunter over to regard the frightened swine. "By golly I think you're right." He'd pause to swat down and then stomp on a small arachnid that had presumed to take up residence in the entrance to his barn. "I believe we'll keep him with us for as long as he does live."

"I figured you'd see it my way." Then Latigo Flint would turn and leave as Fern cries out joyfully and rushes to embrace her uncle. The End

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

So Much Brilliant, Insightful Allegory

Gunslingers are by nature extremely contemplative individuals. They are also very deep and brilliant. It comes from years of coolly surveying our surroundings with the squinty eye of unflinching observation.

Two girls standing in front of Latigo Flint in line at Starbucks were discussing the local dating scene and boys in general. Throughout their conversation Latigo Flint must have come up with well over a dozen incredibly insightful things to say; each allegory steeped in wisdom and charming wry humor... But it's not polite to interrupt people, and gunslingers are also by nature extremely polite.

After they took their drinks and left, Latigo Flint was watching the cute barista make his mocha chip frappuccino. She wasn't talking to anyone at the time, and a couple of the insightful interjections were simply too good to be wasted.

"Just like Linus in a hurricane."


"You know, Linus in a hurricane... Eyes wide, hair streaming back, and desperately clinging to our security blankets as the force of the gale threatens to tear it from us forever."

The cute barista set the drink on the counter and warily backed away.

Latigo Flint tried one more time:

"So now she crosses streets like she's been hit before."

The cute barista hid behind the pastry display case and sensing her distress, several burly male patrons took it upon themselves to escort Latigo Flint out the front door.

So it would seem context is a crucial component to comprehension of brilliant insight... Good God, look what Latigo Flint just typed... He's done it again, and this time you got to witness the brilliant insight happen live.

You're most welcome pard'ners. T'warnt nothing ma'am. Glad to be of assistance.

Friday, November 19, 2004

To Hell With Poetry Circles

Latigo Flint recently wrote a wonderful poem titled: "Don't Crap in My Mittens, I Have to Wear Them if it Gets Cold".

Latigo Flint attempted to perform Don't Crap in my Mittens, I Have to Wear Them if it Gets Cold at poetry circle night at his local independent bookstore, but midway through the third verse he was booed out of the circle.

As Latigo Flint walked home he started work on another poem called "I Sat Quiet in my Chair and Listened to Your Dumb Poems So You're Damn Well Going to do the Same Even if I Have to Kill You First", but he had trouble rhyming it and quit after the twenty seventh verse.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Opportunity Lost

"There is an incredible capacity for cruelty in this town. A hundred and fifty years ago an honest man would have had the right to respond to such cruelty with hot lead. What recourse has he today? Civil Litigation I suppose. Which system works better? Well, let's see - one built the greatest nation ever, the other is slowly destroying it."

And with those words Latigo Flint lost the best coitus opportunity he's had in over a year. Turns out women at dinner parties don't ever want to hear your opinion, even when they ask for it.

Latigo Flint supposes he'd go to another dinner party but you better believe he'd stop on the porch and demand that his date quickly felate him right then and there as a goodwill gesture before they knocked on the door.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Latigo Flint, Dance Innovator

Tired of the mundane selection of dance styles at local night establishments, Latigo Flint recently invented his own - The Epileptic Butterfly.

It is very difficult to describe The Epileptic Butterfly, and it must be observed to truly comprehend its breathtaking display and nuanced visual palate -- But it is in essence a connected series of wide-armed rhythmic spasms, coupled with full body vibrations and joined with sweeping leg movements that swiftly carry the dancer from the center of the floor to the edges and back again. Every eighth downbeat is emphasized with a spread eagle jump, and "mystery beats", known only to the dancer beforehand, are punctuated with a piercing scream and multiple tuck-roll kick-lunges.

The list of clubs at that forbid Latigo Flint access to the dance floor grows longer by the day but that's all right... They also tried to censor Elvis' hips at first.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Always Comes in Threes

Today Latigo Flint overheard someone say: "Oh, this is horrible - first we loose Yassar Arafat and now Ol' Dirty Bastard. What's next, all the lawyers in the world suddenly drop dead?"

Latigo Flint is pretty sure that guy was being sarcastic. Kind of a mean thing to say in Latigo Flint's opinion but I guess there's no accounting for taste.

Nice Girls?

Nice girls don't walk up and ask you to f*ck them so hard their womb gets bruised. Latigo Flint definitely should have gone with his first instinct on this; he would have saved himself a lot of shame and embarrassment.

Instead, Latigo Flint spent an hour chatting up a whore - an hour he had to pay for once her pimp arrived.

Latigo Flint briefly considered pistol-whipping that pimp 'till he begged for mercy but pistol-whipping in front of a woman is ungentlemanly, even if she is a dirty whore.

It would have been nice to have received an early tip off from one of the nightclub regulars about her whore-ness, but apparently Kid Relish convinced everyone it would be much funnier to watch and see how it all played out.

Friday, November 12, 2004

You Had Better Wave

There are rules in a civilized society that must be followed if we expect that society to stay civilized. Latigo Flint doesn't mind letting you cut over in front of him, say, if you suddenly realize you need to make a left at the next light etc. But good god almighty, you'd dern well better give Latigo Flint the "thank you wave".

If you're trying to merge into congested traffic and Latigo Flint slows up a bit to allow you to do so in front of him, one of your highest priorities at that moment should be making eye contact with Latigo Flint and giving him the "thank you wave". If you don't, Latigo Flint has a tendency to wish horrible horrible things upon you.

You have no idea how damaging it is, karmically speaking, to have a stranger suddenly picture you dying a horrific death in your burning car, pinned to the seat by a length of rebar that is piercing your abdomen.

Just remember to wave and I think we'll all be fine.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Latigo Flint Wants Your Help

It's important to have a great trademark phrase to say whenever you're staring down another gunfighter. It must be unique, convey ultimate confidence, and a touch of crazy. The best so far is Doc Holiday's as played by Val Kilmer in Tombstone: "I'll be your huckleberry."

Currently Latigo Flint's is: "Two roads diverged in a wood and you took the one that lead to a confrontation with Latigo Flint... for that I pity you."

It leaves a little something to be desired. The concept is good, high points for uniqueness, but it runs a tad long. Before Latigo Flint can finish saying it, people tend to either wander off or punch Latigo Flint in the face.

Latigo Flint is determined to find a new one - the all time best, for it's only right that the greatest Quickdraw of all time should also have the greatest stare-down phrase. If you'd like to help, you may submit original suggestions by using the "Comment" link below this post.

Complete Misinterpretation

NO you sick bastard! You can't train a mountain lion to attack children just so you can jump in and save them. That doesn't make you a hero, that makes you a psychopath!

You completely misinterpreted Latigo Flint's post. You aren't allowed to email him anymore, and you aren't allowed to read this blog.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Sam Elliott's Beer

So it turns out you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take the last beer in Sam Elliott's fridge. No one has ever received a beating the likes of which Latigo Flint received last night at the hands of Sam Elliott.

You see, Latigo Flint stopped by Sam's house to pitch his movie idea of a time traveling gunslinger. Sam was out running a couple of errands so Latigo Flint told the Guatemalan housekeeper a few white lies about being Sam's favorite nephew and such, and settled into the kitchen to wait.

Then Latigo Flint got a little thirsty. You'd think a big movie star like Sam Elliott would have multiple fridges and plenty of beer, especially if he's that passionate about it.

The beating Sam Elliott administered upon returning and discovering his last beer in Latigo Flint's hand was unemotional, methodical and without a shred of mercy. It was probably awesome to behold. Probably the sort of beating Latigo Flint would have loved to watch had it not been happening to him.

On the scale of actors whose last beer you should never take, if Anthony Michael Hall is a 1 and Russell Crowe is a 10 - without a doubt, Sam Elliott is a 14, maybe even a 15.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Everyone Does That

Look, there isn't a computer user out there who hasn't waved their hand back and forth real fast in front of their monitor to make the many-finger strobey effect... and so then what's the big deal if you happen to take a Scottish accent and say:

"Oh Shamus, the boy 'ave fifteen fingers on each 'and 'e does.

Aye Mary 'e does indeed.

Oh but Shamus 'ow will our lad ever succeed ina judgmental world wit' thirty fingers on 'is 'ands?

I dunna know Mary, I dunna know. Perhaps 'e gets 'imself big gloves and stuffs multiple fingers ina each glove finger.

Dunna worry your 'eads Mum and Pa. I may 'ave thirty fingers where as most 'ave only ten but I feel no shame in me 'eart and I'll live my life just as I please with me 'ead 'eld 'igh.

Oh our boy! Our wonderful, brave boy!"

And if at that point you notice the whole office is gathered around behind you, staring with equal amounts of mirth and disgust, you would naturally tell everyone to "Screw off, what are you looking at, everyone does this. You think you're so much better than me?" And at that point if they continued staring you'd be justified in throwing your stapler at one of them... right? Right.

(I hope.)

Friday, November 05, 2004

Beginning to Suspect Something

Latigo Flint is starting to realize that most girls get very very uncomfortable if a stranger wearing buckskin and six shooters approaches them and says: "The wounds of this world will do you no harm once you're wrapped in your sweet savior's arms."

Kid Relish assured Latigo Flint that if he tried it on enough women, eventually he'd meet one who was on the right "wavelength" and it would "click" and she'd go out on a date with Latigo Flint and maybe do more, a lot more. But recently Latigo Flint noticed that the coughing fits Kid Relish gets every time Latigo Flint tries it on yet another woman sound suspiciously like laughter.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

A Good Way to be a Hero

A good way to be a hero would be to be standing on a medium sized cliff admiring the view with a bunch of other people nearby, and to have school children taking a nature walk in the clearing below. Then you would need to have a mountain lion to run out of the underbrush and attack one of the children, preferably a girl. The ranger, teachers and the other children need to run away in terror. If one of them stays and fights off the mountain lion then they'll be the hero and not you.

At this point you need to run and jump off the medium sized cliff aiming for a soft bushy tree, hopefully without too many pointy limbs.

Drop out of the tree and run up to the mountain lion. Beat it to death with something. Cover the injured child with your jacket and say soothing things to her until the authorities arrive.

It is a big bonus if the child is a different nationality than you, for instance if you're white, she should be black etc., it's more poignant that way. It's also very very good if someone nearby has a camera and has filmed the whole thing.

Lastly, be humble when you appear on national television programs. Say things like "Anyone would have done the same." and "Yeah, I was scared, terrified really, but, and this is going to sound very strange Oprah, but it's almost like the terrified part of me was just watching someone else run up to that mountain lion... I can't explain it really, I'm just so glad that little girl is going to be okay."

A Glorious Moment

Latigo Flint thinks everyone in Southern California should make themselves a bumper sticker that says, "I'm driving in front of Latigo Flint, the quickest quickdraw ever."

That way it'll be true every time Latigo Flint actually is driving behind you. And the kids in the back seat will notice that it's me and they'll cheer and wave and point at their bumper. And I'll tip my hat and say "Howdy little pardners. Yep, it's me all right." in my low casual drawl, and they'll cheer louder and then their mother who's driving will smile sweetly at Latigo Flint through the rear view mirror and I'll say "Howdy Ma'am", and then I'll turn right and drive away and everyone will feel happy for being involved in such a glorious, transcendent moment.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Latigo Flint - Uniter

In these fractured days of ideological, spiritual, sexual and geological differences, there remains one thing that America - nay - the whole world has in common: Everyone is embarrassingly slow on the draw compared to Latigo Flint.

People look around at yourselves. If every single one of you were to line up, strap on six guns and face off with Latigo Flint, the Quickest Quickdraw ever, there would be six billion identical results. He'd draw his authentic replica Colt Peacemaker revolvers from their hand-tooled elk hide holsters before you could even think about beginning to think about moving your fingers.

So you're not so different one and all now are you?

Let the healing begin.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

If Latigo Flint Had Been There

Cliffhanger would have been much shorter if Latigo Flint had been there. Stallone and Rooker would have been out there climbing the mountain and then the bad guys looking for the money would have come along and Lithgow would have been all to Stallone:

"You, climb and get the money or I'll kill your friend - now FETCH!"

And Rooker would have been all like:

"No Gabe don't do it, forget about me."

And Stallone would have been all like:

"Yo Hal, I gots to do it arrrrgh."

And then Stallone would have taken off his shirt and started to climb but then I'd step out from behind a boulder with my iron strapped and squinty eyes and I'd have said in a low cruel voice:

"Hey Lithgow, you should have let them dance."

And Lithgow would open and close his mouth a bunch of times all surprised, then he'd start to raise his machine gun but with a blur my six guns would suddenly be in my hands and a storm of lead would cut deadly trails through the cold Rocky Mountain air.

Then Stallone, Rooker and I would watch their corpses slide away down the mountain, deep red streaks upon fresh white snow marking their way.

"You should have stuck to bobsledding Leon." I'd softly say then we'd turn and go back to the ranger station where Jesse would have hot coco waiting.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Those Tinhorns at Knott's Berry Farm

All those phony tinhorn gunfighters at Knott's Berry Farm are probably looking for new jobs right now - that is if they're not still crying in their pillows over what Latigo Flint and Kid Relish did to them last weekend.

I don't know who at Knott's is responsible for checking the quickdraw qualifications of those silly pseudo-gunfighters they hire to roam around the Ghost Town/Calico Square area, but they sure didn't do a very good job with this batch. I mean for crying out loud, even The Kid was way faster than every single pathetic one of them, and next to Me, Kid Relish is slow.

You should have seen how mad those tinhorns got after just a little while of us following them around and drawing iron on 'em so fast they couldn't even twitch a finger. One of them came at Kid Relish with a patio chair but The Kid just ducked behind a lady holding ice cream and that tinhorn plowed right into her.

It was the best weekend Latigo Flint has had in a very long time. Me and Kid Relish will wait a few months 'till Knott's hires a new batch of those plastic costumed gunfighters and then go back and do it all over again.

Thanks for the Nightmares Dakota Fanning

Dakota Fanning is creepy enough as it is - why did they have to go and cast her in a scary movie?

Last night Latigo Flint was sitting in his dark apartment staring at the wall, mentally listing off all the historic gunfighters he's faster than, when he became aware of a soft scratching sound coming from inside his closet.

“Well that’s not right,” Latigo Flint thought, and went to investigate. The closet door creaked as he swung it open. At first Latigo Flint could see only hanging clothes but as he peered deeper into the gloom he suddenly saw Dakota Fanning crouched in the far back corner. She slowly tilted her face to stare at Latigo Flint. Her eyes were way too big for her thin white face and they didn’t blink. Clutched in her twisted little hands was a mangled doll’s head. The only light in the apartment started to flicker and die and in the horrible half-light Latigo Flint could see Dakota Fanning stand up. Then she ate his face off.

Latigo Flint awoke screaming. He was still in his chair, still staring at the wall. The realization that it was all just a dream somehow didn’t help. Latigo Flint continued to scream for the next ten minutes until neighbors on all sides started banging on the walls.